Yea. Those 2 days in the classroom were absolutely wonderful!!
The teacher, she let me teach!! She let me grade papers!! I connected with the kids!! It was WONDERFUL!
and then I went to pick up the little one and she fell asleep on the way home
and then the loneliness came again
creeping ever so slowly
encroaching on every thought
deepening, wrapping its tentacles on every thought...
and then weekend came...

and Sunday I went to San Francisco to visit an old friend, who told me what everyone else has been telling me about JP. Pretty much to move on. To get out. To find someone new.
That is part of the reason why I AM out here.. to distance myself...
but I cant enjoy myself out here.
I dont know anyone.
only hte 5 year old girl and my aunt/uncle.
and now the classroom of 2nd graders... which do WONDERS for my soul.. but the goodness.. the happy.. the purity does not last long at all..

When I go to school in Augusta, I will be forced to stay in one place for at least a year... attending classes... getting a job...
Maybe then I will find someone who will show me the way...
Or atleast a friend.. a girl friend to have girls nights with.
Its been forever since I have been able to do something like that.. high school actually.. because college was littered and tainted with the eating disorder which disabled me from any sort of social interactions .

I have been texting a couple different people frequently lately.. one in New Orleans, one in Las Vegas,.. who are very supportive of me.. we keep talking about meeting up at one point..
but even if we did, would I be able to go thought with it? Would I chicken out?
Im NOT talking about sleeping/x or anything like that... simply GOING OUT or MEETING them.. SOOOO intimidating to me...
Even this friend on Sunday.... I was soo nervous..
I used to be so good with people..
now i get mini anxiety attacks
even going in the mall

I frequently send out little pleas for help via text.. asking for something to make me smile.. is that wrong? Is that bad?
Is that SAD?
Yes
I should be able to live my life.
I should be able to DO this.
I USED to
why can't I anymore?
mirrors are too much.

Today I broke down into tears atleast 14 times. I stopped counting. my eyes hurt but i still cant sleep.

Why can't I function anymore...

I am finally getting over the eating too much thing :)
Now I can feel that hunger in my tummy again
that comforting feeling
I do like it
i do
and its good that I am in NOT my own house and so far from the kitchen...
thats my new solution.
go to bed early
and
therefore
no more food for the night
and when I take her to school, take an apple and/or some carrots wiht me and dont go home until I take the girl home... and im too scared to eat anything in this house anymore because they make such a big deall when somethings missing or gone or messed with.
simple
or, as the little one says,
easy peasy lemon squeezy...