song for the moment..

Counting Crows, "Anna Begins"

Such an addicting song.. I cannot NOT listen to it whenever i turn on my music. and all day today ive been singing it in my head.. its a combination of the DRUMS.. the VOICE.. the "Anna begins.. " and "..I am not worried, I am not overly concerned.."

I did get a call today from the man who was looking to hire me to teach in Taiwan... unfortunately i was nowhere i heard the phone when he called so he just left a message..

I got another call from ArtSpace Charter school here in Asheville. I had applied there in hopes that there would be a job opening. At first there wasn't and they offered me volunteering. I hadn't gotten around to calling them and figuring out what that would require and what I would get to do
Instead i got the call from them saying they were looking for an after school assistant.. I think thats what she said.. I was a little shocked so I wasn't 100% paying attention to what she said after she said she was from ArtSpace Charter School.

I spent the majority of the day sitting upside down on the futon blasting the music.. in my own world.. lost in my thoughts.. thinking way too hard.. not wanting to believe what is really true..
I somewhat confronted him about it the other day.. saying i was scared that he didn't want ME... but i was just convenient.. he said he didn't want anything right now.. I sank back.. my bubble burst.. thats why i was so scared to say anything.. i knew it but didnt want to believe it.. yep.. thats right.. figured.. Yet.. i still cant bring myself to be mad at him... im a cry-er not a fighter..

On another note, the underlying fear all my life.. the liver transplant and its potential rejection.
EVERY SINGLE time i get some sort of odd/sick/icky feeling in my tummy area, the FIRST thing that flashes in my head is that my liver is rejecting me.. that I will need a new liver transplant. It usually doesnt haunt me that much.. but it is always constantly there.
Nowadays the fear is more eminent.. in terms of the things that I am doing that I probably shouldn't.. that i dont need... but feel like i need to feel.. to feel happy..
it will go away just like any other tummyache, right?>

time needs to stop dragging..

it a simple question..
do you like me or no
do you want me or no

im bad with getting caught up in things, thinking they are real.. wanting soo badly for things to be right.. for things to be the way i wish they could be...

nope

still no job prospects..
though I am getting a nice correspondence going with a man who is in charge of settling teachers in to teach English in Taiwan... intriguing.. fleeing the country for awhile
though i am TERRIFIED of being alone out there..

No replies from the preschools in the area
no new open positions to apply to

And its nearing Christmastime.. going home to relatives who were soo proud of me.. and will be asking me about the job i was soo excited about..
and i will have to tell them
Nope.. not anymore...
Well.. what am i doing?
Nothing.
sleeping. crying. reading. applying to jobs. drinking. dreaming. regretting. working $6/hour at a paint your own pottery studio.
essentially..
nothing



i didn't plan on being a failure