maybe someday

today was beautiful
he is good to me
which make this all even harder
because he does nothing wrong
and he knows it hurts me when he does it
and he knows i hate it
and he knows
but he does it

he ate all of the 10 things he got last night.. he got 2 extrafor free... saying they were for me.. and i wanted to try one tho i was scared to admit it.. but he got them all

we went to the beach
after not sleeping at all last night
hazy dazes of drowsy half asleep mummering to each other and bliss..

we hauled his kayak to the water.. he took his time but got in and paddled alongside the shore while i walked in the water
then he came in
saying the waves were getting too big and if he stayed out there longer and then tried to come in he would surely fip
i didnt mind
i spent the time playing in the water
like a little kid
braving the waves
egging them on
"COME ON! COME AND GET ME!\"
needless to say
i got soaked
but wow
while i was splashing around i got quite intrigued
each step/stomp i took i could see the water separating.. so i could momentarily see the sand below.. it amazed me.. that i could make the water part.. that i could feel the air around my feet as i was standing in the middle of the water
and i also dragged the canoe through the water back to the pier so we didn't have to haul it
i kept getting distracted by the bubbles.. wondering why hot tubs were so cold.. and then remembering where i was..
and then being transfixed by the waves.. how the water gently curled in on itself.. so perfect.. so crystalline.. so pristine.. clear.. rising in the air.. and tumbling in on itself.. and then rushing at you like a vacuum cleaner.. or millions of tiny fingers reaching for you

yes
i was not quite my normal self.. if you know what i mean
and it felt amazing
and i hate that its "not good"
because it makes everything so much more magical

and still no calll from San Diego Zoo.. which is why i did the stuff..
feeling worthless..lost..blah..blah...

and i get so scared
that he cant stop
that im getting twisted up into something thats going to shatter me
thats going to taint me for anyone and everyone else

from an alcoholic to a junkie..
i guess i like trying to save people
even though i know i cant save them
they have to do it for themselves
i can BE there for them
i can help them
love them
support them
but i cant save them
i cant make them stop
they have to do that for themselves
and i keep telling him that
atleast he treats me better than anyone
and he does love me
i can tell
and he is so beautiful to me and gentle.. and everything i never knew i always wanted

"its your life.. im letting you be an adult.. do what you want to do"
in between my tears.
maybe someday he will learn


(starts for real at 1:30)
"Look in my eyes.. your killing me .. killing me.. all i wanted was you..."