..
and its failing..

Today is a new day.
soon to be a new year i suppose.
and here i am
still alone
but atleast i am OUT
well.. its only across the street at a coffee shop...
but still .

I am at this point where I sway back and forth quite rapidly.. extremely..

1. I am big.. I need to exercise.. get rid of it all.. thats how i can pass the time.. focus on something that will gain me results.. just stay in my own little safe wold.. where I am out and about.. working or walking until around 5:30 or 6.. come home.. pop in a dance video and attempt to follow them in my clumsiness (falling behind/down too many times to count) or some sort of work out video for a good 40-60 minutes.. then heat up the ramen noodles.. dump out most of all the noodles.. eat/drink the broth.. read until 7:30 or 8.. crawl under the covers.. watch a movie.. fall asleep
over and over.. no threat to my eating.. no threat of being rejected or unwanted or fat or sloozy or whatnot

2. WHAT aM i thinking? you only live once? GO OUT to the bar tonight.. its new years.. at least order a drink if you are too scared to order a real meal.. see what happens.. at least you can say you didnt stay in all night.. At least you attempted.. not that just sitting there is going to get you anywhere.. suck it up.. chat with people.. it has never not worked before.. I AM GOOD AT MEETING PEOPLE.. just not CATCHING them.. just not following through.. if they seem friendly-INVITE them somewhere for further chat.,, stop wearing those same old warm safe clothes.. put on those new jeans.. that new shirt.. rock their world.. you know you can.. you have a job starting next week- Training for 3 weeks and starting the 25th you will have your own classroom of 8 kids.. they trust you. they respect you.. they believe in you.. you are going to do home visits.. advocate for those children.. etc.

now my finds are tight.. i am used to having that $5,000 CD account to fall back on.. but it isnt there anymore.. so if i run out its NOTHING. after i pay rent come next week i am down to $1,000... but THEN AGAIN.. I will be making 9.50 an hour for training (3 weeks.. 8 hours a day.. 5 days a week) and then the 25th i will be making 10.25 an hour when i become the officail teacher and my kids come to me.

its all rather overwhelming.. the trust.. the everything.. since i am the first one they picked.. and i met my boss today and we had good laughs. .i get to help at least SET UP the classroom since she has already bought hte supplies. I want a bubble machine.
there are so many licensing regulations. .rules.. restrictions.. procedures..
but i am keeping optimistic..
went to the library and checked out many books.

now im sitting here in the coffee shop.. lounging on the comfy couch.. hoping someone interesting will come through for me to pull next to me to chat..
i dont want to do nothing anymore.. ESPECIALLY on New Years Eve

I was going to babysit for this family that i gave my number to from the YMCA. 2 days ago they were still considering.. yesterday i never got to talk to them because when they came to drop off their sons AND when they picked them up I was busy reading stories to a gaggle of children and wasn't able to free myself in time to ask.

but i want life to happen again.
REAL bad
i just dont know where to find it.
i used to be so good with people

And I am so scared of being away from JP for so long.. last time i was gone from someone i loved (Kevin) things fell apart.. i need to be near.. i need to feel.. to touch. to hug.. to be assured.. to have fun with..
I was going to buy him a plane ticket to come up and visit next week. but he seems hesitant.. due to $$.. i cant really spare the $300 to fly him back here.. I suppose i can.. but do i want to?
I have helped him out soo much financially in the past.. cant he make an effort to spend a little money to make me happy? if he has to hesitate.. to think.. to pause.. then its not worth it. . . i guess. . .

and i wonder when i walk by the hairdresser.. if when they see some slop walk by (me.. probably) do they cringe and think of all the different things they could do with that person.. or all of the things that are wrong with that person?

and now some little kid sat next to me and started chatting..

here we goo..

maybe he has a daddy...