"I just want some one to say to me

I'll always be there when you wake"

i need to "upgrade"

Annnnnd i let him do it again tonight.. 2nd chance.. we didn't go to the concert.. just sat around like old times.. munching on delicious cheese bread.. He still doesn't understand why I left him in the stands last night.. though i told him.. he doesn't understand how pissed i was: getting there over an hour late-taking the pills-using up my green-falling asleep during the concert HE got me interested in cuz its supposedly his favorite band..
He got a call at 9:15.. i could tell he was tired-he had almost fallen asleep a little earlier.. he kept talking (on the phone) about how he had to go to work tomorrow at 9.. talking about hanging out.. my tummy sank yet again
At least this time HE wasn't driving up there, his friend was driving down to HIM,.. so.. I ditched him yet again..
ANd the thing that pisses me off most about all of this...
when i leave.. he doesn't come after me..
doesn't even make a move.. though sometimes he "Whats wrong with YOU?"...

i guess that should tell me something.. as it has before..

As my new friend says, I need to "upgrade"

PANIC!~! Widespread style..

Hmm..
So Widespread Panic, huh!?
A.M.A.Z.I.N.G. show..
though for me it came in intervals.. NOT because of the music ro the atmosphere but because of who i went with.
He didn't even get home from being at his parents until 8-when the concert was supposed to start.. and we still had to drive nearly 40 minutes.. and before we left he still had to "gather up a few things"
He took some pills.. used my green.... and i saw his eyes get droopy.. the funny feeling in my tummy grew bigger... this does NOT look good..
we got there around 9:15 or so.. went down to the floor where I jammed and he teetered between dancing and standing (swaying) with his eyes closed..
Set ended... he suggested we go up to the seats so we could see better.. He immediately crashed when we sat down.. I kept waking him.. even went to get him 2 Snickers (which actually was a happy little adventure for i got to be free from him and NOT sit down)...
Music started.. he never stood up.. the people around me were older so I couldn't even really enjoy myself.. talk to them.. But i was stuck in the middle of the row...
Ha~ I texted Emily and Erin.. because they know him and me and our situation.. and with their persuasion i did the thing i wanted to do all along..
I left him.. went down to the floor by myself.. and TOTALLY loved it~ :)
Such a freeing feeling.. out there on the floor.. lights splashing all around you... becoming one with the music and hte crowd.. though at times some of the guys around me creeped me out.. I actually MOVED a lot because different guys started trying to dance with me and i didn't like or want it.. Though i did meet a nice guy and ended up giving him a false phone number at the end
beautiful music~ ESPECIALLY When they popped out the Drums and started this fun and funky African Tribal Dance type beat.

So yea.. He needs to prove that he actually CareS.. and NOT by sticking his hand up my skirt.. he DID always reach for my hand when we maneuvered the crowd so i wouldn't get lost..
but he woke up just in time for the last song.. didn't even understand or get the point as to why i left him.. fell asleep in the car.. asked me to come over.. fell asleep within minutes of when i walked in the door.. sooo i walked RIght back out.. went to my own bed and SLEPT.
He wants me to get tickets for tomorrow because he felt bad that he slept through this one.. Part of me wants to.. so he can prove himself.. the other part wants me to NOT.. get tickets for myself.. find someone else to go with.. not put myself through that potential again..
ahh~

"GREAT FESTIVALS"

Okay;..
So when i went to the library the other day i picked p some random interesting reads.. plus a couple videos.. One of the videos:
Great Festivals
It goes through the year with different festivals from around the world.
Some.. I REALLY REALLY want to experience...
Others.. left me quite disturbed...
There was a section: Festivals of Penance
that left me cringing in unbelief.. shock..
WooooW... the things some people go through.. put themselves through.. WILLINGLY>>>

Gilget, PAkistan
Annual Ashura Festival
commemorate the death of Hussein.. his death marks the end of the holy blood line and 40 days of mourning ensues.. Among other things, the men expressed their grief and sadness of his death by attaching a small sharpened blade to a chain and whipping it back and forth until they are exhausted... VERY disturbing to watch.. even on video.. hundreds of men slashing themselves willingly.. bloody backs..

San Fernando, Philippines
Every year on Good Friday, the people of san Fernando re-enact the crucification of Jesus Christ.. with REAL people.. enduring pain as a form of penance.. they carry the cross all the way across town.. an excruciatingly slow and painful walk lasting to mid afternoon.. then the man is nailed to the cross.. and it is raised.. for 3 to 5 minutes.. 3 at a time.. so the huge crosses are raised and lowered many times throughout the afternoon to accommodate all that want to be crucified..

