back to the same..

Back at the beach
i thought things were different..
in a way they are..
SPRING IS HERE!!!
the smell of spring.. things blooming.. naked trees slowly growing a coat of vivid greens.. the smell of freshly mowed lawns..

We went to get a snowball yesterday.. the BEST shaved ice slushie/snowball thingies i have ver had.. I haven't gotten one for myself yet.. but yesterday i was ona natural high from being with him again and i got a whole one myself..
we walked on the beach.. talking about San Deigo..
I hope that he actually DOES something and is not held back by fears .. im counting on him..
i dont know if he realizes that
maybe he does..
i dont know
but anyway

he lied a few times.. or at least didnt tell me the whole truth..
and i dont think he understands how much it hurts
but then..
i dont know
i cant lay around
again
waiting
but still too scared to go alone .. anywhere

im stuck in this stupid circle and i KNOW BETTER
which hurt is worse i guess...
watching him destroy himself and promise "im trying..",,.. "Im sorry"... "Last one".,,,

i did wake up with a horrible headache/migraine and sore throat.
i wanted to go to Wilmington with his mom and him to visit his sister..
I was willing to go.. cuz i knew that once i started going i would forget about the migraine.. or at least be distracted by it.. but if we stay here i will just wallow in it..
He said he wasn't ready yet
10 minutes after she left he was up and about..
and went into the bathroom again
:(


i hate being in hiatus
waiting
i dont like life on pause
im not that kind of girl

Last night in St Johns

Last night was a good night.. a simple end to the trip..
I got ahold of my old curling friend, Lynsey who I knew was a fun, not too crazy friend. Meaning I wouldn’t be out all night.
We met at the vegeatrian restauruant, The Sprout.

Back Up.
I went with my parents to a local irish pub, Shamrock City. I was super hungry and contrary… wanting to go home and not having eaten all day except like 20 suckie candies.
There was live music! ☺ A flute, guitar, 2 fund irish drums and scottish pipes.
Beautiful irish music.

Anyway, we ate dinner.. Lynsey and I.. getting caught up on the past 7 years.. me getting more and more energized.. she invited me back to her place to visit with some friends before going out to a bar.
On our walk back to the car
The MOST AMAZING thing happened
We ran into Karis!
He was one I was trying to get ahold of but I couldn’t get his number, though he posted on myy Facebook wall that he would love to hang out. (though didn’t make much of an effort)
He used to be sooo cute and like a little child.. now he’s older, gayer, taller,… a model.. so all 3 of us stood on that street corner talking and catching up and laughing.. though mostly it was Karis and I talking while Lynsey hung back..
“Your JUST like I remember!”.. “You always made me laugh soo much!”…. “Your so cute!”… “I wish wd could hang out!!”… “You must be a writer, just by the way you see the world and describe it in so much detail.”…
and all so genuine.

Lynseys frineds were fun.. typical.. loud bunhc of girls around a table chit chatting until we went out to the bars.
I had her drop me off before the bars because it was already 11 and I knew I had to get up at 5:30.

Now im on the plane
And there are 2 girls behind me who have never been on a plane before
I cant even remember the first time I was on a plane.
I still love take off and landing.. the intesnity.. the shudering of the entire thing.. the shkay touchdown.. the force of being lifted into the air or sucked back down.. watching the earth come to me.. or leave me.. growing smaller or larger depending on landing or take off..
I just hate customs
And
I hate security.
I understand how it is needed, but they are so scrutinizing.

I wish there was like 100 more episodes of Tim nad Eric
Because I ran out of new ones.
And I miss it already
Though it is a show I can watch like a million times over
And laugh just as hard each time

WHERE’S MY CHIPPY?? … chipchipchipchipchip…. Theres my chippy..

And I am still dissapointed
That I didn’t lose as I was gone
Because I thought it would be so easy
But no
I cant do it anymore

Usually plane food is nasty but today they had mini bagel chips.
I ate mine and my dads because I was sooo hungry.

Im still trying to be okay with it

miss you kyo

my truth vs your truth

I just feel BLAH
and i hate that i am so contrary with my family
i dont like being confined with them
for SUCH a long period of time
with little connection to other people
which is probably why i spend so much time on the internet

its weird
cuz zometimes i look in the mirror and i feel soft and pretty
other times i feel harsh, ugly, big, warped
and its not just the lighting
and i dont know which one is true
and it doesn't matter what others say
because they are going to say the better one
to make me feel good
but
it doesn't change how i feel
they can say all they want
they can tell me "ITS THE TRUTH"
but the truth
to me
is different than the truth to everyone else
and i have to live with my truth
even if it fluctuates.

not just in mirrors and myself
but in life
my reality is different than yours
i can accept yours
that doesnt mean it is true to me
i am a very open minded person
i like to hear other peoples perspectives
that doesn't mean its true for me
i can look out hte window and gaze at the rock wall behind the parking lot and figure out which one is going to fall out first
while you look out the window and focus on the cars zooming by
i can look at a concerned face in a painting and think they are concerned for their children
you can look at her face and see it as anger
perspective.. angle.. mindset..

the mind fascinates me


and im thinking i would much rather go to WA or OR than San Diego
and hes having second thoughts..
or at least his dad is..
and so im going to convince him that WA or OR is the better choice
cheaper
pretty
BEAUTIFUL
and
he always wanted to go up there
so
why not now?

im ready

I feel deflated
ready to go back
its lost its luster here
it would be better
i suppose
if i had people to play with
im sorry that i am in need of interesting things..
or at least interesting people and i can MAKE interesting things happen.
one more day
and one more night
and i fly back to the states
im not EXACTLY excited.. but i am not EXACTLY sad..
i like it here
some things..
but i am ready to go back
back to him
back to the beach
back to where i feel needed and wanted
until we cross country to San Deigo.. ?
?

will it work out?
we will see
i am petrified
i am scared
but i want it to work

and i want some Baileys for my cocoa

more picS!

