SOoooo
Ive been thinking
and thinking and thinking

But not hard..
likeeeeee dreamy thinking...

It is not so bad here.
I am making a difference in the life of this child. This little 5 year old.. for the month or so that I am here, the constant contact.. the pure love and want that is soo evident on her face.. When I need a break and say "I need to go upstairs to get something. I will be right back." ... and I head upstairs and I hear her footsteps hurrying behind me. Something inside me sags, i really went upstairs to get a breath of air.. and then i turn around to her little face as though I caught her doing something bad.. she freezes and I break.. Of course I will let her follow me. It's okay. Little things mean soooo much to her.
We were at the library today. Her eyes were wide with amazement and wonder. I loved it... watching her take it all in. I know she had been there before... but I could tell it hadn't been enough.
She was poking through books.. at 5 years old, sounding out and reading random pages in random books.. At one point I checked in with her and said I would b right back, I was trying to find a particular book for her, but I guess it did not register. A few moments later, I noticed an older lady looking around as if she were searching for someone in particular.. I thought it was a bit peculiar for some reason..had a feeling something was wrong.. it turns out Sofia did NOT realize I said I would be right back... had noticed that I was not there and had started crying. As soon as she saw me she ran and hid her face in my leg, hiding her tears..
Imagine.. being that little.. being sooo into a book.. soo intent and proud of the fact you can read.. looking up to show the one you love, your protector-only to find that she is NOT there.. that all you see is strangers meandering about.. and for one as overprotective as her, I can imagine it was traumatizing...
We got ten books... and the Christmas with the Chipmunks CD..
Its fun in the car with her... all the way to schoool... and back from school we sing (well I sing-horribly might i add) to anything that comes on the radio. and I dance. in my seat. because being silly is what makes her laugh. and i love her laugh. and I love knowing that I can have that impact on someone. and I DO NOT CARE what anyone in the cars nearby think. I am having a wonderful time with my cousin, showing her that its okay to be silly. That I AM ALIVE.
and i like that feeling.
and i will continue doing that.