hate those dreams..

Have you ever had one of those dreams... where you FIND someone.. someone hot.. that thinks your hott too.. and then leads you off.. to find a room.. or anywhere..
i felt the ANTICIPATION of it all
i felt the THRILL as i realized we were going to do it.. and NOT on a bed... somewhere scandalous
i felt the DELIGHT that someone actually liked me enough to want me..
i FELT it all.. like i wasnt asleep.. the colors were vivid.. i could feel his hand in mine as he gently tugged me along as we wound around the aisles trying to figure out a discreet spot.. .

and then i woke up
to my mom muttering out loud that it was snowing.. opening the curtain to let in the blaring white light from snowglobe world outside...
and i felt it all wash away.. as the realization sank in that it was all a dream
and it wasn't going to happen..

Christmas Eve :/

Christmas Eve..
I asked my parents quite afew times to stop by the grocery store.. I needed some Reisling... they never.. but we did spend who knows how much time looking for a Guitar Center for Greg.. 2 of them...
We went to my aunt and uncles... my mom wouldn't let me have her wine because shes possessive.. and usually drinks a whole bottle herself anyway.. my aunt hesitated.. asked if i wanted a glass.. I heard the strain in her voice as though she didnt WANT to offer it to me, but felt as though she had to... I declined.. not wanting her to resent me.. besides i was warned not to drink because it would make me look "worse off" ..
We played Trivial Pursuit.. i was on a team yes.. but got stuck sitting on a stool.. no one asked for my opinion and when i DID try to say something-whether it be witty or helpful- no one seemed to heard me..
No one asked me questions about my life... they asked my 2 cousins.. and Greg.. my parents. everyone.. not me~
My cousin whom i used to play for HOURS with.. was gone most of the night out with friends and then brought home a friend.. not a word was said to me.. no attempts to include me..
its kinda sad how sometimes when people grow up.. grow apart. i understand that.. we live in completely different worlds.. but still.. she didnt do a thing.
My mom went off on me later about what i SHOULD do with my life and why my life wasnt going where it should and blahblahblah


-BUT-
We did get to go sledding! :) I had this plastic disc... I would FLY down the hill for a bit.. spinning around.. ending up zooming down backwards and then ALWAYS tumbled into the snow drifts..
Cold
soggy
delicious fun
:)
Sledding.. ohh myan.. brings back soo many good memories.. BIG hills.. a series of hills that would be perfect for a giant slinky.. jumps and ramps built up on the bottom... going and going and going until you are soaked all the way though.. trudge home in exhausted delight.. strip off the layers of wetness and sink into a chair with a warm blanket and mug of hot cocoa ":)
i feel aliveeeeee playing out in the snow~!