i just feel so wholesomely lost
alone
scared

And just like that
hes gone
for 4 months
leaving me with no supoprt.. no friends..
but hey.. at least i have 2 jobs.. which will change in January when i start with Head STart.. she claims she can promise 5 days a week 8-2 or 3..
but whenever i am in there.. the Head STart i get the strangest vibe.. like confinement..
i suppose i need to give it a chance
i just need friends
but whenever he leaves.. i have no motivation.. no effort left over to try to make friends.
i guess it doesnt help that i am working a lot.. or if i am not i am with him.
and now hes gone
and i have all this free time
and no one to come home to
no hug
no movies
no shared meals or snacks.
instead i come home to an empty apartment.. decently warm in one room.. frigid in the other.. and in the bathroom..

but my parents came Satruday.. dropped off my Christmas presents since I wont be going with them to Seattle for Christmas. :(
I opened them up already... to my joy it was a Wii!! So now i have a Wii.. Wii fit..
which is fun
but
today
no
its not

The studio is fun when people are there.. but the hours are long when no one is there.. YMCA--i go there for the kids.. finding myself attached to them. . looking forward to certain ones.. preparing myself and the room for others.. but no structure.. no challenge.. becomes old quickly

my money is low
due to him and to the stupid emotional vampire that is in jail now and wanted me to bail him out for $2,200.. NO
he has done NOTHING for me but make me cry.. bring me down.. manipulate.. trick.. take my money with NO conscience..

and i wonder how happy can i really be here?
How can i make friends?
If only one of the restaurants will hire me.. that will open me up to a new group of people..
whenever i went in to apply to be a waitress.. there were plenty of people my age.. that acted interested in me.. that seemed interesting..

instead i came home today
had a slice of toast with peanut butter.. called him.. no answer.. grew restless.. had some ice cream.. went to the bathroom.. went on the computer... ate half a box of Honeycomb.. went to the bathroom.. and now
now what?