OUR BEACH!

OUR BEACH!

OUR BEACH!

My brother attacking me while cross country skiing..

a TREE! pretty that i found while cross country skiing..

skiing helps!~:)

Last night was better
I guess things got better after cross country skiing..
Greg sucked and fell a lot hte first half.. i just skiid on and took pictures.. then it was my turn to fall.. except i fell like every 10 seconds.. my tail bone hurts.. my legs ache..
but its a good ache
a good hurt
because it means i did something

later that night i met up with an old friend.. a friend i didn't get to hang out with much when i was in town
but she drove all the way from Port Au Port to see me..
we went to Clancy's for a bit.. so the 2 guys we were with could play pool.. and Candace and i could chat
then we drove up and down the street a bit
and stopped at WalMart..
wandering around playing Hide and SEek with the 2 guys we were with when we ventured too far away.. they didn't really play.. so it was easy to find them..
but we both got distracted by the same things..
...glittery things, fuzzy things, things that made noise, things with buttons, bubbles, gitter...
and then it closed
and then we drove around some more and i mentioned
ALONZO!
they got excited.. he had been seen.. he always is seen.. and so we went to the place where he USUALLY is found
no he wasn't there
but we got his number
one of the guys called him
i called him
i called him again and left my name and number with his mom
because apparently he had been talking about ME a couple days ago..
we drove around some more.. i bought them Tim Hortons donuts..to pass the time and to show my thanks.. we drove some more.. and then
went to Dominoes pizza
the best pizza EVER
i hadnt had it before
so they de-virginized me
it was amazing.. cheesy.. hot .. wow.. W.O.W.
and then drove around some more.. playing CORNERS so Candace and i were literally being slung from one side of the back of the car to the other..
and i thought we were going to die
the roads were slick with ice.. and the roads were lined with huge drifts of icy, dirty snow
then we drove up some dark road.. and PARKED
i swear
i thought they were going to kill me
instead we just passed the time.. chatting.. laughing.. sharing stories and pick up lines
and a few tries i tried franticly to get out of the car to flag down random ski-dooers to get them to take me for a ride
nope
i couldn't get out
i was locked in
she didnt want to take me home
i didnt want to go home
but i did

and today we drove away..
away from my old home town..
off to Corner Brook to see where Kyle called home for awhile..

and i eat
munch
on hard candies
on rice cakes
sneaking bits of my moms cinnamon rolll.. or my dads sour cream glazed donut..
or eating 2 or 3 mini Ritz Sandwiches-Cheese..
or half the sleeve of Saltines
wishing i had a salad or fresh crisp peppers or grapes or sliced apples..
anything that was not carb-y..
anything that tasted fresh.. healthy.. delicious..
instead.. im going to pizza with one of my brothers ex semi-girlfriend..
and then to the bar with my brothers best friend/brother.. at an open mic bar thing...
anyway

things arent getting better
i want to crawl away and cry
but my familys ALWAYS HERE
which is why i dont wear my seatbelt

This kitty makes me smile..
i want him

the real deal.. inside my head?

I cannot stop listening to this song.. its been played over and over in my head and my headphones for the past 2 days.. no other song will suffice..


Sometimes i wonder if people actually LISTEN
i know some people cant pick up on hints
but
its stupid how we expect them to read our minds.. do what we hope they will do
when we dont TELL THEM WHAT WE WANT
but yet i do it anyway
and get crushed when they DONT
..if that makes sense..


sometimes i do have those thoughts..
those thoughts that would scare the crap out of most people if they were reading my mind..
..about..
How i dont wear my seatbelt sometimes.. on purpose.. just in case we do crash.. then it wouldn't be considered suicide. just a tragedy..
How when cars pass me in the other lane. i sometimes blank out for a bit and imagine me trailing into their lane and crashing head on..
Curling in a ball in the middle of the road to see if cars will actually stop..
or some reason they all deal with cars
figure that out Freud

And sometimes i want to go back to treatment
so that i dont have to have that mind fuck struggle every time the hunger comes.. or "mealtime" comes..
and the aftermath..
i will be surrounded by people in my same situation
who UNDERSTAND how hard it is.. the stupid little things that we struggle with.. that no one can wrap their minds around..
and Therapists that care.. even if some of them are fake (luckily i haven't encountered one of those) but their motherly, caring, concerned attitude
i remember one time crying in River Oaks one time for the silliest reason
we were on meal plans there.. we had a certain amount of fats, protiens, vegetables/fruits, dairy, etc per meal
and we checked off the boxes of what we wanted..
breakfast-snack-lunch-snack-dinner-snack
I loved being forced to eat
it took all the pressure off
but one time.. my dietition added a pack of PopTarts to my afternoon snack..
and i ABSOLUTELY flipped out
that meant for my afternoon snack i had to eat:
yogurt
cereal
Ensure Plus
Half Bagel with Peanut butter
and now i ALSO had to have
a pack of PopTarts

torture for me
so now there are certain foods that i will never be able to eat again without being flooded with memories of treatment
Bagels and peanut butter/cream cheese
PopTarts
Cheesecake
PuppyChow

one Easter all i had for dinner was a bowl of Cheerios.. with half a little mini box of milk.. and i didnt even finish it..
I have spent Thanksgiving.. Chirstmas,.. New Years.. Easter.. 4th of July.. Mardi Gras.. my birthday (twice)
pretty much every holiday in a treatment center
in fact
my 21st birthday was in a treatment center
but they are the best freinds you will ever have
the ones you meet in a treatment center

