why am i so scared to try things that i know will make me happy?

why am i so scared to allow new people into my life?

why do i get sOOOO nervous in person... soo scared of the unknown.. of what others are thinking..

wish someone would care enough to read up... to think.. to wonder.. to want.. to do...
im tired of doing for others
just once
it would be nice for someone to do for me~


i dont want to be so scared to live my life..
please dont let me chicken out...

where am i now?

Nothing more
Nothing less
Just numbing the pain with tattoos.. and other things i probably shouldn't be doing..
part of it is i get so caught up in the thought that it will make me happy..
that just once more tattoo...
or
hey.. ive never tried that, but heard that it makes you happy.. euphoric.. blissful.. why not try it?
even though my friends last words before i took it were, "Heres to life.. Its not mine so i dont want to be to blame for anything that goes wrong.."
I now have 4 tattoos...

and my cars in the shop... $255 to get it out
and i have no real job.. just one that i love that only brings in about $100 a week...
and i have no idea what to think about the dude.. if he really does like me.. or if he i am just a filler until something else comes along...
and i have no idea where to go with my life
should i teach english abroad? the whole idea is so mind blowing to me... teaching kids.. inspiring kids.. halfway across the country.. giving them hope
should i stay in Asheville and find a preschool job? there haven't been many opportunities.. but i do have some friends here.. its pretty here... its hippie here... its chill.. i have potential...
should i start over and drive across the country and start over in Oregon or Washington? back to home country? sCArY.. but intriguing.. re-inventing myself..
and i need to stop some things that i dont want to


I am a true gemini though...
I am terrified of being boring... of sameness... of consistency..
sometimes i think i stir up trouble JUST to throw some spice into my life..
i am way too curious.. too superficial.. i judge by how people act first.. and then i go back and realize that it is just an act.. i REALLY dont know how they feel.. i just see what i see.. maybe the reason why he is acting that way is because he just popped a bunch of pills... not that he doesnt like me..


I do like my tattoos
its kinda scary though..
my need for them...
for something

i dont know what im looking for
but i sure cant find it

I miss Tali.. i miss my boys.. :(

i miss how life used to be

im scared that i wont be able to find myself again

im scared i want to be a teacher because i dont want to let go of my childhood..

im starting to realize my indecisiveness is far worse than making the wrong decision

im too scared of being alone to hold out for the best

Sometimes i wish i was blind so i wouldnt have to look at myself everyday in the mirror

im afraid to grow up because sometimes it feels like things will never feel beautiful again

tv lied to me about how life would be

but MOST of all

I'm TerrifieD of not existing..