I want... so much.. to swing..
I want a swing. A rope swing, a playground swing, a porch swing, a tire swing, it doesn't really matter. I love that feeling. of the wind in your hair.. feeling the air rushing at you.. staring down and seeing the earth below you... detached from the ground, yet still there.. still feeling everything... leaning back and feeling the gravity tug gently as you sway back and forth, suspended in the air by a rope.. or a chain... watching the world surge toward you in a blur of colors.. and then you are sucked backwards... and then forward... until you let go.. close your eyes and let go of what you are holding onto, not sure if you will fall in a relentless crashing heap of rocks or a welcoming soft patch of grass...
SWING by ~Dgym on deviantART
I still can't get out of my pity party...
I try to do things... I am able to get out of it at times.. at the Zoo... with the animals.. the kiddos... oR at the Children's museum with Sarah Kate and the people that work there and the kids I interact with. Then i always arrive back in the state i was before.
So i try other things
i cut my hair
i bought some things im not sure about
no one calls me back so I call again and become the annoying "LeAVE ME ALONE" person
i eat
going out on school nights WAYYYYYY past when I should
I have no idea where my life is going... where I will be in a 6 months... and am constantly teeter tottering between two extremes :
1. live these past few months up.. i can't relive my (2nd year) senior in college again.. go off the edge a bit... challenge myself.. try things.. do things... experience life..
2. to continue as usual, because no one here will remember or care about me in a year anyway, so why try so hard for something that i can never get? I can never see myself in other peoples shoes, the shoes of the people that always have people over.. always are chill.. always are comfortable with themselves... are invited places.. have their hair brushed back ever so slightly..
-->I try to live the first one. But it is hard when no one grabs on to the ropes I throw out to them. I start out with that mentality, but it is soon slaughtered as i realize what fate and destiny has in store for me.
BUT There are good things.
The good memories. The good times.
-> The fact that i have an internship at the zoo.. something ive always dreamed about as a little girl who grew up visiting pretty much every zoo we passed through on our vacations.
-> that i have the best roommate ever
-> that I have a friend that i have never met, but have told him things i haven't told anyone and even though we are many miles apart (and will be even more) he knows how to care.
-> that I spent 4 wonderful years at the Children's Museum and the people and kids i met and worked with there (especially Sarah Kate)
-> the best summer of my life at camp Talisman and the girls who still keep in touch... closest to a real friend that i have ever had...
-> good times in Newfoundland... bundling up in the freezing cold, climbing on the ski-doo and racing through the shimmering white maze of trees.. curling and slowly sliding the rock across the ice "SWEEEEEP! SWEEEP!"
Grand Bazaar by ~MafiaNet on deviantART.
-> traveling to Greece and Turkey on a cruise... exploring the ancient ruins and all of the places i learned about in history.. seeing them in real life and closing my eyes and imagining what it would have been like to live when it was at its prime... wandering through the open air bazaars as the tenders shouted out to me, calling to me, "hello beautiful, look what i have for you."... "wow you shine.. come look.." and I ignored their hidden motives and let myself believe that i was beautiful like they said..
.
Teardrop Twinkle by ~chantreajohari on deviantART.
-> traveling with my grandparents to Paris.. sipping the richest, thickest hot chocolate i've ever had.. pulling apart the flaky, fresh baked croissants and savoring their delicious buttery lightness... wandering down the Hall of Mirrors in Versailles and closing my eyes, shutting everything out and imagining myself in a beautiful ball gown, chatting with those near me and admiring the exquisite and meticulously decorated walls and ceiling, the music slowing carrying across the room as we all start to dance while the chandeliers sparkle and shimmer above us, basking their glow upon us below...
-> the 3 treatment centers I've been in and bonded so completely with all the girls there, feeling loved and supported by all of them while I was there, helping me convince myself that I can make it on my own in the world..
-> my family and the wonderful adventures we would go on.. our goofiness.. our traditions..
-> Japan.. pretending to be a ninja with my brothers.. visiting the Nikko Edo village and it's magical ambiance, complete with sword-wielding samurai, stealthy ninjas and kimono enveloped beautiful ladies... the hibachi bar where they flipped the food in the air much to the delight of my brothers and i... the Pacari Sweat and pachinco parlors and umbrellas that looked like ducks or turtles.. the museum in Hiroshima where i don't remember a thing except the haunting sadness of that statues of people with their skin dripping off, I cried the rest of the time and, as a result don't remember much else at all due to not being able to see between the flood of tears...