I realize this
that i cling WAY too hard to memories..
i dont know if EVERYONE has such vivid memories
the feelings.. the smells.. the look of shock on my friends face as she realized that i had just purged the ice cream we bought together as our final outing before i moved away..
little things trigger it to
the way a person says something.. the lingering smell of something in the air.. foods.. SONGS are a HUGE one for me..

and thats the other thing
i wish sometimes that people could go inside my head when mealtime comes.. an hour before to an hour after..
experience it
feel it
go through the motions.. the fears.. the want.. the hesitation.. the letting go.. the hatred.. the guilt.. the sadness.. the worthlessness..
and then
then you might understans where i am coming from
calories.. fat.. the way its made.. "goodness" of it vs "badness" of it
i can show you the lowest calorie/fat/sugar thing on any menue... and the highest..
i can show you the foods that i will be okay with
even if it leaves me finished before everyone.. and it takes everything i have to keep from staring at the dishes around me.. with the simmering smell of melted cheese.. the spices.. the crusty, crunchy bread.. the beautifully smooth coating of frosting..
spying the leftover crusts on people's plates.. their party eaten sandwich (wishing i could JUST eat the tomato slice inside.. and maybe taste the bread..).. the half muffin leftover.. even the crumbs..
and i wish i could eat them... finish them off
becaue if i finish off someone elses
its not so bad
because i didnt eat the whole thing.. and tis going to be thrown away anyway, right? sooooo

and every time anything goes wrong
of i feel sad
this is the kind of mind fuck i go through
all that up there
and the mental beat down about how could someone ever love me
my body
my soul
when i do/think things like that
when i look like this

and so i dont eat
and i love that feeling.. of my tummy eating itslef..
but i cant do that anymore
and the mental repercussions taint the rest of my day.. all my thoughts, actions, what i wear, what i say, what i choose to eat, what i choose to avoid...

i dont know what im getting at
what im asking for
but i feel soooo lost
down the rabbit hole
especially now that i am gone from him
people say all this shit on facebook about how they miss me or want me to visit or blah blah blah
i wonder how much of it is polite falsity
because
people say things
you can say you love me all you want
you can say you miss me all you want
yeah?
PROVE IT
SHOW ME
dont tell me
thats what i want
ACTIONS not WORDS
please help me...

Day 4 (Grand Falls to Stephenville)

Well..
we made it to Stephenville.
oh the memories
walking up and down Main street.. stopping in at Tim Hortons for Cappuccino (half English Toffee, half French Vanilla)
Tossing jelly beans at passing cars.. while sitting across the street from Dominion on Chris's work break..
Curling in the curling club
Bonfires on the beach with Mark and all his friends.. tossing anything and everything we could find into the fire... burning and talking and carrying on all night
Running in the snow in our pajamas and flip flops across the street to get a tub of Frosting from the local convenience store "Needs" with Megan and all while jamming out to Dixie Chicks and making tents
Zooming around in the woods on the ski doos.. all packaged up in warmth and helmet to make me feel like Speed Racer..
running from the sauna to the snow and to the hot tub and back and forth.. getting the full experience of the extreme hot wetness (hot tub) and the extreme coldness (snow) and then the dry heat (sauna)
seeing how long popsicles could survive in the sauna
building igloos and pretending to hide from the barrage of snowballs that bore down on us from fellow friends
getting out tennish rackets and swatting away at June Bugs
climbing up to the top of the soccer goals and hanging out up on top of the mesh covering looking over the airport that has a runway "big enough for a spaceship" and where international and private jets stop by to refuel (my dad looked in the guest book in the airport due to his MILL MANAGER STATUS he got to wait in the LOUNGE and saw that "Elvis Prestley" and "Britney Spears" among others have stopped by little old stpehenville, NL

and now
all i can think about
again
is the meals
the food
how to avoid eating
and always fail
because i LIKE food
but i WANT more to be smaller
especially if we go to San Diego
I dont want to go there and have him rather have some better bodied girl..
and there are good bodied non-bimbos
and every time i eat
i feel like a failure
then other times i look in the mirror and realize im not ugly
and other times when i cant stand to look in the mirror..
and all i want is to be okay with myself
tho i never was before.. even when i got down to 65 pounds
i stil wanted to lose more
and i cant purge it anymore.. i sit in front of the toilet.. my thoughts fighting with themselves.. debating whether to do the healthy thing and NOT.. or do the thing that will settle my racing mind and calm my fears.. BUT I CANT
and feel like shit cuz i can just feel it all bulking up inside.. and showing up outside..
fuck it

and still no one has contacted me from stephenville
but one girl i am sure is going to come through for me tomorrow
she promised
and i dont want another disappointment
i cant take it
no one is making any effort to see me
not that im all that special
but i thought they would be excited
even spare the time to text me to emet them for coffee
is that too much to ask
that would just make my day
someting small
im not asking for the world
im not aksing for the night even
or even dinner
just
a hug

and i miss him more everyday
and worry that im not good enough.. or wont be once we get to san diego..
in my right mind.. i know he will stick with me and that he means what he says
but the whole ED mind twists everything around
just like it taints every thought i have

dont EVER wish you had an eating disorder... dont ever fall into one
it wont go away
it wont let you enjoy life
your never good enough
for you
or anyone else

pub music.. (Newfie Music)

LOVE OVE LOVE this soing!
dont mind the video..
"Sweet Forget Me Not" by Great Big Sea'



"The Islander" by the Bard of Cornwall


"Dirty ol Town" by the Pogues
both these songs they played at the pub...

