well
i couldnt sleep last night at all
waiting for him to come back
worried sick that he was driving out there.. most likely high or hyped up on something or the other
he made it back at 2:30 or so.. i heard noises and he shut himself in the bathroom
heard something fall down and then silence
i was so scared
scared to open the door and see him passed out or worse
scared to go to sleep without him
needing him near me
sooo i sat down next to the door.. knocking softly every once in awhile until he finally heard me
and crawled out

but i realize
and i knew
and i know
its not HIM that made me so upset
it was the Xanax he took
he is not HIM when he takes those
hes become possessed.. intent on doing something... regardless

i ate for the first time.. real food.. and then felt like shit because i felt as though i lost control
ate
eat
so salty.. crispy.. Tortilla chips with a hint of lime and french onion dip
probably not the best idea. .emotionally.. for the first food
beacuse i have it locked in my head
about chips and dip..

and the car is on E
and i work tonight
and am soo drained.. emotionally and physically..

but still chuggin along..