Kuala Lumpur, Malaysia
Thaipusam
This festival was banned in India, actually.. The devoted Hindus attach heavy metal frames to their bodies using hooks.. with that, they support and carry heavy structures, statues and kavatis (heavy frames elaborately decorated with beads and peacock feathers) around the city.. they use those huge needles to pierce all the way through their lips and chins.. they also bring offerings to the shrine, asking for a blessing..

Running of the Bulls---NoT for Penance necessarily.. but still made me crings and shudder.. i couldn't watch that little section.. im sure it is beautiful to those who participate.. the rush of being chased and trampled by bulls and other frantic people.. i dont know.. NOT for me...


Other.. more FUN ones.. the ones I WAnT to visit.. see.. experience..

Utah
Burning Man
What can be more fun than a weeklong gathering of over 40,000 people in the middle of the desert, in the middle of sand storms, intense heat, miles from any city to party hard and burn a giant neon lighted man structure.. Such a fun, radical place.. lots of self expression going on.. lots of wackiness.. whimsicalness.. bordering on creepy.. free expression and free spirits.. elaborate costumes.. lots of drugs.. bugs in ice being sold (nothing can technically be sold except ice and expresso...

Rio De Janeiro
CarnivaL
Need i elaborate? no holding back.. good times.. colorful costumes.. lights.. late into the night.. party up..

..Amsterdam..
There needn't be any particular festival to get me to head out that way... Its small enough to get a real feel for what Amsterdam is like.. not spread out and elaborate like most capital cities.. Van Gogh Museum.. Anne Franks house.. very open, liberal, gay friendly... The :"Coffee shops" and "Smartshops" (only if you are of age) and THAT is where you can feel free to ask questions and buy-NOT from the street lurkers.. they are easily found by the giant green leafs on the outside or their rasta-type names.. Though.. something i DIDNT know. drugs really ARE illegal there.. a lot of the cops just turn a blind eye.. the use is a lot more tolerated over there..

Bangkok, Thailand
(and Phuket.. Koh Phi Phi-one of the best beaches on EARTH..and other places too)
exotic, vibrantly colorful dress with elaborate patterns... spicy smells permeating the air mixing in with the powerful stench of sweat and smoke incense... elephants.. beautiful pristine beaches.. friendly strangers coming to talk to you... stray dogs and cats roaming the streets..

more to come... :)
I continue to explore travel spots.. festivals.. etc.
but right now i need some cocoa..

Thanksgiving Stock up..

yeah... so wandering around the grocery store this evening.. thinking of what i could make for dinner.. I saw all the families.. the mothers.. the fathers.. the grandparents.. all stocking up on Thanksgiving foods.. heading home to love and warmth and hugs and families
I played the "I wonder whose going home.. alone.. no one for Thanksgiving.."
Only I won that award..
:(
Needless to say, I couldn't bring myself to buy anything..
though i did stand in front of the ice cream for a long while contemplating which one I should grab to devour..
None..
nothing
nada
nope
not gonna happen...

I need some friends.. family.. anything..
instead i suppose ill mix a drink and settle in for the night and worry about tomorrow.. tomorrow..
yep..

BUT i did get tickets to Panic on Friday.. I just hope he makes it back in time for us to go..
i worry still.. wonder.. hmmm..

Hobbit House~!

I really want to live here. THE ULTIMATE HOBBIT HOUSE!!



If you dont want to explore the website, Here are some of the highlights of this super fun house~!:

--Dug into hillside for low visual impact and shelter
--Stone and mud from diggings used for retaining walls, foundations etc.
--Frame of oak thinnings (spare wood) from surrounding woodland
--Reciprocal roof rafters are structurally and aesthaetically fantastic and very easy to do
--Straw bales in floor, walls and roof for super-insulation and easy building
--Reclaimed (scrap) wood for floors and fittings
--Woodburner for heating - renewable and locally plentiful
--Fridge is cooled by air coming underground through foundations
--Skylight in roof lets in natural feeling light
--Solar panels for lighting
--Water by gravity from nearby spring
--Compost toilet
--Roof water collects in pond for garden etc.

Some fun animals for you~!:)

As you may or may not know.. I am VERY curious..
AND i love animals.. they fascinate me..
so i have collected a few interesting ones here for your pleasure and entertainment and future knowledge.. .


