BUT!
I did get to go out on a paddle with him.. the sunset paddle.. Thursday night
i felt ALIVE out there.. on the water.. making it move.. dipping the oar in the crystalline waters.. spying jellyfish below.. bumping into the kelp.. seeing the house where a man lived that sold his Bacon and Bean Soup recipe to Campbells... the obolusk declaring the line between British and English sides of the island back in the times of the Pig War.. the seal bobbing his head about all around us.. the lines and cords that went into the water so that the whale researcher man could tape the whales calls.. he learned that there are 3 resident pods in the San Juans.. each with their own language..PLUS a language that was mutual between all three of them.. so each pod pretty much spoke 2 languages.. their own and the mutual one.. the feagle (fake eagle)
feeling the current push against me as i paddled back.. watching the mist rise over the water in the distance creating an eerie look.
it was lovely
i do wish to do it again

I cant seem to get it right
what did i do wrong?
was i TOO excited when i gave out my phone number?
was i not excited enough?
did they forget to call me?
did they really think i had anything else to do?
why didnt i get their phone number?

yet another night of sitting back
waiting
hoping
not sure if ia m hoping FOR an invitation to go back out into the world.. or hoping that i can hide away for another night
i am super tired
drained.
11 hour work again

JPs gone.
I cooked for him last night!:)
Baked Ziti. I put my all into it.. threw caution to the wind.. most especially because i attempted 2 different things to make but realized i lacked ingredients so i settled on baked ziti-Penny style.. (meaning no real meaning or recipe or rhyme or reason to it... just layered and swirled and baked..
and the oven.. propane.. i forgot you had to light it so the whole trailer part reeked of propane and i had to wait a good half hour before i felt safe enough to attempt to light the oven again
thankfully he brought 2 others with him.
he barely had what one wold consider a portion. The other 2 wiped it out.
i was happy.
happy to cook
happy to serve
happy to please others
happy they were talking to me
inviting me.. talking to me.. etc

We went to the bar again
i had been CRAVING dance.. dance party.. loud music.. the rush of the alcohol and adrenaline.. letting loose.. Captain Jack called and told me to come dance with him at Herbs. I WANTED TO SOO BAD!!
but i didnt really feel comfortable enough to go alone. And i KNEW JP was not going to dance at all.NOR would he like the fact that i went over there to say hi to Captain Jack.
(and btw today he invited me to go with him on his rowboat and a bottle of wine...)

I gave my phone number to 3 people.. asked 4 or 5 to call me tonight..
notta one

but my eyes ache from being awake.
and so i go