Too long.. too long..
our internet that we were mooching off of disappeared... so i am estranged from anything and everything out there now.. especially when he is gone.
and i still let the image I see.. either in the mirror.. when i look down.. the feel of my arms.. the feel of my thighs brushing..
ruin
rule
dictate
my day
my mood
my eating

And i wonder sometimes if he is with me out of convenience and availability or out of LOVE
and im too scared to DO anything about it
I do talk to more people about things
the 2 guys JP and I hang out with... are so nice to me.,, include me.. visit me at work..
last night we went to eat... where JP declared he hadnt eaten or had any drink on his 2 day kayak trip except for like 5 ravioli, a cup of lemonade and a cup of fruit punch
I WAS going to eat dinner with him (and Chris who was with us)
but once he said that
it burst
i went though all the crap i ate
looked down..
etc etc. etc. compared the energy he expended to what i did..
and i couldnt eat the pizza.. though Chris, once he found out that i dont really like pizza that much anyway except the crust, would slip his crust on my plate
and then we went to play pool.
I am better when we go to Herbs because there are a lot more poeple there.. people with character.. and its one room.. so you are force to see.. to look.. etc. you are on display.
Whereas at the other place, The China Pearl Lounge.. its in a dark upstairs joint the pool tables are in a semi-separate room from the other area which has foose ball and ping pong. but NO ONE Goes there
so i just meander around the pool table room.. sit on the couch.. text.. chitchat with James while JP goes on and does his thing
ANYWAY
after each of the 3 games they played i kept going up to JP saying, :Next time i want to play too. lets play cut throat"
never happened
he played against this old guy ina wheelchair.. who kept grappling my bum and getting soo close to my thigh.. JP laughed.. i did not know what to do! yes.. he was drunk.. yes he did not necessarily MEAN anything.. but wow did i feel uncomfortable.
then we went on a snowy adventure that relusted in me falling blissfully alseep at 2 :30 am nly to wake 2 hours later to work

work is ridiculous lately..
either super busy..
or super slow
i over-exert myself too... mop the floor (no one else does) sweep the floor (the rest just run the vacuum over it) etc. etc.
and then i walk home
and though i do and do and do
and exhaust myself beyond everything
and cut back on foodstuffs
i am no smaller
i feel no lighter
i am no happier

JP was really happy the other night though.
we went to the Pearl.
i was waiting for more people to show up so that i could entice someone in a game of Pingpong or Foose ball.. hinting to JP that i would love to join in aon a game of pool if he could..
but my freind from work, TJ called and had me come over to Herbs
QUITE the different scene there... crowded with drunks and crazies.. the other guy from my work was there drunkely falling off the bar stoool mumbling to me about things.. things he says at work all the time..
I played pool with a guy... i didnt really MEAN to.. i got sucked in.. But it was fun. I liked to hear the clanking of the balls. I was horrible
but i laughed
he kept putting his hands on my back.. leaning in to hear me talk.. getting close..
i wasnt sure if i liked it or not..
i left after that game, to go back to the Pearl, hoping for a hug or a smile or some sort of welcome from JP.
TJ followed me
as soon as we opened hte doors, i saw him playing a enlivened game of Ping Pong with some girl, a new guide for Crystal Seas.
it hurt.
he was so happy
he was laughing
he didnt even really acknowledge me.
i wasn't going to drink
buit after that i did.. and almost cried.. Chris knew something was up.. he knows-sees the frustrations i have.. he is somewhat more perceptive than JP is.. and sees the difference in energy levels.. and how i am left out.. he tires for me..
and to get me to smile again he agreed to play foose ball with me :)
later that night, after he agreed that we were going to leave he was making his rounds to say goodbye
and then i realized he was there on the couch with that girl all over him. He was smiling like a goon.
Needless to say
i was jelous, sad, upset, irritated,.,, but i cant be the jealous bitch to go up to them and do something about it.. until i got fed up.. wandered up and told him that i would meet him in the car and take a nap.. he could take his time..
he knew what i saw by the smile n his face.. the way he rubbed his chin.. pretending to contemplate

whatever
i need to... change? ...
in terms of not be such a crybaby.. not be such a spoil sport.. if i am left out of conversations.. DO something.. dont just sit there getting sadder and sadder
and when i come back from work, exhausted but ready to NOT lay down.. ready to DO.. to play.. to go out.. only to find him laying down... eyes closed.. sighing as though hes at the lowest point in his life.. or sitting up, back to me, curled over so his head is on his knees.
how can i be happy when he acts like that all the time?

TJ.. Chris.. James.. Carrie.. even Jack.. and Jay too.... have all been my saving graces.. they talk.. they include me.. make me feel appreciated.. fun.. like hte old me...
and then JP is
JP