hmm..
broken down again
i keep getting my hopes up.. expectations high,.. ready for fun.. nad then something happens and it all crashes to the ground
or i mess it up unconscously
or i get distracted by some other opportunity.. thinking it might be a better way to go because it has better pay.. is more stable.. more directed toward kids..
(I got a call from Head Start.. interested.. I go to visit their school Monday to observe and see if it fits with what i want to do.. then comes hte interveiw.. then etc.)
so..
Head Start.
good pay... good credentials.. solid.. my own group of kids that come by every day.. helping out kids that otherwise wouldnt get the help they needed.. nurturing the kids that dont get that kind of love at home-because their parents arent able due to work-NOT that their parents dont want to...
but i am not good at disciplining children.. though i have gotten better at ChildWatch at YMCA.,, i get nervous when there is another adult there.. thinking they are watching-critiquing-noticing everything im doing wrong.. so much structure.. so much responsibility
... i think i can do it.. i know ican... its only 6-3 or 7:30-4:30d.. $9.50-$11/hour.. 10 months out of the year.. pay for further education
the more i think about it.. it sounds like the smarter route to go

but i will miss the studio so much if i do go that route
the busy days when people come in and i get to sit and chat and mingle and inspire and help create..
and Carina has been sooo sooo good to me
i am not giving up hope yet.
i am just scared that i cant live off of what i will make at the studio.. and no time off to rock climb.. play.. etc.
but i will be kept busy which is what i love.. and i will get to be creative.. talk to all kinds of people from all walks of life and all marks of the totem pole.

then i wonder
if i made a mistake coming here
JP left today after being here a week (?) i think
(to check in on the family.. to avoid having to mooch off of me.. to make some money.. etc.)
and i was all off kilter all day
eating eating eating getting sick
calling my mom and dad for a good 2 hours
crying when i thought of having to wait 4 months when he finally does leave in December

and then i think of Christmas and how i wont get to go to seattle to visit my family (most likely)
and Thanksgiving when i wont have time off to go home beacuse my parents are taking a week long trip to visit my little brother up in New York
and i cant get ahold of anyone i know in Asheville to pass the time this weekend when i actually DO have time off.

i need to learn patience
not to rush things
to enjoy
i dont need to eat all of the cCapn Crunch tonight.. it will still be there tomorrow and taste JUST as good (or even better since after the 1st bowl it is more of a uncontrollable punishment;/gluttonous thing or so it seems)

"Everythings gonna to be alright~Everythings goinna be alright~Everythings gonna be alright~everythings gonna be alright~.."


"Emancipate yourselves from mental slavery~None but ourselves can free our minds."

"Don't worry about a thing,-'Cause every little thing is gonna be all right!"

......No wonder they call Bob Marley a legend...