soo coold
and alone
and lonely
and same as always
but getting worse
I dont know how i can make it to JAnuary 4th to start the new job.. let alone the 4 months without him

BUT
last night..
after breaking down and crying in the depths of despair for a good 45 minutes.. I popped in some Pilates video.. and started MOOOVING
and felt better.. and then fell asleep
and then woke up.. did it again. . and now im still doing okay for now. cleaned the apartment as much as i could considering how small it is.. saving my grapefruit for a little later.. finishing up my mug of cocoa.. its 12:30 almost and SUPPOSEDLY have a friend on the way from Tuscaloosa.. I got a text from him last night saying he was making the trek today.. after canceling last week..
so
im a little nervous since i dont know him too well..
but happy that someone is willing to hang out with me for a bit :)

I have been calling/texting JPs sister, Amanda and their family a lot the past couple days.. feeling that deep sense of lonliness.. wishing i were there.. they care.. they hug.. they may not DO a whole lot.. but its PEOPLE. .its HUGS. .its "family".. (i did live with them for a good part of this past year..

Everythings closed today.. rains a fallin. .no where to go.. just wait for him to arrive i suppose and pop out the Scrabble :)

JP called briefly last night.. his service is bad so i didnt get to talk much.. but hes out with 5 New Yorkians that are Jewish in the middle of the Everglades and apparently they are quite rude and getting on his nerves.. poor thing.. alone out there on Christmas eve.. more alone than me i suppose since he is with people that dont appreciate him..
i dont know
i want him to come back
anyway
the heater isnt working too well either.. so i find myslef huddled against the heater as much as i can.. pressing the CONNECT button to the internet.. since the connections sketchy.. slow and always kicks me off..
so when i dont have access ot the internet.. thats my connection to the world.. to potential warmth from others.. from researching..
OH!
97% chance i will get to be an actual TEACHER of an Early Head STart classroom (2 year olds) come January.. since she thinks i am sweet, gentle and portray a lovingness that little ones would be drawn to whereas if i were in the 4 year old classroom the kids would be a lot harder to handle
thats fine with me
i would love to have my own kids :)
even if htey are 2 years old