I did have a good day today.. for the most part.. .
we (my randparents and Sofia and I) went to the Childrens museum... and for the first time in a long time i was able to lose myself in the fun.,. playing with the different exhibits and with her... not care.. let loose..
and then I kept coming back to my self consciousness...
attempted to take some pictures of me.. to prove to myself that I am NOT ugly.. that i am NOT fat/big/awkward.. etc.
but
alas
none of them really turned out.. and my grandpa cant really take pictures anyway so the ones that he took ended up blurry.
Yet
i was proud
I never called JP .
only once when I first woke up.. and then just now when I got back.. at around 7. so 11 hours.
aNd of course.. i brought up the fact that I wanted to fly back to him
there was no way that I could fly out the 4th because my aunt/uncle need me to babysit that night at least. and so I wouldnt be able to fly in until Tuesday because my uncle is very busy Monday and needs me then as well and he started freaking out because he still wants me to fly in on the 4th..
and finally he said the one word i HATE,
"WhateveR"
and then I started crying because
as I tried to explain to him,
when he says "whatever,"
it makes me feel as though he is disregarding what I am saying.. that he is giving up on me.. kind of like a "what the F***" kinda thing.. exasperated
and i explained to him all of that
and that what I DID need from him is acknowledgment.. acceptance, anything BUT "(sigh)...whatever..(sigh)" because that MAKES ME FEEL LIKE SH*****

but
one more looong day
and then school starts
and the routine starts again
and I get to take her to school.. go to MY 2nd graders.. then pick her up.. play... feed her, bathe her, put her to sleep, etc.

which is not so bad,
but
i still need
crave
people my age.. talking.. communication..connection.. etc.
someday...