$4/hour for the single dad
i am doing good for him
beause he can barely afford for him and his 2 daughters
but
at the same time
it is not helping me at all
because $4/hour for about 5-6 hours a day.. about 4-5 days a week
means i barely break even
but
I love his little girls.
I do
thats why i do it
I will miss them

So
Im still pissed off
I get way too worked up about food.. about my body.. about what I ate (or didnt eat)
when really
I am NOT big.
I may not be "small"
but
i m most certainly NOT big.
I KNOW that
I REALIZE that
but
I still let stupid things ruin my day.

Anyway
I am still stressed out about what to do with my life.
I am pretty sure I am staying here October 15 or 17 or something.. and then drive up to sunset Beach (JP;s parents)
It frustrates me and makes me sad that we have to leave before our months rent is up.,. but its gotta happen
and then I will stay a night or two with him
and hten drive over to Augusta.. fly out on the 20th.
While I am at home, I will decide whether or not I will pack for San Jose or to come back home after I am in Seattle.
I am going to babysit for my aunt (well.. her kids) for about a week or so .. walk her kids to school.. play with them on one of the days her kids have off school.. and a lot of free time during the dAy day...
and from there.. I am not sure what I am going to do..
I COULD go to San Jose to nanny for my uncle and his daughter for however long it needs to be until i can get on my feet again. From there I could stay for a LONG time.. or I could go down to Naples and meet with JP and find a job down there... or find a job in San Jose and stil nanny in between my job...
OR
I could chance it and go back to Hendersonville and see if WCCA Head Start will hire me again..
Granted.. I was not that happy when i was there last time, but at least this time i know what i am getting into.. wont have THAT high of expectations.. and know that i would rather live in Asheville than in Hendersonville..

why is life so complicated.
there are too many options.. too many opportunities out there.. how do i know whats right? i dont want to jump into something and then a week or two later realize i made a mistake..

why do i have to think so much
why cant i just take life as it comes
let it be