Sometimes
I can sit here for hours
youtube-ing video after video... song after song... thinking.. dreaming.. wishing..
most importantly
not being HERE
but being somewhere out there...









and now
i feel like shit again
because i see the reflection

I need you to know I'm not through the night.. some days im still fighting to walk towards the light..

and how
HOW
do i ask for help if I dont know what needs fixed.

and i will never be able to look that way again
i used to be able to
I dont understand. I HONESTLY HAVENT BEEN EATING. a bite here.. the very very outside of an apple here. some carrots. grapes. but im still fking disgusting

the thing that is keeping me going now is i have a text buddy :) its like i do have a friend with me all the time. but i feel safe because he cant see me. so I know i won't be rejected.. that he wont find me repulsive.. and thats why we still text off and on and on throughout the day.

and my life is not horrible. i KNOW that. I have people that care.. I have a future.. I just have no one with me. I AM with family, yes. but I feel so unwelcome... so helpless. so awkward.. so out of place.. everywhere I go..

and i do wish
i doooo wish i could go to sleep
sleep until its all over
until I feel pretty again. until i can accept myself. until i can
STOP
THINKING SO MUCH