TODAY
was a snow day
should be a happy day!
snow!
beauty!
snowflakes!
piling up!
time to make snow men.. snowball fights.. warming up with cocoa.. sledding..
but i have this way
lately
of making everything hard
I went to the YMCA for my job.. only to learn that the ChildWatch (child care) was closed.. since SCHOOLS were closed.. so the Y closed their child care..
so
i went back home
got antsy
called JP and started crying by the sound of his voice
he sounds so happy... so content.. so excited about his new job
and that is a good thing
and sometimes i am able to be excited for him
but
all i can think of is how far away he is.. and how long it will be until i see him.. and how much happier he seems now than when he was with me
(even though the reason why he wasnt content here is because he had nothing to do.. and was stressed about going to the Everglades because information was sketchy and he had no idea basically what he was getting into...)
so its obvious that he is going to be happier.. all that stress gone.. now that he knows what hes getting into.. he has a place (before his co-staff was saying stuff like "I think i might have got a place pinned down it may be around 300-600 a month.." etc. so we didnt know what exactly that meant..)
and he lives right on the main drag (which isnt saying much since it is Everglades city.. the size of a postage stamp) surrounded by palm trees.. and always goes on about how hott it is.. the animals.. the kayaking hes going to do.. etc.
and it makes me sad that i dont get to be with him when hes happy
and that im stuck back here in the cold working to get back the money that i spent on him (well.. for the past couple months it had been more for "us" than "him") so that if i DID want to leave.. i could afford it
Too much free time..
in fact i have this quote..

The only way to avoid being miserable is not to have enough leisure to wonder whether you are happy or not. - George Bernard Shaw

i had the whole day
and keep remembering how nice it was to have him to calm me down.. with him there it was "okay" for me to lay down and watch a movie during the day.. alone.. i dont deserve it.. i guess? .. i haven't earned the right to relax and lay down since i hadnt DONE anything yet...
So.. i trekked out in the snow.. went on a journey.. with shoes that were NOT AT ALL Adequate for snow.. and no jacket only a sweatshirt which got pretty soaked quite quickly..
i went to the ABC store.. browsed the aisles of liquer.. debating on if i should go for cheap, flavor, curiosity, nostalgia or random? i ended up somewhat splurging on a $19 bottle of Absolute PEach..
and then wandered by the thirft stores hoping one would be open so i could atleast buy tennis shoes or a coat.. none were open..
wandered to Harris Teeter for hot cocoa (and free samples)
then to Rite Aid for a back up reserve of cigarettes.. just in case i felt like i needed some quick head rush.. i guess..

then back home
to play Wii Fit..
to watch Candy
Candy
that movie.. reminds me so much of JP and I.. just the way they love each other.. need each other.. rely on each other.. except we are also QUITE different in many ways than those two.. but the point is, i related to it.. i cried.. for me.. for JP.. for the couple on the movie.. for my want to escape in a bad kind of way

then later on i went for a walk in the snow.. at night.. VERY cold.. and wet cuz i had no other shoes.. nor did i have another pair of pants (excpet for my flare jeans which would have gotten even more soaked than the ones that were already wet)
the snow is deep now
it has stopped falling for the most part.. and is at that eerie time of night.. the stillness.. pure white below.. grayish brownish black clouds form the ceiling.. and the town is deserted..

and now im back
and even tho its been a long, lonely day..
i havent opened the drink.. and only 1 cigarette-which i didnt even finish-and it was the "short" kind..

but i still have 2 more days.. Saturday and Sunday.. and my cars snowed in.. and besides that, the Anti Lock Brakes are on the verge of falling apart.. so i dont think i should drive much..
and im stuck
i did stop by the neighbors across the hall to drop off a couple donuts that i bought from the bakery in order to bribe people to come visit (didnt work) .. they are nice.. just chillin, watching Family Guy.. i kind of wanted to stay.. but the overbearing smell of cigarette smoke made me retreat quite quickly

and so tomorrow is another day of nothing
so i paint again
so i Wii again
so i read some
so i watch a movie (If i decide that i am "allowed")

I Want to just get over all of this
i dont know where i turned
i used to be so happy.. so care free
now .. everything seems so ....sooooo,.... hard.. so much work.. so out of reach..
and i keep eating to fill that void.. the sadness.. the loneliness.. the JP being gone.. the no friends.. food is a friend. it is there. it makes me feel good (at first at least) its pleasurable. it fills me up
but really
what i need/want to be filled up with is satisfaction with life.. filled up with friends.. filled up with LIFE..
.......