whwwww

ive been in and out of sickness for hte past long while.. including a trip to the ER early Saturday morning..
migraines
nausea
chills.. hot.. cold.. fatigue.. feeling as though i weighed 1.,00 pounds..
on and off
sometimes worse than others
but no fever
nothing came of the ER except some shots of benedryl
and then i suddenly felt stupid for going
and He was falling asleep.. or attempting to.. since he hadnt been able to for a long while due to his withrawling
which got so bad the other day i lent him $190 to ride 2 hours to pick up "something" to ease his pain

meanwhile
i bought him
Trainspotting
cuz it reminds me of him

and I told my work I was leaving 100% wed to fly out to sEattle to do the interveiw
i felt horrible
the wife.lady got all panicky and sad
the husband.man got all loud (as usual) and "Bah.. well do what you gotta do i suppose while we suffer back here"
and he gave me a hard time for using one of the take out menues that was on the floor to pick up some half eaten sandwich bread and cheese instead of my hands "THATS LIKE USING MONEY TO PICK UP GARBAGE"
and for taking a delivery order of just one sandwich.. which was $9.76.. and just down the street.. "I DONT DELIVER IF IT IS UNDER $10"
I dont like working when he is there.. he intimidates me.. i try not to let it..
I am going to miss waitressing.. even though I havent been able to enjoy the financial benefits since most of what I earn goes to him for some reason or another
Hes supposed to be quitting cigarettes.. In fact he told the place he is working this summer that he HAS quit.. 5 months ago.. and he still continues to sit around and do not miuch at all.. though occasionally he does go across the street to the house they are working on to help out..
but i do have that little ball of fear that the job is going to be too much for him.. physically and not being able to stop smoking or use his "recreationals" ..
..and when I was horribly sad that I might have to work in a different city than him I said "I don't think I could do the day to day without coming home and having you hold me"
He said, "I dont think I can afford to live in Friday harbor without you"
:(
so its money
not me
like my roomate from T-town
"Im sure going to miss your cooking"
not me
my cooking
I brought htat up to him later.. he got pissed off and left the room "You know its more than that"
meanwhile I was confined to the bed due to migrane.nausea./chills./sickness beyond any other
so i couldnt even follow
but i did.. and explained that I DONT HAVE ANYONE TO TALK TO ANYMORE.. all the thoughts get jumbled.. i dont know whats right and whats wrong.. i cant even trust my eyes when they look down at my body.. or the mirrors.. or other people
he doesnt realize the extent of the struggles in my mind
i dont expect him to..
but he does know that when i collapse on the couch next to him.. he plays with my hair.. strokes my arm.. brings me up to hold him
and my favorite time of day is the monring when he sleepily reaches for me to hold me
or at night when we are laying in the bed and hes watching tv and im just holding on for dear life.. sometimes watching tv somethings thinking myself into a hole... or a plateau..