But Yet I am Still sAd.. and for no reason in particular..
but many reasons... small reasons..
as usual..
the yearn to have friends.. to not be lonely.. to not be sad.. to love life again.. to be able to feel comfortable with others.. to not get nervous/skeptical when i am alone with others-potential friends..constantly never being able to be comfortable..

AND why is it that the only thing that I can legally use as an escape is something that is QUITE risky to my life
(drinking and liver transplant patinets=not good combination)

but i cant smoke because its illegal and all of the jobs I want/need require testing..
and blah blah blah

and i keep 2nd guessing..
Do i really want to work at the Convalescent center"?
Is it really what I want to be doing? or is it what SOCIETY/MY PARENTS want me to be doing (GET A JOB!)... at the detriment of fun...
I mean
I guess things might not be that bad
but the thought of spending all day long with a bunch of half comotose old people.. changing their sheets, etc.
does not really equate to fun.. or excitement to work. or whatnot..

BUT I LOVE WAITRESSING

Okokokok.
I love children
and no one can hold a baby.. with its chubby pink cheeks and wide gazing eyes without giving them a kiss on the cheek..
I loved being with kids again
but the place was similar to every other preschool in certain ways.. the way they handled certain things.. nap time procedures... and the fellow teachers were not too welcoming at all.. only two of the 8 talking to me in the whole 3 days I was there.. and one was because she was the teacher I was "following"..
the kids were adorable.. but you could tell that many of them had deeper issues.. defiance and aggression with a vacant look.. clinging to anyone and everyone except children their age. violently shaking their wrist high in the air, as though threatening to come down on my shoulder, etc.
we got to pick them up in our vans.. strap the kiddos in their seats.. and then unbuckle and walk then 2 at a time to their classrooms.. and same procedure on the way home.. so they were only at the center from 9:30-2:15 with a 2 hour nap and half hour lunchtime.. and 15-25 minute snack..
I came away feeling let down.. confused.. incomplete. unsatisfied... lost.. as though i did noting all day.. even though I was there on the ground with them investigating bugs, questioning if they ate marshmallows that fell on the floor and where the sane came from that was beneath the sticks.. etc.
I also got to stay with old family friends.. pretty much my 2nd parents.. and it was nice.. refreshing.. comforting..

And by the time Thursday ran around i was ready to go back.. the 2 and a half hour bus ride to the ferries.. then 2 hour ferry ride because the last ride of hte night goes to EVERY island before Friday Harbor (only 3 other ones.. but i wanted to be home NOW)

arrived at 10:40.. showered, couldnt sleep til 1:20.. woke up at 4:45 to get to work at 5:30.. and straight ahead til 2:30.. we were BUSY!!! soo no rest.. no sit down til i got home at 3... and then repeat today.. except for the fact i had a migraine last night that kept me up til 2:30 r so..
but i like it here
im going to make it
i enjoy it here... i feel more at peace now
but still sometings missing