I think
what i really want
more than anything
is for someone to want me

to SHOW that they want me..
to DO things for me.. to ASK me to stay with them.. to PROVE that i am worth something to them

i KNOW thats what i want
im tired of people.. "well.. whatever you want" or "I dont care"
I want "no, i DO want you to stay"
or.. "I need you"
to get to know me
not just to sleep with me
but to be with ME
and if it leads to sleeping.. then so be it..

somewhere over the rainbow..

All the mirrors in my place (theres only one actually) are turned around.. facing down or away.. I cant stand them anymore. I dont want to see.
I hate pictures of me too.. I look at them sometimes and cringe.. Is that really me? Is that what I really look like?
I need to stop eating.
Not like I used to.. but just tone it down... I really hate the way i look. I do. I am ashamed.

the kids leave today.. the ones I used to work with.. I was never able to go back to say goodbye.. I wrote them each notes.. I spent soo long collaging the outside of each with pictures that reminded me of them.. AND they were confiscated before Zack gave them to the kids.. now i fear they hate me.. lost faith in me.. think i hate them...
I cried to JP last night.. its all coming to an end.. he and all of the rest of the Talisman family are going to a party.. to celebrate the end.. I cried.. I am never going to be part of that family again.. I LIVED for Talisman.. SOO many good memories.. it brought out the best in me... helped me grow... get over things i needed to... Soo many freinds.. soo many memories..
Im not even invited.. Zack is moving out and Baily is moving in (January)
Baily is the one who got me fired
Which makes it even more urgent for me to leave
Which means i have to leave all of this behind

my job.. Carina-my boss who nearly cried when i told her i was leaving.. Orlando-her adorable 17 month old son who i love to play with and apparently i am one of the only ones he is affectionate towards... Harayz-making me do things i would normally never do... JP-being there for me when i needed it and more... Starr-I have to tell my landlord im leaving-but im scared i wont even leave... the beauty all around me.. the potential that is still out there...

Either way..
im pretty much fucked
im terrified.. petrified to move away... but i dont want to stay because i know it is not going to be the same..

I just really really dont want to be forgotten
i really dont want to be used anymore
I want more
yet
i HATE the fact that i want so much..

finding myself? or losing touch?

okay.. Not that anyone reads this.. but still i want to update it..
:)

Tuesday morning my freind messaged me, asking me if i wanted to go to Nashville with him.. for the night.. with promises of getting me back by work on Wednesday at noon...
Sooo many thoughts flooded my head.
It was an automatic "no"
why would i do something dramatic.. scary.. random.. with someone I barely knew.. for just one night.. ?
Yet.. by 2 I was in the car.. on the way to Nashville.
I squashed all my fears and just WENT. I need to stop being so intimidated.. stop living in my comfort zone..
Apparantly, Harayz had a 62 year old buddy that needed to get back to Nashville.. he was in Asheville visiting his daughter.. So Harayz accepted the invite for the free ride to Nashville.
This man.. wow.. firecracker.. old hippie.. It was surreal.. they were drinking Hot Toddy in the car.. they smoked a bowl or two in the car on the highway.. jamming to Grateful Dead.. listening to stories of his wild adventures..
Harayz and him (and another person or two i think) bought a bus at the begining of last summer.. they had met at Bonnoro in 2006 and had been freinds ever since.. ANYWAY.. with this bus, they knocked out seats.. put in beds and a bar and bathroom and all that jazz and recruited people to ride with them from New York City to San Francisco.... Called The Last Great American Road Trip
Captivating.. inspiring.. I WANT TO DO IT
He also told me of how he was a cab driver and one time he had this retired lawyer in the back of his cab.. drunk.. his flight left in 4 hours and there were no bars open.. so Bubbie took this man and his friend home to his house, fed them booze and the retired man offered Bubbie a ride to Ireland and free stay with him as long as Bubbie drove them everywhere.. this dude wanted to travel but wanted to stay drunk..
Why not"?
I commented on how I wanted to travel.. but didnt have the money..
No opportunities like that ever come to me.. I DO keep my eyes open
If there was someone who was lonely.. would pay for my expenses to travel with them.. it is soo on.. Though.. I would need to meet them and be sure i feel comfortable .. I am WELL aware of potential possibilities..

Harayz and I went to this bar.. live music.. i felt the energy flow through me.. It was amazing.. the band wasnt all that amazing.. but the live music.. feeling the vibrations.. wanting so badly to feel that rush of being on stage.. lights focused-bright and blinding.. music all around you.. every touch of your hand sends out more tones and vibrations.. ohh man..

We made it back in time for work

but i was left wondering even more... WHAT am I doing with my life?
Am I finding myself? Is this who i am? Can I pick up and travel like I soooooooooo soo want to? Can I float round from place to place.. person to person.. not make any permanent connections...
but then again..
what am i doing here? $7 an hour job.. the person that keeps me going continues to fuck with my mind-whether he means to or not- AND he leaves Saturday and I wont see him till January 10th and who knows if I will even still be here!
I DO have job potentials in Portland.. Seattle..
but most of all
i do
i do want to just pick up
find someone to travel with
or a couple people
travel.. experience the world.. meet all kinds of people... make things happen..