for the icing on the cake
he left me for the night
to drive with his cousin
to get some :stuff:
and with $60 of my hard earned money
and my car
and my heart

i was crying
shuddering
shivering
feeling like shit when he left
emotionally.. physically.. everything
torn up
torn open
undone
neglected

but as i said..
i dont want to hold him back from living his life
i dont want to make decisions for him
if he wants to go
i will let him go
I wont go
i dont want to sit in the car 2 hours with 2 guys that are out of theirs heads on Xanax

and i couldnt sleep last night
thinking
of all i have given up for him
how much time, money, emotion.,.. everything i have invested
how distant he seems to me now
how soooo many people at work (customers and co-workers) compliment me on how pretty.. friendly.. happy.. exciting.. unique.. how i have this bubble of energy.. how i have this vividness.. this aura
and yet
my spirit is still smothered
but yet
when i am away from him i have this YEARNING
this LONGING
and i feel so comforted in his arms
but
lately
it seems hes drifting further and further
or maybe i am
i dont know
and i hurt
because if i DO leave him
where would i go?
what would i do?
I have no summer job lined up except in the San Juans..
Im past the date for the teaching in Thailand
I have no school.

and im tired of crying
and walking and reading to pass the time

guys flirt
older men.. and men my age..
asking me what i do during the day.. what i do for fun..
and i realize i am stumped at that question..
so i make up some fun life
I call him my :friend:
but when i came to work with a hickey they realized that he wasnt just a friend
which furthered questions and whatnot
and one particular guy saying things..
"thats not right.. a mans supposed to support.. a mans supposed to romance.."
blah blah blah

and im so confused
and lost
and sad
and stuck