back to the same..

Back at the beach
i thought things were different..
in a way they are..
SPRING IS HERE!!!
the smell of spring.. things blooming.. naked trees slowly growing a coat of vivid greens.. the smell of freshly mowed lawns..

We went to get a snowball yesterday.. the BEST shaved ice slushie/snowball thingies i have ver had.. I haven't gotten one for myself yet.. but yesterday i was ona natural high from being with him again and i got a whole one myself..
we walked on the beach.. talking about San Deigo..
I hope that he actually DOES something and is not held back by fears .. im counting on him..
i dont know if he realizes that
maybe he does..
i dont know
but anyway

he lied a few times.. or at least didnt tell me the whole truth..
and i dont think he understands how much it hurts
but then..
i dont know
i cant lay around
again
waiting
but still too scared to go alone .. anywhere

im stuck in this stupid circle and i KNOW BETTER
which hurt is worse i guess...
watching him destroy himself and promise "im trying..",,.. "Im sorry"... "Last one".,,,

i did wake up with a horrible headache/migraine and sore throat.
i wanted to go to Wilmington with his mom and him to visit his sister..
I was willing to go.. cuz i knew that once i started going i would forget about the migraine.. or at least be distracted by it.. but if we stay here i will just wallow in it..
He said he wasn't ready yet
10 minutes after she left he was up and about..
and went into the bathroom again
:(


i hate being in hiatus
waiting
i dont like life on pause
im not that kind of girl