sleeping with the ghosts

So.. i slept in the haunted house..
i wasn't looking forward to walking up those dark creeky stairs.. find my way through the creeky hallways.. struggle with the handle to open the door to my room..
of course.. as soon as i got in.. the door shut behind me.. and i couldn't open the door back up..
and my camera was missing
and i knew it was there before
and i knew no one would go in my room
and the wind was wheezing up and down the chimney and emptying into my room around the board that covered the holes that peeked into my room from the flume
and white things kept moving in mirror.. and the window..
i crawled under the covers..

when i finally woke up nearly 4 hours later i was drenched in sweat, disoriented..
my camera was next to me again
and a banana (my favorite breakfast i used to have every morning here)
the dreams i had were vivid.. hanging heavy in the air.. long and drawn out.. it seemed more like reality than at that moment

i looked out the window.. snow was softly falling again.. creating a fluffy layer of cold cotton on top of the icy snow...

i cant wait to sleep here again
i just need someone to hunt ghosts with
cuz i cant do it alone
or else
they dont want me to

im ready to stop this
whatever this is
you decide
but i want it done and gone and fixed so i dont think this way anymore
why cant i get over it?
its been 8 years
serisouly
LET ME LIVE MY LIFE WTHOUT HAVING TO COUNT EVERY CALORIE AND IF I DONT GIVE MYSELF SHIT AFTER??
:(
i fall through snow and moose dont

Grand Falls Adventure

I got to track moose today
in the snow
and i kept falling in



it was as deep as my thigh..
but i tracked them anyway
until they disappeared..
and found other tracks.. and then more.. and kept falling down...



how do moose stay up on top of the snow when its so deep?
yes i was able to stay up most of the time..
but i still fell through
got all scraped up on the legs..
ha


and i played
in the snow



and saw the beautifl sunset



but now that the sun is going down
the noises start to creek..
:/
i need him here..
but i can brave ths on my own...
use my brother as an offering to quell the ghosts' hunger...

Day 3 (St John's to Grand Falls)

Soooo….
Here we are.. driving around the outer coast of Newfoundland.. passing cities like
Dildo
Come By Chance
St Johns Within
And more…
Snow covered trees line the highway..some barren areas with little bushes covered in snow.. if I look hard enough I can see moose tracks.. or atleast I pretend I can see them.
Watching Tim and Eric Awesome show with my brother I the backsseaat
Me laughing at every little thing
While my brother just smiles..



Yesterday… Day 3…
We walked around St Johns..this time the sidewalks are not covered in soft snow,, instead it is covered in shiny, icy crunchy layers…
Nothings open
It’s a Sunday
But that doesn’t stop us wandering around from 10 am until 3 pm.
Walking up and down streets that are lined with multicolored buildings that all look the same.
There was one lady who was shoveling her car out of the parking place in front of her house.. shoveling the snow onto her neighbors car…



We went to indian food for the night.. where my brother insisted on getting 2 vegetarina dishes. I wasn’t even hungry.. I didn’t want to be is more like it..
I had some rice cakes nad sugar free cocoa earlier to take the edge off the hunger sine I hadnt eaten anything but a banana all day.

My little brother had also spent the night at a friends house.. my parents had to pick him up at 5..
We had told him a few times that we were going to dinner at 6 and then to meet up with one of Kyles friends at 7 and then taking him to see some live accordian music after..
Once we got settled in at O’Reillys at around 8 to watch the show, he informed us that we had to take him to the movies with his friends.. and we had to take him.






My dad (and mom) had just settled down with a giiant beer each… which he had to gulp down.. jog back in the snowy siedealks to the htoel and drive up the street that didn’t allow cars..
We also learned that he had to be picked up
At midnight
And my dad even took him to Tim Hortons for a muffin on the way home
Because my dad will do anything for his kids…

The McDonalds have little red canadian flags in the middle of the golden arches.
Everything is in French and in Enlgish.. the food.. the signs…
It is also in Celcisu and Kilometers and centimenters (of coruse)
Everyone looks the same.. like my dads old mill workers that used to come to the parties
“THERES GEIORGE LEMOINE!!... except a little fatter and older looking.. but same beard.. same little beady eyes and heearty laugh..”
inbreeding?
probably…

AND the things that tend to dominate the news around here..
Snowmobilers falling through ice.. running into moose or trees
How to seal windows and doors from the cold
Mill people dying in a city 500 kim away

SOME pics of Newfie-land..

Day 2 (St. John's)

We all woke up around noon
due to the fact we didn't get to sleep until around 4 am.
the snow had piled up outside

we walked down to Tim Hortons hoping for our usual amazing donuts (granted.. i hate donuts.. i just wanted a cappuccino-half french vanilla half english toffee)
the looks on the peoples faces behind the counters here
is blank.. dull.. unfriendly.. blah
kinda sad
the first Tim Hortons did not have Greg's Maple Dip donuts (the only ones he will EVER eat)
and the ones we got were dry and dull (or so my parents said.. i chickened out on everything-not even cappuccino)
so my dad hiked down 4 more blocks to the other one to get his beloved son his donuts
when he arrived back at the hotel he realized they were the wrong donuts
Greg REFUSED to eat them
so my dad went outside.. scraped down the ice and snow from the car.. drove down to the Tim Hortons and explained the situation and she took the box from him,.. threw it in the garbage and literally threw down the new donuts on the bottom of the new box...

