blah.
i am tired of chasing after people
of fighting for things
of people taking advantage.
of me not being able to say no
because im scared that if i say no
they will not want me
they will be mad.. upset..
bad things can happen when one says no

anyway
i went back to my work and picked up my last paycheck.

and i went on a walk with Him
and it was fine
he was still out
and we had a slight silly thing going on
where i said that since it was so hot we should go back and drive down to Calabash to get snowballs
he said, "we should walk!"
its a long way
i was skeptical
and i admitted that.
he taunted me that i couldn't do it
i felt icky.. and so i told him that i was going to go
so i started off
he shouted once
and then turned back to go home
and i continued walking hoping that he would come after me
apologize
i dont know
not that he did anything wrong
but he never
and i gave up
and started after him.. tearing up.. and soon full out crying..
he never turned around
never came back
so i ahd to sit by the pond to let it out before i went back
thinking
too much thinking
i sooo almost drove home today
instead i drove to get my check...

still havent heard
still feel the world crushing in on me
still feeling the high and acceptance of being with my uncles friends
(i only had ONE Mike';s Hard Lemonade and i was gone for the rest of the night.. very entertianing and amusing.. and im sure i was to them too)

and i only bought one purchase there.. other than the restaurants i went to with my couchsurfer friend..
a cute hat.. $50.. but soo worth it.. and soo me..
and i wear it to make others smile
and i accomplished that quite a bit yesterday while walking though the airport..
yea, sure some people were laughing at me.. maybe... but others were just amused.. some admired..
atleast i made an impact on their day
not just another balloon floating by

and i was highly dissapointed at my welcome home
yes he came to get me
to pick me up
i drove us home
and then to his freinds so they could drive somewhere .. WAY down a dirt road.. to get some stuff
and then to a very scary area.. where guys rushed the car.. at 1 am.. to get more stuff
and my $100..
and i cried
and tried not to show it
because i knew he wasnt himself
again