....Malaysian Ants...
These creepy little crawlies have an interesting way of expressing their fear. When they feel threatened, they internally combust and their bodies explode. They have glands on either side of their body and when they contract their abs, the poison is sprayed out as they explode...


.... Horned Lizard ....
Such a cute little guy~!:) Though.. once again,.. has an interesting way of defending itself.. When he feels threatened, he pressures his own sinus cavities so much that the blood vessels in his eyes burst. Therefore, when he is scared, he sprays his potential attacker with blood from his eyes... up to 1/3 of its blood!! FROM HIS EYES!!


.... Kakapo ....
Quite a strange parrot... Hes short, squat, pudgy.. Hes nocturnal.. He NEVER flies and instead prefers to hike around the forst floor for miles each night... Hes the heaviest parrot, at 8 lbs... Sadly though, there are only about 62 left on earth and they all reside in New Zealand.


.... Spring Hare...
Sooo bizarre! It has been classified with jumping rodents ("jerboas"), squirrels and porcupines... Now it has its own classification.. It looks kind of like a kangaroo and a hare.. short tiny limbs with claws for digging.. ear flaps that are flexible to seal off the ear cannal to protect from sand.. he can jump 20-30 feet using his tail for balance (like a kangaroo)


.. SLOTHS!! ,,.
MY FAVORITE EVER~ awww..soo cute.. member of the edentate family (along with anteaters and armadillos)... hang upside down for most of their lives.. they have over 600 species of bacteria and plants living and growing off them at any iven time and the sloth will often eat them off if he is hungry... mothers give birth to their babies upside down.. they only come down form the tree once a week-and its only to take a pooh-then they ascend back up the tree... on ground, the fastest they can "crawl" is 1.2 miles per hour-reaching forward, digging their claws into the ground and then pulling themselves forward, dragging their bellies on the rainforest floor... it takes them 3 days to reproduce (have sex)... they can turn their head 270 degrees... apparently there is also evidence that sloths like beer and have been seen in the trees near 7/11s and other "watering holes" .. since they hang upside down so much, their internal organs are arranged differently than most animals..

Best weekend ever.. but back to reality..

Okay...
This past weekend was the best ever~ full of bliss and wonder and drunken fun.. ha~:)
Emily and Erin and Justin came to visit.. Summer Camp reunion~ And on the last night we met up with more people from camp.
I got my 5th tattoo.. laughed till my tummy hurt... cheesy fries at Hannah Flannigans.. time much needed with my bestest friend, Emily who is wayyyyy too far away... made funny faces at the camera (I swear i thought i was smiling...)





Then.. once they all left, I crashed... HARD..
Reality set in again..
Reality that..
i still dont have a job that can support me financially
i still dont have anyone to stay with for my first 3 days in Seattle though i have contacted people... no one is really WANTING me...
i still am stuck here in Flat Rock.. beautiful house that i dont want to leave.. but know that I have to move on..
i still am terrified to move into another persons house (the "rooms available on Craigslist") because i dont want to shake their foundation.. because i dont want to invade their space.. because i am scared they wont like or accept me.. because i want to be able to host couch surfers and hear my music and hookah and eat my cooca and have my own space when i need it...
i still am terrified to move to Portlland or Seattle.. I WANT to go back there.. but its such a big move.. so expensive.. scared I wont find friends... scared that i will be disappointed..
i still am lonely... confused.. needing more than what i have right now..
i still am bigger than i'd like to be in all the wrong places..
i still havent bought tickets to Widespread Panic on Friday even though i promised i would almost a week ago..
i still need to renew my license (expires November 29th) but dont technically have an address here (I live on my landlords property.. so I dont have a mailbox really..) and I dont have the time to drive home to Augusta, GA to get one with the address at my parents house because of work...
I still have no plans for thanksgiving.. my parents are going off to New York to visit my little brother.. but since i have to work Monday.. they cant pick me up.. soooooo alone on Thansksgiving..
i still wake up in the middle of the night, look at the big emptiness in the bed and feel the emptiness in my heart...

