Day 4 (Grand Falls to Stephenville)

Well..
we made it to Stephenville.
oh the memories
walking up and down Main street.. stopping in at Tim Hortons for Cappuccino (half English Toffee, half French Vanilla)
Tossing jelly beans at passing cars.. while sitting across the street from Dominion on Chris's work break..
Curling in the curling club
Bonfires on the beach with Mark and all his friends.. tossing anything and everything we could find into the fire... burning and talking and carrying on all night
Running in the snow in our pajamas and flip flops across the street to get a tub of Frosting from the local convenience store "Needs" with Megan and all while jamming out to Dixie Chicks and making tents
Zooming around in the woods on the ski doos.. all packaged up in warmth and helmet to make me feel like Speed Racer..
running from the sauna to the snow and to the hot tub and back and forth.. getting the full experience of the extreme hot wetness (hot tub) and the extreme coldness (snow) and then the dry heat (sauna)
seeing how long popsicles could survive in the sauna
building igloos and pretending to hide from the barrage of snowballs that bore down on us from fellow friends
getting out tennish rackets and swatting away at June Bugs
climbing up to the top of the soccer goals and hanging out up on top of the mesh covering looking over the airport that has a runway "big enough for a spaceship" and where international and private jets stop by to refuel (my dad looked in the guest book in the airport due to his MILL MANAGER STATUS he got to wait in the LOUNGE and saw that "Elvis Prestley" and "Britney Spears" among others have stopped by little old stpehenville, NL

and now
all i can think about
again
is the meals
the food
how to avoid eating
and always fail
because i LIKE food
but i WANT more to be smaller
especially if we go to San Diego
I dont want to go there and have him rather have some better bodied girl..
and there are good bodied non-bimbos
and every time i eat
i feel like a failure
then other times i look in the mirror and realize im not ugly
and other times when i cant stand to look in the mirror..
and all i want is to be okay with myself
tho i never was before.. even when i got down to 65 pounds
i stil wanted to lose more
and i cant purge it anymore.. i sit in front of the toilet.. my thoughts fighting with themselves.. debating whether to do the healthy thing and NOT.. or do the thing that will settle my racing mind and calm my fears.. BUT I CANT
and feel like shit cuz i can just feel it all bulking up inside.. and showing up outside..
fuck it

and still no one has contacted me from stephenville
but one girl i am sure is going to come through for me tomorrow
she promised
and i dont want another disappointment
i cant take it
no one is making any effort to see me
not that im all that special
but i thought they would be excited
even spare the time to text me to emet them for coffee
is that too much to ask
that would just make my day
someting small
im not asking for the world
im not aksing for the night even
or even dinner
just
a hug

and i miss him more everyday
and worry that im not good enough.. or wont be once we get to san diego..
in my right mind.. i know he will stick with me and that he means what he says
but the whole ED mind twists everything around
just like it taints every thought i have

dont EVER wish you had an eating disorder... dont ever fall into one
it wont go away
it wont let you enjoy life
your never good enough
for you
or anyone else