song for the moment

WHY do i let others dictate ow i feel?
seriously
i dont want it.. but i let it happen
i call him every single night when i am at work.. whether i feel sad or happy or exhausted...
he wanted me to come over for the last 2 nights and i couldnt because i was single staffed.
now that there are 5 staff there including staff.. 2 in 2 cabins.. one in the last cabin ..
he wont even F123213 call.. wont .. cant.. i dont know.. but t doesnt make me feel goode about myself..
:(
nope
after that long week on shift.. i was going to.. but i didnt.. and now.. after his ONE day with the kids... LESS than one day... nothing..
and im too F!@E#{129i scared to call.. too sel,f conscious... too scared that he wont answer or will not want to come.,..
whatever
goodngiht


and i dont think its the wine talking.. though i admit i did have quite too much

off shift.. The week is OVER! :/

Right.
Im off now.
Sad too.. its too drama free...
i DO like being single staffed in a way.. everything is more intense.. if things are good, i feel proud,. if things are crazy or bad i feel responsible and get sad/mad/frustrated with myself because i cant handle them. I feel like the groups ability to get along and behave is a result of me and my actions.

Yesterday one of the kids messed with another's $800 Base. He was already restricted from any and all instruments due to his rough handling of it.. playing it as if it were an intense guitar hero session. He ended up sleeping outside.. packing out for dinner and then let the other shift deal with it because i had NO idea what should happen next. At the time, I had run off after two who had had enough of the group.. were fed up.. frustrated that they had nothing.. no independence.. no life.. that the staff didn't care about them-only the money that came in.
So when one of the others came up with the Base. E. punched a cubby instead of the other kid and walked off after dumping over the other kids cubby. I was proud that he didnt hurt anyone.. though he did end up going to the hospital due to his smashed up knuckles.

OH and my favorite thing about that whole incident.. I was processing with the group (except H and E and K-E and K had gone to the doctor.. H was sitting in his bed taking a time out from group until i figured out what to do) we were ALL frustrated and anxious..
SOoooo.. i reverted back to what i do best..
PAINT!!
we all got out my paint and started splattering the wall.. .Now it looks amazing.. if you have seen "Across the Universe" with the strawberry and the dripping paint... It is kind of like that.. except on a huge white wall.. and with all colors .. we had yellow.. red.. pink.. neon green.. orange....

I was planning on visiting JP last night.. but was highly and hugely disappointed that the kids were acting out.. that the other two cabins were single staffed as well... so i did the right thing and stayed in.. :(

anyway..
Kevins birthday is today :) I text/talk sometimes.. realize even more every time how much he means to me.. how much he has influenced and impacted me on many levels.
Its also my mom's birthday
I also have to go to my other job today.
I also need a drink