im going to be okay..(AND SONG FOR THE MOMENT)

im going to be okay. Im going to be okay. Im going to be okay. im going to be okay. Im going to be okay. Im going to be okay. im going to be okay. Im going to be okay. Im going to be okay.
I am going to find a place to stay
I am going to get rid of (and over) him
I am going to make new friends
I am going to GET OUT and LIVE
I am going to get a job
im going to be okay. Im going to be okay. Im going to be okay. im going to be okay. Im going to be okay. Im going to be okay. im going to be okay. Im going to be okay. Im going to be okay.
It is weird though.. I wake up sometimes and expect someone to be next to me.. but nope. its always empty. SUCH a deeply lost lonley feeling.. it hits me hard.. reality i suppose. So alone.
big
empty
bed
so i roll over, get myself together and turn the music up louder to drown it all out

I know i can do this..
its not really that people dont like me.. one of my friends, Nick, who is learning to blow glass, he made me a big glass bead with a pretty flower in the middle, made it into a necklace and gave it to me.. the other guy last night was flirty, though i think it was the beer talking.. the 2 guys i met on the street, Brandon and Jonathan, I still keep contact with, they still come over, they still ask to come over more.. my couchsurfing friends-i keep trying to make plans to go out and meet them..


Red Hot Chili Peppers, "Tell Me Baby:
(Song for the moment...).. LOVE the chorus.. "tell me baby~Whats your story~where come from and where you wanna go\ this time round"... mmm LOVIN it~ !

so
its not that people dont like me
its just that i am scared.. i guess scared to get close to people.. i dont want my world rocked like that again.. it hurts so much, but i need it so bad..
I need to get over the fear of falling before i can soar

Oh..
and tonight is the first night that i can remember that i didnt drink..
it is strange.. i was thinking about it today...
i cant remember the last time i didnt have either a glass or wine (or half a bottle) or pour a little pineapple rum/peach vodka in my diet mt dew...
NOT a good sign..
i dont want to be addicted or dependent.. It is just such a freeing sensation..
i also have the growing urge.. yearning...need for the lovely pakalolo.. :/