long days between the kid time :/

no gas.. cant go home.. cant visit anyone.. no one will visit me..

i cant sleep ether.. the past 2 nights i cant get to sleep until 6:30 or later... and then its restless.. and only lasts a couple hours..

i watched an amazing movie.. that i recomend to EVERYONE... "Love Me If You Dare" .. a French movie.. made by the same people as Amelie... it is also a Sundance Film.. my favorite kind.. It is riviting.. shocking..beautifull.. inspiring.. scary.. all at once.. and more..
go watch it.. rent it.. buy it.. it will change your night..

My other job is at a Paint your own pottery studio... and there is regular clay to play with.. a pottery wheel.. mosaics to be made... pottery to be panted.. floors to be swept.. people to entice.. kids to inspire.. it is lovely.. when i am there..
I find that a lot of the time i am there.. if the owner is there too i play with her son, a 15 month old adorable little boy..

other than that.. days are slow.. i pass the time visiting thrift stores looking for trinkets and fun things to add to my plcae.. dreaming up fantasies of how my place could look.. of how my life could be,,,

I dont know if i can leave Talisman actually..
did i tell about the boy who crumbled into tears in my arms? the other boy who looks in my eyes when he sings "I wanna hold your hand"? or the fact that i skip off at night sometimes to visit a guy that i dont know what our status is, but he wont come visit me when he is on duty and i am home alone lonely and wanting? or that i survive off canned fruit, wine, salsa and cocoa packets when i am not at camp? or that the kids groan when i have to go take a break because it means they are stuck with Zack? or how it broke my hear that one of the kids refused to talk to me and wouldn't tell me why-to the point that i broke down into tears-which made him realize how much he hurt me and reconciled? or that i spent all of last night worrying that i burnt down my new job because i forgot to turn off a set of lights? that i dread my days off because i know the nights are going to be long and cold and empty to the point that i sometimes have to drink wine and have a couple bidis before i can actually think of sleeping-sometimes crying myself to sleep?

dont ever compare life to movies.. or lyrics.. it will never come close to the magic they portray.. or so i have learned..
maybe someday
i do have dreams
dreams that i will actually be able to follow through on my hopes and plans to visit friends and relatives around the country? to travel to Mexico to visit Diego and Karin? to fulfill my dream of having a kitten to love me like i need to be? to love and accept myself for who i am? to look in the mirror and not turn away in disgust?
blah blah blah

anyway

MGNT "Electric Feel"

and

MGNT "Time To Pretend"

and


Citizen Cope "Bullet and a Target"

and

N.E.R.D. "Spaz"

are the songs i play to try to buoy me out of my icky mood...
sometimes they work.. other times i revert back to my mellow songs...
Ben Harper "In your Eyes"


30 SEconds to Mars "the Kill (acoustic)"