Playlist for the moment..

Garth Brooks.. "Wrapped Up In You"
..slow to begin (not until 1:42 into the song actually) .. but once it gets started its a catchy song.. I found it on a cd I made LONG ago.. back in Newfoundland.. and it makes me smile :)

Brad Paisley .. "Letter to Me"
makes me wish i could write a letter to myself... looking back i realized how much of my teenagehood was missed.. was ripped apart.. was lost.. due to my stupid ED... even my college years.. gone.. missed.. hiding away.. I DO NOT WANT TO DO THAT ANYMORE!! ... its just how i cope with life when i get overwhelmed..scared..stressed...


Brad Paisley,. "Ticks"
vivid images in my head... wishing.. dreaming.. but know nothing will ever happen remotely close to this..
When i was in Newfoundland i remember i used to say that i was going to marry a cowboy.. HA! not going to happen..


Gavin Rossdale.. "The Trouble I'm In"
good song to cry to..


Edwin McCain.. "I'll Be (Acoustic)"
i swear to you.. this song... oh my heart..
one of my dreams in this life is to be serenaded..
"I'll be your crying shoulder,
I'll be love's suicide
I'll be better when I'm older,
I'll be the greatest fan of your life."

...im sorry... i seem to be leaning towards country music for some reason...

sleep it off..

Oh how i miss the good times from this summer...
For the first time .. ever really .. I felt wanted
I felt needed
I felt like i was fun
I felt like i was one of US.. part of a WE... not on the outside... not a THEM..
:)

Now i feel like crap.
I cant even get p the courage to talk to most of the apartments that i need to call in order to get one.. I end up hanging up if there is a male that picks up the phone.
Im sorry im rude
Im sorry im so scared
I just want to crawl under a blanket.. and sleep
sleep until i feel better about myself.. about my situation..
sleep until im prettier.. until i can think straight...
sleep until i am part of an US again.. until im part of a WE..
Sleep until i am ME again
sleep until i find my place in life
Sleep until i like myself again..

Unfortunately... that may take forever....


:(

I find myself wandering grocery stores again..
NOT a good sign..
i gaze at all the food around me... tempted to buy.. but knowing im going to binge.. so i dont buy anything and leave empty handed...
over and over..
that is how i have been wasting my days lately..
waiting.. wandering grocery stores.. my eyes light up in anticipated excitement.. eagerly knowing that i could SOOOOO easily down a whole bag of those crispy crunchy jalepeno chips... but denying myself that honor.. knowing that i would regret it.. that it would NOT be a good idea.. for my body or my mind..
And i wait..
wait for someone to reach out to me..
wait for someone to need me
wait for someone to want me
nothing..
not
a
thing

so here i sit.
amidst the ghosts from the summer.. i see the couch and can only picture that night.. when we were out on the porch drinkin.. laughing.. connecting.. goofing off..
so i sit.
all alone
at the camp
no one here,.. not a soul
and i wait.
and hide
and hope
and wish
and dream
and resign from this world
getting lost in a fitful sleep
only to wake up again with nothing different...