I got back and changed into socks and boots rather than flip flops
we spent the rest of the day catering to Greg..
grocery store for drinks and snacks for the week
eyeglass store to fix his glasses
liqueor store (for my parents and I got Baileys for my cocoa)
Mexican food (so he could eat before he met up with his friends for the night)

I am terrified i wont meet up with anyone..
that they wont follow through... that they just said they would love to get together.. but really they could care less
i dont want that
i dont want to be an obligation or forgotten or not wanted

We spent the evening at O'Reilly pub.. my dad and mom and i
they drank 3 rounds of large beers.. (after having 1 at the hotel and a couple shots of my Baileys)
so they were quite drunk
I LOVED the irish band playing
but was lonely for some company
mostly for HIM
:(
anyway
i didn't drink.. except water.. wasn't in the mood..
and on the walk home.. wow..
i was falling over.. cracking up..
it was -3 C out.. with sleet and hail and 15 mph wind and we were walking against it
and my mom was cussing my dad out
"Whose fucking idea was this anyway?" "Why did i marry you?" "Im sleeping in the bathtub tonight" "this is worse than fucking anything ive ever done"
while my dad was running in front of her
"look im blocking the wind!"
or jumping into little alcoves
"its warmer here! come on!"
and then i couldn't stop laughing and falling over because the snow was over my boots and the hail hurt my face to look up
interesting night
i was soaked and cold and changed into sweats and wrapped myself in a blanket

and sat at the computer passing time as i did all of my free time today
waiting
hoping
that he would come online
i cannot stop thinking of him
and what he would think of this or that or the place we drove by or the name of that restaurant or whatnot
my parents are nervous he can't provide for me finically
i explain to them that the economy sucks and we are BOTH out of a job... but hes got prospects..
and i love him
and he loves me and is good to me
and that is enough

pestering parents... creepy custom agents..

I love pestering my mom and dad...
i walk beside them or sit beside them and ask them the stupidest questions i can think of..
"What if my baby was bald?"
"What if my baby grew up to be a drug dealer?"
"What if my baby had one green and one red eye?"
"What if i moved into a commune?"
"What if i worked at a weed farm.. like in the movie Humbolt County?"
"What if they put REAL coke in the DIET coke cans..?"
"What if we were about to crash on the airplane.. who would you call first?"
"What if i pierced my nose?"
"What if i pierced my nipple?"
"What if i moved in with the natives in the Amazon?"
"What if i got married.. how much are you willing to sacrifice for my wedding?"
"What if i came home with blue and red hair?"
"What if the airplanes tire went flat while we were in the air?"
"what shape of chocolate tastes the besT?"
"Does Canada have a separate dictionary than the US?"

and then
i thought of my own questions

"What if...
-> you could create your own dictionary?
would you change hte meanings of words? create your own?
-> you could open up your own restauruant?
what kind of food would you have?
would there be couches? stiff chairs? ruffly seat cushions? candles? florescent lights? stop lights? street signs? celebrity pictures? fish tanks? statues? a wall of empty liqueur bottles? pictures on the menus? JUST the names of the dish or a description under the name? kids menue? coloring sheets? jukebox? a clown wandering around offering free balloon animals? live music? an open kitchen so people could see their food being made?
i could go on with ponderings...

I also cheat on sudoku.

going thru customs my brother got sent to immigration.
maybe it was his social awkwardness (which he can't help.. poor thing)
maybe it was his long hair that he constantly swishes back with the quick turn of his head
maybe it was that he had no idea of when he was flying back to the US
either way
he was pulled over
those poeple know a LOT more about you than they let on
when Greg told them his name.. they asked him if hed been to Newfoundland before.,. he admited that he used to live here
the customs guy nodded his head, "Seaside Drive, eh? Stephenville.. dats a nice little town der"
he knew the road we lived on
and Greg never mentioned anything of the sort

My uncle was driving through the border once to visit us up in Newfoundland.
They asked him where he was going
he replied that he was going to visit his brother in Canada.
the customs agent asked for a name
my uncle gave him my dads name
the customs guy.. "Oh! Da mill manager eh? I bet hes got a nice place up der with LOOOOTSSSA friends."

creepy
they know A LOT
they WANT to catch you in a lie

i also like the feeling of hunger way too much
it feels like i am losing weight
just sitting there
letting my tummy churn... gurgle.. eat itself alive
but i cant keep it up for long until i make myself eat something
and then i become ravenous
dont try it at home

Flip Flops have NO traction in the snow...

Day 1 (well Night 1-> St Johns)

I'm here...
its snowstormsy out the window
the cars are covered
im sitting here n the lobby with flip flops a long hippie skirt and a green tank top...
not quite dressed for the weather
but am i ever?
no

I still cannot believe i am here.
reality sinks in every time i hear people around me talk.
i wish you all could hear for yourselves
have a conversation with a newfie
you will never forget it

I walked down to George Street with my parents last night..
(THE Bourbon street of Canada.. no cars allowed down the street.. lined with loud bars and drunken staggering shouting people in the street.. but no hooker houses... thoug there is a Pizza Joint open from 6pm-6am
after my dad (whose already silly) haD One beer
I didn't mind going to bars with my parents
im secure enough with myself.
yes it is a little strange.
but i really dont care
i love my parents and i dont plan on getting picked up or anything
so why not go out and observe the sights around me?
and
oh
what sights there were

I cant even talk to anyone around here without nearly cracking up.. their accent is utterly amazing..
The bars here... wow.. Absinthe (sp?) and shots was all that was going down..
a drunken girl and her not so drunken boy were getting it on in a booth nearby and then he left to go to the bathroom and when he came back my dad pointed out where she was (she had pretty much passed out and was half on the floor half on the booth seat) he acted so stunned!~ as tho he had no idea what was going on.. we watched him wander around the bar and finally come back to her and she hung on all over him as they danced in the middle of the walkway.. and hten had another drink as they stumbled out hte door.. clinging to each other swaying one way and then the other
i didnt think it was legal .. atleast ethically/morally.. to serve drinks to people that drunk..
There was another couple that came in.. linked arm in arm.. as you walk through the door there is an entryway and an open space.. with a seat on one side.. he made it through the open space.. she rammed into the seat back.. they were still linked arm in arm and i watched as her body tried to continue to follow him, but her body was stopped..
2 guys were kissing in front of the bar on stools
people leaving at 12:30, 1 am.. the bars and streets still roaring with people at 3 am when we finally meandered back to our hotel

its weird how i lived in so many places
when i lived in them i had no desire to get any shirts or souvenirs or anything.. thinking it tacky.
now that i go back to those places (New Orleans, Pullman (WSU), Tuscaloosa (University of Alabama), Newfoundland, Seattle)
I am compelled to get some trinket to remind me of my life there
even if all those memories will be contained in a mini replica of the Newfoundland flag
or a snow globe of Seattle with the space needle sticking up tall and proud

this time im going to take pictures
document all i can
bring something back
and not just memories

ON THE ROCK!!