On the other hand...
I found a space heater.. so now my bedroom is warm at night :)
I WAS able to have a fun time.. get some new pictures.. have some much needed fun..
I have lots of left over hard-A.. soooo.. anyone wanna come oveR?
I have a car that works with a wicked stereo system
I have pink in my hair (that is slowly fading to a reddish-orange... but still looks fun)
I got a call from Disney Cruise Lines (I emailed them about the position as a youth counselor on a whim the other day) and will be going to an interview in January
I havent had a drink the past two nights~ which is a big change from having something every night.. though it does make the feelings more raw..
I have been able to take the time to read.. old favorite pastime :)

That 1 Guy

This guy is STRAIGHT from Dr. Suess..
He created his Magic Pipe out of plumbers pipe..
7 feet tall! HomeMade!
each pipe has a unique sound.. its own string.. a different pitch
Smoke even billows out the top!
He was clasically trained as a upright bass player and used to frequent the jazz scene until he turned into
That 1 Guy


Mike Silverman... better known as That 1 Guy...

"ButtMachine"


"One"
This one..you can actually SEE him play his Magic Pipe.. AMAZING~

lala.. and BLOW

AND AND AND
Why is it
that every guy that pays attention to me.. that compliments me..
I want..
not necessarily want them in bed..
but want more of them
want them to want me more.. want them as mine.. want to spend more time with them...

I guess it is because i do miss that.. i am lonely.. and i want so badly to believe that someone wants me..


Blow is, literally, a mind blowing movie.. i had to catch my breath from shock quite a few times..
i thought i had seen it before.. but no..
i cried a couple times too..
hate how drugs can be some of the best times of your life.. but also can sink you to the lowest of the low.. break apart families.. break apart lives.. disintegrate dreams
but
wow
thats all i have to say...
and why is it that Amsterdam is the only place where pot is legal?

and now the songs.. (a few)

Ben Harper "In Your Eyes"


Great Big Sea "Fast As I can"
..so pretty.. so patient.. so true..
"
I'm goin fast as I can, please don't make me rush
This feeling's coming on way too fast
I'll tell you all of the things that you'll never forget
But I'm not ready say, "I love you" yet
I'm not ready to say "I love you" yet.

Don't push me in too deep,
I've always been the fool who rushes in.
I know, You've got to take the pieces one-by-one
For you've got everything.
So forgive me if we take time.
But there's something thats been on my mind."


my favorite EVER..
.. i dream of being serenaded to this song..

Edwin McCain "I'll Be" (Acoustic Version)
..EVERY word.. EVERY moment in that song.. is just sooo beautiful.. Someday i will have that..

"Rain falls angry on the tin roof
As we lie awake in my bed
You're my survival, you're my living proof
My love is alive not dead
Tell me that we belong together
Dress it up with the trappings of love
I'll be captivated I'll hang from your lips
Instead of the gallows of heartache, that hang from above
I'll be your crying shoulder
I'll be love suicide
I'll be better when I'm older
I'll be the greatest fan of your life"

"Love"...

Love
What is it really?
An idea? A feeling? A sensation? An event?

I thought i felt it once.. but he denied its authenticity. How could you leave someone behind if you really did love them?
Truth is, I got scared..
I am NOT ready to settle down. I am not ready to be with one person all my life. I feel as though I haven't lived yet.
I dont want to tie him down and I don't want to be tied down. Not at this point in my life.
I still want to travel. I still want to explore. I still need to follow my dreams. I still need to figure out what I want from life and who I am.
And I do not want to have to drag someone along with me.
"Love is like a violin. The music may stop now and then, but the strings remain forever." - unknown
Because even though i don't LOVE him, I still think about him every day. I still worry about him every day. I still wonder what would have happened if i didn't leave.
Because.. really.. i thought part of love was wanting the best for the other person.. and I didn't want him to end up hurt.. or feeling left behind while I am on this journey.

I am not that experienced.. I never had any boyfriend or anything similar until this January quite soon after my brother died. I still dont know much about relationships.. or how I deal with them.. what fits with me.. what I need from other people.. what I tend to do when I get scared in relationships.. what i tend to do when i fall for them..
Im still learning about me.
Im still exploring other people. wanting to experience all degrees of love and intimacy...

