Why do i feel so disconnected?
Why do i get bad vibes from everyone on the island?
Why wont JP be hungry so i can actually COOK for him rather than him live off bagels with cream cheese and chips?
Why do i feel so lost?
Why do i feel so uncomfortable around certain people.. when i KNOW they have a gf and/or they KNOW i have a bf?
Why cant i let things go?
and on and on

Ok/
So i finally let myslef go
not LET MYSELF GO
but let myself go out with people.
well
i didnt really have a choice.. i worked from 5:30-5... and throughout the day various people came in and they asked me what my plans were for the night.. i invited them to call me
ONE came through.
he works for the ferries.. tells people where to go in the ferry lines and whatnot and just got his new Volkswagon Bus and wanted to take me for a ride. I told him what time i was going to get off work, and there he was. Waiting, with his 2 year old son, 10 month old daughter and a friend from off island.
it was rather odd.. i felt as though they were TOO friendly.. asking so many questions.. and Jared leaving me alone with the other guy so he could go smoke. Though i was under the influence, which may have affected my paranoidness, but i felt as though he were interviewing me.. coming on to me.. kind of thing.. BOTH of them constantly assuring me they were glad i was there or glad that i stayed for dinner etc.
I escaped.. feeling unsatisfied and wanting to go back to the comfort of my own little place.
Earlier, i had left my phone at work in the midst of rushing to finish so i wouldn't keep Jared waiting. (which added to my anxiety about hte situation due to the fact i DID NOT HAVE MY PHONE and for some reason it was my lifeline.. even though no one ever calls me.. JUST IN cASE this was the one night someone would call..)

I was at the grocery store and saw Captain Jacks friend, asked her to call him so if he was in town he could open the doors for me so i could get my phone.
He came. his eyes ablaze, a huge grin on his face.. an odd sort of grin.. a eerie sort of grin.
"mannn i am soo f**ed up on E right now" he nearly shouted. DANGER signs flashed in my head. He was quite reassuring, trying to be kind, trying trying to get me to go back with him to do some with him.. "You dont trust me?" ... "do you not feel safe around me?" "I will take care of you." "I wont let anything happen to you."
I ended up following him to this one house where there were 2 others who were just as far gone, if not more, than him.
I introduced.. dallied a bit.. chatted.. for like aminute and then made up some excuse about how i had to shower and get to sleep so i could work int he morning (WHICH WAS TRUE) and that i had just bought meat and cheese that needed to go back to the fridge (ALSO TRUE.. i am going to cook for JP)
anyway
he followed me..
intent on following me all the way home, despite my protests and assurances that i was fine
I got nervous.. scared.. how was i going to get out of this.. i dont want him following me home.. I know i cant fight him off.. etc etc.
we saw some people we work with across the street.. seeing an opportunity, i steered us over to them and as soon as he was engaged with htem i BOLTED.. weaved between houses and finally went on my way home...
...
I miss JP.
..
everyone i met here.. SO MUCH into drugs.. of all kinds.. it makes me feel uncomfortable.. drugs.. and teetering on sexual innuendos.. lots of cheating.. heavy flirting and beyond. quite heinous. It scares me and makes me kind of want to stay home and be safe.