I
LOVE
Newfoundland
i forgot how silly this place is
the Tim Hortons
the Poutine
the thick Accent
the way everyone looks slightly similar (inbreed?)
the Puffins and whales and iceburgs off the shore....
more to come later..
im going to document this journey.. no doubt..

and pictures will come too

St Johns is where we flew in.. we will stay til Monday.
Monday night we go to Grand Falls (to the haunted house)
Tuesday and Wednesday we are in Stephenville (my old hometown)
Thursday we go to Corner Brook
Friday-Sunday back in St Johns (flying out Sunday)

unless things change
we are good at spontaneous adventures...

i miss him
a lot
i broke down three times last night due to silly stupid things but it all boiled down to the fact that i hated being away from him for so long
and the beach
and his mom
and his dad
and the life back there

soon enough i will be back
but for now
i am here.

Beach love:)

I love the beach
i pranced around in the waves again
it was sunny
it was beautiful
i pretended the world was watching
i let the music move me
i let the water move me
feeling the pull and push of the rushing waves at my feet
the rush of the sand and water as the waves crash around me
the sun beating down on my skin
huge earphone headphones.. tube top black dress.. huge white sunglasses.. im sure i looked a little wack
but
i loved it
i thrived
i thought
i dreamt
i lived

he was off doing taxes with his dad at WalMart..

some old man took pictures of me from the beach
i caught him out of the corner of my eye
and as i was walking back to the car
...creepy..

;last night was horrible
i needed him
and he passed out
and i left him there on the couch and went to bed alone
is that bad of me?
to leave him sleeping on the couch?
it would be different if he passed out of exhaustion from a long days work..
but no
he passed out due to what he did
thats why i left him there on the couch
i got up after 5 minutes.. wanting so badly to wake him up and bring him to bed with me
instead i moved the ashtray from in front of him and put a blanket over him
and went back to bed
hoping the rush of air as i gently tossed the blanket over him would wake him up
i believe he came in at 4 am
apologizing for falling asleep on me
he didnt understand that that is not what bothered me
it was the events that preceded it
the fact he did what he did
but
as i say
its his life
he can do what he wants
hes an adult
he can make his own decisions
and live with the repercussions


but i needed him last night
i wanted to give him another chance
for our last day/night together before i left for 12 or so days for Newfoundland.
I haven't had a cigarette in over a week.. and no cravings.. no need.. no want.. no void.. i dont need them.. i just did them because it was a way to bond.. smoke break.. and then after that.. why not?
but what i want is not legal sadly

he has an interview today.. at 8pm.. hes doing it now.. and did his thing a little over na hour ago.. i told him he better not be too F'ed up before he does it... he is holding his own.. i am happy for him :)
i told him i would not think less of him if he didnt get the job
that he could do what he wanted while i was gone
he knows what he wants from life and he knows how to get it
he just needs to DO it
to PROVE it
anyway..

maybe someday

today was beautiful
he is good to me
which make this all even harder
because he does nothing wrong
and he knows it hurts me when he does it
and he knows i hate it
and he knows
but he does it

he ate all of the 10 things he got last night.. he got 2 extrafor free... saying they were for me.. and i wanted to try one tho i was scared to admit it.. but he got them all

we went to the beach
after not sleeping at all last night
hazy dazes of drowsy half asleep mummering to each other and bliss..

we hauled his kayak to the water.. he took his time but got in and paddled alongside the shore while i walked in the water
then he came in
saying the waves were getting too big and if he stayed out there longer and then tried to come in he would surely fip
i didnt mind
i spent the time playing in the water
like a little kid
braving the waves
egging them on
"COME ON! COME AND GET ME!\"
needless to say
i got soaked
but wow
while i was splashing around i got quite intrigued
each step/stomp i took i could see the water separating.. so i could momentarily see the sand below.. it amazed me.. that i could make the water part.. that i could feel the air around my feet as i was standing in the middle of the water
and i also dragged the canoe through the water back to the pier so we didn't have to haul it
i kept getting distracted by the bubbles.. wondering why hot tubs were so cold.. and then remembering where i was..
and then being transfixed by the waves.. how the water gently curled in on itself.. so perfect.. so crystalline.. so pristine.. clear.. rising in the air.. and tumbling in on itself.. and then rushing at you like a vacuum cleaner.. or millions of tiny fingers reaching for you

yes
i was not quite my normal self.. if you know what i mean
and it felt amazing
and i hate that its "not good"
because it makes everything so much more magical

and still no calll from San Diego Zoo.. which is why i did the stuff..
feeling worthless..lost..blah..blah...

and i get so scared
that he cant stop
that im getting twisted up into something thats going to shatter me
thats going to taint me for anyone and everyone else

from an alcoholic to a junkie..
i guess i like trying to save people
even though i know i cant save them
they have to do it for themselves
i can BE there for them
i can help them
love them
support them
but i cant save them
i cant make them stop
they have to do that for themselves
and i keep telling him that
atleast he treats me better than anyone
and he does love me
i can tell
and he is so beautiful to me and gentle.. and everything i never knew i always wanted

"its your life.. im letting you be an adult.. do what you want to do"
in between my tears.
maybe someday he will learn


(starts for real at 1:30)
"Look in my eyes.. your killing me .. killing me.. all i wanted was you..."

