I want a cat
so i can be entertained
and happy
and laugh at the silly things he does
give him a unique name
like
Acorn.... Flopsy... Hotlips... Puddin... Scrwny.. Smidget


is it weird that the theme song to Jurassic Park makes me want to cry?

On my walk today.. for a good hour.. in the "tornado" winds.. listening to music.. thinking.. i went through every emotion possible.. cried.. laughed.. danced.. sat to contemplate.. blah blah blah.. cuz music makes me think.. emotionally..

I hate that i want to eat so so so so so bad
but i am not NECESSARILY hungry
but i haven't eaten a lot
but then again sometimes i lie to myself about what i ate
so i really dont know
but nothing seems appetizing
and its excruciating
getting up.. wandering the kitchen.. opening the pantry. the fridge.. even though i know exactly whats everywhere.. at any given second of the day.. moreso than anyone who lives here

I do want to go to Chinatown
i associate it with wandering.. exploring.. getting curiously fascinated and disgusted at the same time at their array of foods and their wrinkled old people smiling with no teeth.. yet still doing their best to sell.. shouting incomprehensibly LOUD and FAST like the announcer at an Auction.... wandering in anime stores for my brothers and finding all kinds of cute little trinkets and cartoony animals... Pokey Sticks and the Panda Bear snacks filled with strawberry or chocolate cream... stiting around the big round table with my cousins and aunt/uncle ordering all kinds of delicious hot chinese food and spinning the lazy susan in the middle of the table to get what i wanted.. the hot tea that was soo tasteless but soo addicting.. DimSum with my grandma where she would ask what every single thing was. and order pretty much every other thing even octopus and all kinds of curious foods so our table was filled with little chinese snacks-steamed, fried, baked, etc.

I also want to go back to South America
explore the jungle
get lost
go on an adventure
slid down the muddy hills and tumble into the river
blah blah blah

shitty day
BBID
(Bad Body Image Day)
EVERYthing i did.. everywhere i looked
i couldn't sit down
i couldn't eat
tho i did.. a bowl of defrosted frozen strawberries COVERED in coolwhip

nothing i do at all will help me lose
and it sucks
because i like dont big
and i hate that i love eating
and i hate that i love the hunger feeling.. eating away at me..
but i love eating
strawberries
saltines
grapes
a handful of chips here or there if i need something salty
salads
chopped and roasted potatoes with parmasean and garlic..

thats been my diet lately..
pretty much

and i keep cutting back
and nothings helping

but then we went to drop of little Taylor at her grandmas house
i love playing with her
but it also gets to me
because i see him wandering around
and i want to be with him
but Taylor and her neighbor friend keep following me around
so i play wtih them
entertain them
because i cant let them sit in front of that tv
morally i cant i guess
well.. i just hate to see them so braindead
so i bought
frosting... sugar cubes.. little cheap candies
and showed them how to build
and they went crazy with excitement..
and then i broke out toothpicks and mini marshmallows
:)

anyway
he and i raked the leaves in his grandparnts yard.. dug out rocks from the yard so the grandpa could mow
and i felt better
because i DID something
and then made the mistake of eating when i got back
and now feel shit again
but
it should go away..
it just kills me.. messes with my mind when he doesnt eat

beacuse i could tell you right now
EVERYthing thats in that cuboard.. that fridge.. freezer..
i could tellyou what he ate today.. what his dad.. Taylor..
versus what i ate
mmm

eating disorders never leave your mind unoccupied..