I keep careening back and forth in decisions..
.. I think i can make it happen here..
... what am i ever going to do for fun here?... can i actually make friends with the people here? Every time I say hello to a passerby they barely acknowledge me. The tourists do. I can hit it up with the tourists.. but as far as locals.. no response-positive or negative..
.. but once things start kicking.. i will be busy... right? too busy to do too much.. working at the coffee shop place from 6:30-1 and then the Convalescent Center from 2-10.. see.. no time! busy busy busy! doing doing doing!
right?

or move off to seattle.. which PART of me wants.. but I do think i would miss him.. a lot.. he is my world.. and each other is all we have pretty much

We went out with 2 older ladies last night.. he gave them his phone number when he was out on one trip.. they were looking for some fun and singled him out as someone that would be fun to hang out with.. he is known for older ladies being attracted to him.. so you can imagine how excited i was to go.. ESPECIALLY since he didnt even mention that I was coming..
it turned out to be quite a night..
they bought dinner and shared it with all of us
I realize i do LOVE Salmon :)
and drinks.. and we talked.. and they had been traveling in Europe together for the past 2 months.. and then drove up from Southern California up to Alaska,, but got stopped at the border because supposedly one of the ladies had a DUI from 7 years ago... and charges like that had to be 10 years ago...
Anyway.. we ended up at the local bar.. where he played pool straight from 8pm to 10:30.. and I sat.. stood.. bored.. while the 2 ladies occasionally coming to chat for a few spare minutes between chattin up the men.. I laid my head on my hands for awhile because i was bored.. sad.. lonely.. some guy came up to me and started talking.. "I just couldn't stand to see a pretty girl like you look so sad." etc etc. he wasn't drunk either.. I only had one drink.. back at 8.. but i wanted to drink sooo bad,.. but i knew i had to drive him back.. he was having the time of his life.. and came up to the other dude and i when we were talking-slung his arm around me and introduced himself as my bf.. the guy left quite soon after and didnt say another word.. no one else talked.. i was too sad to talk to anyone..
taking a quick break from pool/going outside he came to me and handed me a $5 asking me to get him one last drink.. so i tried.. and the bartender said that since i had put my head on the counter he couldnt serve me.. even though I hadn't even had a drink at that bar (I had the drink at the dinner place)
Of course.. i started crying right then and there..

but i love reading. I have a book on Janis Joplin.. and a book on the history of Haight-Ashbury.. but it is quite triggering.. because i want so bad to be there.. to do what they do.. etc. ohhh to clear my mind from my brain..