-> the fact that i lived on my own in New Orleans for half a year, tracked down my own car, my own apartment, 2 jobs... and realized that i could live on my own... visiting the zoo everyday and trying to establish friendships with the animals.. drinking bubble tea with the my photographer friend who hired me to help keep him organized, but we pretty much spent time doing anything and everything cuz he pretty much treated me like an adopted daughter... wandering down Magazine street, amazed at how it changed from beautiful, amazingly huge antebellum mansions to creepy run down buildings within a span of 2 blocks...
I try to do things... I am able to get out of it at times.. at the Zoo... with the animals.. the kiddos... oR at the Children's museum with Sarah Kate and the people that work there and the kids I interact with. Then i always arrive back in the state i was before.
So i try other things
i cut my hair
i bought some things im not sure about
no one calls me back so I call again and become the annoying "LeAVE ME ALONE" person
i eat
going out on school nights WAYYYYYY past when I should
I have no idea where my life is going... where I will be in a 6 months... and am constantly teeter tottering between two extremes :
1. live these past few months up.. i can't relive my (2nd year) senior in college again.. go off the edge a bit... challenge myself.. try things.. do things... experience life..
2. to continue as usual, because no one here will remember or care about me in a year anyway, so why try so hard for something that i can never get? I can never see myself in other peoples shoes, the shoes of the people that always have people over.. always are chill.. always are comfortable with themselves... are invited places.. have their hair brushed back ever so slightly..
-->I try to live the first one. But it is hard when no one grabs on to the ropes I throw out to them. I start out with that mentality, but it is soon slaughtered as i realize what fate and destiny has in store for me.
BUT There are good things.
The good memories. The good times.
-> The fact that i have an internship at the zoo.. something ive always dreamed about as a little girl who grew up visiting pretty much every zoo we passed through on our vacations.
-> that i have the best roommate ever
-> that I have a friend that i have never met, but have told him things i haven't told anyone and even though we are many miles apart (and will be even more) he knows how to care.
-> that I spent 4 wonderful years at the Children's Museum and the people and kids i met and worked with there (especially Sarah Kate)
-> the best summer of my life at camp Talisman and the girls who still keep in touch... closest to a real friend that i have ever had...
-> good times in Newfoundland... bundling up in the freezing cold, climbing on the ski-doo and racing through the shimmering white maze of trees.. curling and slowly sliding the rock across the ice "SWEEEEEP! SWEEEP!"
Grand Bazaar by ~MafiaNet on deviantART.
-> traveling to Greece and Turkey on a cruise... exploring the ancient ruins and all of the places i learned about in history.. seeing them in real life and closing my eyes and imagining what it would have been like to live when it was at its prime... wandering through the open air bazaars as the tenders shouted out to me, calling to me, "hello beautiful, look what i have for you."... "wow you shine.. come look.." and I ignored their hidden motives and let myself believe that i was beautiful like they said..
.Teardrop Twinkle by ~chantreajohari on deviantART.
-> the 3 treatment centers I've been in and bonded so completely with all the girls there, feeling loved and supported by all of them while I was there, helping me convince myself that I can make it on my own in the world..
-> my family and the wonderful adventures we would go on.. our goofiness.. our traditions..
-> Japan.. pretending to be a ninja with my brothers.. visiting the Nikko Edo village and it's magical ambiance, complete with sword-wielding samurai, stealthy ninjas and kimono enveloped beautiful ladies... the hibachi bar where they flipped the food in the air much to the delight of my brothers and i... the Pacari Sweat and pachinco parlors and umbrellas that looked like ducks or turtles.. the museum in Hiroshima where i don't remember a thing except the haunting sadness of that statues of people with their skin dripping off, I cried the rest of the time and, as a result don't remember much else at all due to not being able to see between the flood of tears...
-> the fact that i lived on my own in New Orleans for half a year, tracked down my own car, my own apartment, 2 jobs... and realized that i could live on my own... visiting the zoo everyday and trying to establish friendships with the animals.. drinking bubble tea with the my photographer friend who hired me to help keep him organized, but we pretty much spent time doing anything and everything cuz he pretty much treated me like an adopted daughter... wandering down Magazine street, amazed at how it changed from beautiful, amazingly huge antebellum mansions to creepy run down buildings within a span of 2 blocks...
