do i want that?
Do i want to struggle with that all day long? Those images playing in my head. berating me for even thinking of eating? you are your own worst enemy.. harshest critic.. those mirror image pictures are true too I dont see myself as others see me. I see a big lump. A log. i feel free when i feel nothing. Feeling hurts. hunger.. sadness.. lonely.. thats why I lose myself in the world of eating and not eating. It is so easy to cry over trivial things than the deeper ones.
Kyles birthday is late August. He would be 26. what would he be doing? He was such so strong. Physically and emotionally. He was very confused growing up.. showing that he didnt care about anything or anyone... he hurt me. a lot. and his effects have trickled down to even today. I flinch when people move their arms fast near me.. Different ways people say things.. different words.. looks.. the incredulousness.. the hate..
and that video makes me want to be that way again. thin. sleek. tiny. likely to be blown away by the wind. I liked it when people were concerned about me. I liked it when people would talk to me.. even if it was just to ask how i was... to be concerned enough to say i looked to skinny.. or that its okay to eat.. or that i can afford this or that..
i dont get concern anymore. No one forces me to eat because they think i will die soon if i dont.
growing up i was the "perfect" little thing.. always doing right. good grades. rave reviews from families, friends, teachers, etc. people wanting me here or there. i didnt have tantrums. I gave my stuff away to people. I was my moms rock. my dads little princess. no one was concerned about me. I wasnt popular in school by any means. I was invisible. They didnt even make fun of me.. atleast not to my face. but to this day (as with everyone i suppose) any little snicker near me, whispering, looking at me.. takes me back-mostly to Stephenville though where I played dumb the whole time... pretending not to care when really i was tired of being the odd one out.. tired of this.. tired of that.. drained cuz i could never be better. never compare. never come close to anyone.
so i made my own decisions. i didnt deserve this.. or that.. or a whole cookie-only the chocolate chips. i had to start walking or doing to earn my food. etc. and on and on
weird little rules. odd rituals. strange habits.
i loved running my hands over my tummy. granted it still wasn't flat even at 63 lbs because of the scar from the liver transplant. there was always a soft roundnss under my breasts.. coming down to a canyon where the scar was just below the belly button nad then softness again below.. the concave like sunkenss below the hips.. the feel of the ribs jutting out.. the way my tailbone hurt after sitting for a bit because there was no cushion.
ridiculous as it sounds, those things comforted me.
to this day i still do not even know what i actually looked like back then. at my worst.. almost worst. etc. going into treatment 3 times. To me i still looked normal (on good days) and nearing heavy (on bad days). though i still recall the looks people would give me. the whispers.. hearing the "---xic" that sound.. even if i didnt hear the whole word, the "xic" sound gave it away. I was flooded with a mix of guilt, shame, embarrassment... and... pride..
but i never cried over boys. never cried over loneliness much.
never had real friends. never had boys boyfriends. never partied. never drank. never had those "college years"

all my fun started last year.. or whenever it was Kyle died.
so i still feel lost. when people talk about their college years. their high school scheming. their lovers. their first kiss.
i never had that
i had ED.. my ED..from 16-22.
and i still cant allow myslef to fully live.

every picture. ever ad. every person. i cant get out of that race. that battle. where i never win.
i see it in my upper arms. when my thighs brush each other. whenever i look in the mirror. whenever i wear a tight shirt and see that indent. whenever i am faced with a decision that has to do with food. whenever there is leftover food. toilets. people saying they havent eaten. putting my arms around myself. other people putting their arms around me. or even touching/poking me. whenever i look down. whenever i try on clothes. bagels. poptarts. Ensure. measuring tapes. scales. talking about weight. talking about fat. talking about calories. mentioning Salt Lake City or New Orleans. talking about high school or college fun. anyone smaller than me. anyone eating in a rush.. or pushing food around their plate. certain songs. names. belts. seeing a bony person.
all that
and much more bring me back. some more than others. some hit harder than others. some paralyze me to where i just want to hide away and cry. some make me want to not eat. vow to finish the day without anything more (which i usually come to my senses soon thereafter). some make me want to eat everything. some make me want to get lost in the woods-get away from all kinds of everyone.

anyway
blah blah blah