back to the same..

Back at the beach
i thought things were different..
in a way they are..
SPRING IS HERE!!!
the smell of spring.. things blooming.. naked trees slowly growing a coat of vivid greens.. the smell of freshly mowed lawns..

We went to get a snowball yesterday.. the BEST shaved ice slushie/snowball thingies i have ver had.. I haven't gotten one for myself yet.. but yesterday i was ona natural high from being with him again and i got a whole one myself..
we walked on the beach.. talking about San Deigo..
I hope that he actually DOES something and is not held back by fears .. im counting on him..
i dont know if he realizes that
maybe he does..
i dont know
but anyway

he lied a few times.. or at least didnt tell me the whole truth..
and i dont think he understands how much it hurts
but then..
i dont know
i cant lay around
again
waiting
but still too scared to go alone .. anywhere

im stuck in this stupid circle and i KNOW BETTER
which hurt is worse i guess...
watching him destroy himself and promise "im trying..",,.. "Im sorry"... "Last one".,,,

i did wake up with a horrible headache/migraine and sore throat.
i wanted to go to Wilmington with his mom and him to visit his sister..
I was willing to go.. cuz i knew that once i started going i would forget about the migraine.. or at least be distracted by it.. but if we stay here i will just wallow in it..
He said he wasn't ready yet
10 minutes after she left he was up and about..
and went into the bathroom again
:(


i hate being in hiatus
waiting
i dont like life on pause
im not that kind of girl

Last night in St Johns

Last night was a good night.. a simple end to the trip..
I got ahold of my old curling friend, Lynsey who I knew was a fun, not too crazy friend. Meaning I wouldn’t be out all night.
We met at the vegeatrian restauruant, The Sprout.

Back Up.
I went with my parents to a local irish pub, Shamrock City. I was super hungry and contrary… wanting to go home and not having eaten all day except like 20 suckie candies.
There was live music! ☺ A flute, guitar, 2 fund irish drums and scottish pipes.
Beautiful irish music.

Anyway, we ate dinner.. Lynsey and I.. getting caught up on the past 7 years.. me getting more and more energized.. she invited me back to her place to visit with some friends before going out to a bar.
On our walk back to the car
The MOST AMAZING thing happened
We ran into Karis!
He was one I was trying to get ahold of but I couldn’t get his number, though he posted on myy Facebook wall that he would love to hang out. (though didn’t make much of an effort)
He used to be sooo cute and like a little child.. now he’s older, gayer, taller,… a model.. so all 3 of us stood on that street corner talking and catching up and laughing.. though mostly it was Karis and I talking while Lynsey hung back..
“Your JUST like I remember!”.. “You always made me laugh soo much!”…. “Your so cute!”… “I wish wd could hang out!!”… “You must be a writer, just by the way you see the world and describe it in so much detail.”…
and all so genuine.

Lynseys frineds were fun.. typical.. loud bunhc of girls around a table chit chatting until we went out to the bars.
I had her drop me off before the bars because it was already 11 and I knew I had to get up at 5:30.

Now im on the plane
And there are 2 girls behind me who have never been on a plane before
I cant even remember the first time I was on a plane.
I still love take off and landing.. the intesnity.. the shudering of the entire thing.. the shkay touchdown.. the force of being lifted into the air or sucked back down.. watching the earth come to me.. or leave me.. growing smaller or larger depending on landing or take off..
I just hate customs
And
I hate security.
I understand how it is needed, but they are so scrutinizing.

I wish there was like 100 more episodes of Tim nad Eric
Because I ran out of new ones.
And I miss it already
Though it is a show I can watch like a million times over
And laugh just as hard each time

WHERE’S MY CHIPPY?? … chipchipchipchipchip…. Theres my chippy..

And I am still dissapointed
That I didn’t lose as I was gone
Because I thought it would be so easy
But no
I cant do it anymore

Usually plane food is nasty but today they had mini bagel chips.
I ate mine and my dads because I was sooo hungry.

Im still trying to be okay with it