PostSecret

I dont know if you all know about
POST SECRET
but
i love it
i really do
people send anonymous postcards.. with aa secret.. and it was all started by this guy... now he has a good 3 or so books plus a website..
its very humbling..
some people have the same secrets as you and me
maybe some ARE you or me..
but here are some i found that really touched me..

















http://postsecret.blogspot.com/
http://www.postsecretcommunity.com/

HES HERE.. .. Almost Famous..

Things are better now... now that hes here.. Though its harder in other ways..
he really DOES do things to me no one else has ever.. and will ever..
makes me feel soo beautiful.. soo happy..
yet also
makes me cry
disappoints me
he cant stop
i fear he cant

with my eating disorder
i kept saying i was going to..
but kept on doing it.. because its bigger than me.. still is..

and i think its bigger than him

We made 2 random last minute trips to Boone (BEAUTIFUL ride.. BEAUTIFUL town)
to get what he needed
i cried most the whole way there and/or back
not necessarily all out sobbing,.. but i couldn't stop the tears

Wilma is being her normal self.. staring up at me with pleading eyes as i much on chips or eat my strawberries..
barking at everything outside..
but shes got much better at the walks :)

And the kitty wanders her own way around.. showing up when she wants some love.. meowing to open the door (even though she could go AROUND through the other doorS)
cuz
apparantly
she owns the place

I am using Hydroxycut..
i really dont know if it is working
but with the ED past and present (though not as much present) my vision of me and my body is warped anyway
so i wouldnt know
and if i asked someone they would of course tell me what i want to hear

I still havent heard from San Diego :(
they were supposed to call this week

I applied to AmeriCorps

Almost Famous is my CENTERiNG movie..
it makes me dream
makes me smile
makes me dream
i would love that life
on the road
with a family or rockstars and groupies...
living it up
but also with the messed up-ness that goes along with it

i just want a purpose really
i want to be wanted
i need to be needed
i need something to occupy my days so i dont go stir crazy thinking too much
i want to help people
i want to make people smile
i want to not think and sink down the rabbit hole of my thoughts

sometimes i do

i also want to trip
listen to music
with friends
on pillows and waterbeds and hammocks and popcorn and soft light and curtains and sunight....
hookah...
beautiful music
basking in the sunshine until the drops of sunshine diminish into splashes of moonlight

hiking.. one shoe.. pink drss.. mud.. and serial killers

SO picture this
im hiking up the mountain
being pulled by this big brownish black dog (I think shes a lab.. but i dont judge by looks)
wearing a pink dress
with one shoe
and the other foot is a hole-y sock
and im out of breath cuz this dog keeps dragging me up the hill
and i have mud splatters on me because the dog keeps rolling in hte mud and shaking it off
all over me

people pass by.. looking at me strangely..
I talk it up
i make up stories
its kinda fun

"I lost my shoe when i tried to save my dog from drowning in hte lake"
"umm.... " loooking around nervously.. not meeting their eyes
"Oh really? When i left the house i had two shoes..."
"Can i borrow $20?"
and on
and on
whatever came to my head
at one point i had this couple talking with me for quite awhile and i made up all this stuff about my baby back at home with his daddy.. they are sick and usually we go out as a family and i play with the baby down with the goats.. and show them pictures of some baby Orlando

house sitting is fun
except
i make the mistake of watching stupid A&E bios on serial killers
and i realize im not in the BEST area of town
at all
and i hear noises at night
granted.. most of the time they are the dog or the cat..
but i couldn't sleep at all last night.. i cried even.. and then got hungry.. binged.. puked.. cried some more..
im okay now
but super tired
after walking Wilma up and down the mountains for 2 hours and then traipsing downtown by myself for another 2 hours.. passing time until my friend showed up..
he said 3..or 4.. its 6 now..
:(
I dont think hes going to come
and i need him
real bad

On the other hand
i baked the cookies...
Wilma somehow climbed up on the counter and ate the entire first batch
but i got 2 more through without her eating them
and then i attempted hummus..
its not that bad..
and now im crashed on the waterbed
again
waiting
for what>? im not sure.. sleep? him? someone to call?
I dont know
i guess ill find out

MY DAY!

So,,
today was a somewhat lazy day
until i got motivated

I spent the morning lounging on the water bed.. with hummus and pita chips and a bottle of wine (i never actually OPNEED the wine tho...)
and watched
"The Final 24"
which documents the last 24 hours of famous stars/legends..
I watched my favorite man ever

John Belushi... 33 years old.. died March 5, 1982
LOVE HIM..
such a kind hearted fellow.. such talent.. soo funny.. yet he never grew up to the point where he realized he COULD be okay on his own.. he spent soo much time in the spotlight.. with fans and stars.. Saturday Night Live was where he first met Cocaine.. everyone did it to keep them awake on set..
He was just a small town boy.. from Illinois.,..
at one point he had the highest selling record (Blues Brothers).. top movie (Animal House) AND was on the up and coming top favorite show (Saturday night live)
His trademark one eyebrow raise..
his Saturday night updates with Jane Curtian
he died.. of course.. of an overdose.. cocaine got the best of him.. and he even dabbled in heroin and speedballs near the end..
his gravestone is down in Martha's Vineyard.. and graffiti on it reads: "You could have stuck around a bit longer. You could have given us a lot more laughs. But, Nooooooooo...." (a play on a quote from one of his famous SNL clips)
I have such respect for that man.. and wish i could have met him..
ahh.. oh well..

