Still not happy
nope
still not better
nope

but i think i found a solution
its petty
its stupid
and i have no real way of getting it
but i want it

BESIDES THAT
i got to hookah today.. and wander antique shops.. and research my solution
it was nice to have someone here with me
His cousin came by for the day
waiting for His sister to come pick him up to take him to Wilmington

is it so hard to find someone who has values?
who thinks its weird that when i was picked up at the airport He was messed and asking me to drive and then making me drive him all these places for him to get stuff?
are there people there whose life extends BEYOND that.. and depending on that..

and i feel as though i cannot connect with people anymore
and that scares me
i try to talk to people
i try to be with them.. be okay.. want to let loose and have fun
but all i really want to do is go home
be alone
read
be okay with myself
and im NOT okay with myself
and i hate that feeling

i was hoping this job would be my escape route
my test to see if he could handle being without me or shaping up...
and now i dont have it

still no word
i keep making excuses for her
for why she didnt calll... "maybe today is her day off" ... "maybe she's waiting for the criminal background check to come in"..
etc.
but she said that the lady who used to have that position left LAST FRIDAY and she had been covering for her this past week and needed someone ASAP.
so
knowing that i am across the country.. and it would take me atleast 2 days to get to work (one to prepare/pack/go to where i am flying out) and one to fly
she would have called me asap
but she hasn't

and i need that job
or atleast need to know
He's talking about leaving soon.. and doesn't understand that if i do get hte job i will need to be there within a matter of days.
I wouldnt be able to drive
and i cant take him to my parents in the state that hes been in
my parents already suspect

but i did get to go to work last night
made a good soloid $50 after i handed over my $90 paycheck to Him before I left.
its frustrating when everything I make goes to him
for things I wouldn't ever do
though lately have been tempted.. just to feel comfortably numb
but he still wont let me
and i know he does love me
and sometimes in the morning or late at night he mumbles a song to me.. a sort of sleepy serenade..
and everytime i come home he holds me.. not just a hug.. but more than that

anyway
he knows this.. but if things dont get better.. if i dont see that he is trying.. i am going home. to mom and dad.
and when i told him that we needed to stop by my parents for a couple nights before we DID head out
"What are we going to do all day?" "Why 2 nights?"
Because
1. I miss my parents
2. I wont see them again for at least the summer if not more
3. We have been hanging out at his parents house for the past many months with no plans... nothing to do...
4. etc
I want my daddy
and he immediately went back on his word "Im sorry.. we can spend 4 nights there" but i know it was just to pacify me.. to stop the tears.

and everyday i do wake up with a hole.. a dread.. knowing that there are no plans.. that i have to find things to do.. to entertain myself.. or him..