Eating disorders are malicious things.

I cannot stop thinking about food
Again
Ot would it be “still”
?
And I hate it
And I hate my body
And I hate constantly thinking about what I put into my body
What I should have put into my body
What its doing to my body
Looking down and seeing my belly

I have been trying for so long
Little eating disorder habits
No real meals
No caloric drinks (except alcohol.. or sugar free cocoa)
Denying hunger
Hiding foods
Ravaging on food when no one is around.. hiding the evidence
That’s one of the worst/most embarassing things..
Is getting caught in a binge

“No… I’m not hungry..”
and then less than 30 minutes later I’m in the kitchen… craving JUST ONE chipthey look so tempting.. and end up devouring it..
and then cuttting a slice of cheese.. and then another..
getting to that point where nothing matters anymore except the next bite
I want
I want
I need
I need
More more more more

And then
The fullness sets in.. the uncomfortable heaviness..
The abrubt reality check.. looking around and realizing what I did..

The rapid merry-go round of thoughts.. the franticsweeping into the trash of the crumbs and empty containers..
The panic.. “what now?”.. the “what do I do now?”.. “How do I get rid of this?” “How could I have done this.. I was doing sooooo good. .and I fucked up.. cant even have an eating disoder right..”
The stumbling to the bathroom.. fumbling with the lights.. grab for the toothbrush.. knealing down.. pressing down on my belly and trying so hard to release what I had just eaten..
Nothing
Nothing comes out
Its done
Cannot be undone
Fuck

I cannto sit around and do nothing all day
And still be okay with eating
So I deny my hunger
To balance out the no movement
Calorie-wise
My eating disorder mind says it makes sense
My realistic mind says, “WHAT are you doing to yourself? An INACTIVE person needs calories to function.. to keep the heart beating.. to keep the mind thinking..”
The eating disorder mind says, “it can use all the shit she ate yesterday.. and the day before..,. She doesn’t deserve to eat if she doesn’t move around.. get out.. do something. Its just going to pile on even more..and she will NEVER be where she used to be..”
And the rational mind again, “Don’t be silly.. have fruits… whole wheat bread.. protein-peanut butter.. simple things to get you by then,..”
And the eating disorder, “BREAD? Even whole wheat.. NO. maybe some crackers. If she can handle that… and not fail again.. She will never learn..”
And the rational mind, “Well if you just eat NORMALLY then you WON’T binge..”
And the eating disorder “She doesn’t deserve meals. She cant handle them. She’s different. If she eats like everyone else… all is lost..”
And on and on
Every single time
The constant war

And then hearing him puking
Does NOT help
Because also when he does what he does he doesn’t eat
And usually just eats popsicles and jello.. strawberries.. sometimes a pickle..
HOW THE FUCK DOES HE DO THAT?
THAT IS NOT FAIR!!!
☹
Why can’t I be okay with that
Maybe I’d be skinny too
I hate being big
Sooooo much
And I hate thinking selfish thoughts
And wanting people to eat more just so that I can feel okay with eating what I eat…

Eating disorders are like monsters living in your brain.. they take over.. vice-like grip.. it doesn’t go away.. sometimes it hides.. or sleeps.. but it always is there.. haunting me.. convincing me that REALITY is not REAL and what he says is real.

Yes.. my ED is a “he”
After 3 treatment centers.. we realized my ED.. the way he talks to me.. or about me.. doesn’t address me as a person.. just as “she”.. and the put downs.. and the “she doesn’t dserve someone to love her” blah blah blah.. is similar to Kyle and how he talked to me..
And I know better
And that’s the worst
I am smart.. I know I am… and I know the difference between right and wrong… between reality and mind-fucking ED thoughts..
But I CANNOT give in to reality
I always succomb to the ED

And I want to be happy again
And I want a purpose
And I want to do things for people.. to interact.. to inspire.. to play..

And alcohol is my saving grace
But also my killer
I know I shouldn’t do it as much as I should.. due to my liver transplant.. but sometimes I do it BECAUSE of that
And also because it numbs
The thoughts.. the thoughts.. the pain.. the same.. the guilt.. the wondering..
And I’m left with a hazy cloud of thoughts.. a peaceful world of fuzzy thoughts
And I feel free
Even though I am sure its killing me