Jim Morrison.. 27 years old.. died July 3, 1971
heart throb from The Doors.. MAJOR alcoholic.. went downhill fast..
SUPPOSEDLY found dead in a bathtub in his rented apartment in Paris
he had gone to Paris to recuperate from rumors and illegitimate charges against him by the police and FBI
They stated that the cause of his death was heart failure, so no autopsy was done on his body
THO
MANY say it was due to heroin overdose.. and years and years of alcohol abuse..
and his girlfriend Pamela Courson was in the room with him..
3 years later, Pamela (his common-law wife.. on-and-off again girlfriend) died of a heroin overdose.. at age 27.. same as Jim..

River Pheonix.. 23 years old.. died October 31, 1993
Drug overdose.. on the sidewalk outside of the Viper Room where Johnny Depp's band was supposedly playing (or supposed to be playing)
Johnny Depp closes the Viper Room every year on the day of his death in commemoration..
he had an interesting life.. vagabond family... part of the cult "Children of God" which glorified sex.. leading him to lose his virginity at age 4.. tho had a celbiate period age 10-14..
He was Young Indy in one of the Indiana Jones AND was the star in Stand By Me.. his good looks helped his career soar..
he provided for his family.. breadwinner for all
a Vegan and animal Rights Activist..
they had the actual phone call his brother, Joaquin made to 911 and reenacted everything.. his 8 minutes of convulsing.. it really was kinda shook me up a bit..

Kurt Cobain.. 27 years old.. died April 5, 1994
No more info needed..
i can go on about this man.
i grew up with him
and in the same area as him
and my brother told me alll about him..
he is my hero..

AND THEN
I went to Carl Sandburg house
in flip flops
with snow~and ice..
i slipped a couple times lost my phone a couple times as it slid out of my pocket..
I found a pond covered in ice.. knocked and cracked the ice.. my phone slid across the ice and landed on the other side.. i had to scramble up the hill in flip flops and and retrieve it.. and head back to the other side...
I was cranking up "LAst of the Mohicans" and t was amazing.. I love it Last of the Mohicans style.. invigorating..

Walking downtown i had 3 people stop to ask if i needed a ride
in fact.. one Mexican actually turned around twice.. and pulled off the side of the raod to get me in his car.. or my number.. i wenti inside the nearby Pet Store and played with the puppies to get away from him..

And then went home.. cranked up the music.. danced around the kicthen.. made some soup.. puked.. danced.. made some cookie dough while dancing.. cleaned while dancing.. swept while dancing.. etc.
and
then
i decided
im not ugly.

funny dino~

(:

Urban Camouflage,,

URBAN CAMOUGLAGE!!
Looks like so much fun...




MORE!



Last one...

FEEL THE BEAT!!

NERD
Is good to listen to
while you
dance-walk..





(this.. by the way.. is "our song")


I had way too much fun...
I walked down to the pier
(i went back to my parents today)
to see about Kayaking.. but the water was too low.. i couldnt get out of the little bay area
so
i put my ear-muff headphones on again (those HUGE ones that cover your entire ears.. but the sound is AMAZING)
and continued down the path
dance-walking
grooving to the music
with my hands
with the beat
hopping and moving back and forth and all around
venturing off the trail for a bit..
(turning the music to Iron & WIne and "Scarborough Faire")
as i followed some deer tracks into the depths of the forest
:)

but i miss him
but i cant just sit there and watch him watch tv.. do his thing.. not eat...
and his sister and his cousin are not out there anymore
so i have no one to talk to
his mom is fun.. and his dad always has people over..
but i need my daddy

besides.. I got news last night that we are going to NEWFOUNDLAND!!!!
March 20-29..
some closure on Kyle..
spread the last of his ashes..
i want to visit with his old friends.. find out from them what he was REALLY all about..

stagnant

It has its moment.s..
i get restless
he sleeps
lays around in front of the tv
im fine with it... if i had something to do
I get to talk and chill with his sister and his cousin..
but thats not enough...
the nights..evenings make up for it..
the hugs and holding make up for it
the whispered words of promises i hesitate to believe
but it feels so good to believe
i want to let go of all doubt and accept this
but
i still live in fear of when this si going to end
so tahts why i spend all this time with him
because I want to soak it up as long as i can
as long as it will last

In other news...
I got to do an interview for San Diego zoo.. so my hopes are brightened by potential...
imagine
living out there on the West Coast..
Sunny San Diego..
whether he comes or not..
I am so there when tehy offer it to me

I get to hosue sit for my old boss~! :) The only sad part is she and her baby and husband will not be there! :(
alas..
I have a place to stay for a good bit
visit old freinds in the area
get some closure on the area...
I just love her
and her baby
and her husband
they have done SOOOO much for me
they will never even know...

I also got an email from my aunt in Buckley, WA offereing for me to become a nanny for her
whenever I want to come up
for however long id like to come up
ferrying her kids to different sports and practices and games...
perhaps cooking (I hope....)

Also my brothers spring break is coming up so that means FAMILY TRIP (if i dont have a job)

My thoughts are also clouded with the past..
Kevin.. yes yuou are there
Mark Dominey and Alonzo.. good freinds i havent heard from since I left Newfoundland that mean a lot to me..
and more
and good times
and sad times
but i miss them alll
anyway
i need to figure out this food situation

OH! I Made them dinner last ngiht :) Roasted potatoes.. he did hte buirger patties..
but i also made breakfast
FRENCH TOAST! YUMMMMMMMMY
and i let them know the offer always stands
if they want
French toast
grilled cheese... or cheese and ham..
Pancakes
Scrambled eggs.. omlettes..
POPCORN..
etc