Yet I miss a LOT of things.. being alone out here..
I don't need a whole lot. I am not high maintenance.
I suppose I am needy in that I do need to be touched. I do need attention. I do need to be appreciated and acknowledged.
I need that hug from behind.. being safe in someone else's arms.
I need to be able to laugh.
I need to be able to go to sleep and know that in the morning they will still be there.
I need to know that they will pick up the tab sometimes. That even though I will buy them random stuff to make them smile.. figure out their favorite treats and foods and animals and sprinkle their life with little surprises, that they will still remember me.
They will at least occasionally remember me in their lives.. let me know they remember me.. by randomly calling, texting, bringing back a story or treat that made them think of me...
I need spontaneity and fun.. same ol' same ol' bore me and push me away.
If you do flirt or talk with other pretty girls (which is any other girl than me) come back to me after and let me know its still me you want... touch my hand, hug me, quick kiss, anything to show me im yours, not her. because I do get scared that others will take you
I need the physical intimacy as well.. I need not go into details..
I don't need chocolates ... I dont need flowers... I dont need diamond and jewelry.... I am NOT that kind of girl...
I just need to know that I am yours.. that you want me.. that you need me..
I just need to be constantly stimulated with excitement, unusual, fun.. I am a gemini.. i get bored easy and its not that I WANT to get bored with you. its just that I get easily distracted...
I need you to push me.. I give up easy. give in easy.. get scared.. I need to know that you care enough to take my hand (not necessarily literally) and guide me, lead me... be there for me in case i fall on my face
I need to learn from you... sometimes you don't even need to do anything.... but I want to grow and learn.. about life.. about me.. about you.. about the world.. about anything..
I need a song.. think of a song that reminds you of me.. or of our relationship... thats one way for me to think about you a lot.. I LIVE for music and every time that song comes on I am swallowed up with the memories and emotions and the essence of YOU..

Love is a lot about vulnerability.. putting yourself out there.. letting go of many things.. taking the chance.. letting down your guard..leaving your comfort zone.. sliding into their reality, their world, their thoughts-or at least meet halfway.. allowing a side of you to show that you dont normally show.. letting the other person into your world.. into your body.. THAT is a scary thing for me.. but i am willing.. sometimes all too willing..

I do hate being alone.. It is not fun.. it makes me feel empty...
And I have this problem... Whenever I meet a new guy, I always weigh the possibilities.. get swept away in my thoughts and hopes.. deny reality (as usual)... and hope for the best..
That is my problem.. I deny reality. I live in my dreams. I live in my hopes. I want SOO badly to believe that I deny what is so blatant and in my face..
Like... I wanted to have something SO badly a bit ago, I let myself fall for someone who didn't want ME. he just wanted "someone". He wanted to play. I suppose I didn't mind the playing, but I don't think I am all that good at playing without getting feelings involved.
I fall hard fast. I get swept away in the euphoria that someone, SOMEONE, is paying attention to me
I trust everyone too easy and end up getting hurt even worse than if I would have kept to myself.. or maybe the experience was worth it.. the only problem is i DONT LEARN from those situations and they continue again and again.

Im just blabbering now..
I couldn't sleep because I had this thought bubble and it was marinating and bouncing in my mind and I had to let it go.. and this is it..
I just wish i could be more eloquent.. though it is 3:45 in the morning and im only half awake..

I just am wanting more from life right now than what it seems to be offering.. which is why im moving to Asheville.. hopefully i will find something or someone there..

I will leave you with a request...
What do you think is the most romantic song? the sweetest song? the song that moves you?
I am curious.. I will get back to you with mine..

im going to be okay..(AND SONG FOR THE MOMENT)

im going to be okay. Im going to be okay. Im going to be okay. im going to be okay. Im going to be okay. Im going to be okay. im going to be okay. Im going to be okay. Im going to be okay.
I am going to find a place to stay
I am going to get rid of (and over) him
I am going to make new friends
I am going to GET OUT and LIVE
I am going to get a job
im going to be okay. Im going to be okay. Im going to be okay. im going to be okay. Im going to be okay. Im going to be okay. im going to be okay. Im going to be okay. Im going to be okay.
It is weird though.. I wake up sometimes and expect someone to be next to me.. but nope. its always empty. SUCH a deeply lost lonley feeling.. it hits me hard.. reality i suppose. So alone.
big
empty
bed
so i roll over, get myself together and turn the music up louder to drown it all out

I know i can do this..
its not really that people dont like me.. one of my friends, Nick, who is learning to blow glass, he made me a big glass bead with a pretty flower in the middle, made it into a necklace and gave it to me.. the other guy last night was flirty, though i think it was the beer talking.. the 2 guys i met on the street, Brandon and Jonathan, I still keep contact with, they still come over, they still ask to come over more.. my couchsurfing friends-i keep trying to make plans to go out and meet them..


Red Hot Chili Peppers, "Tell Me Baby:
(Song for the moment...).. LOVE the chorus.. "tell me baby~Whats your story~where come from and where you wanna go\ this time round"... mmm LOVIN it~ !

so
its not that people dont like me
its just that i am scared.. i guess scared to get close to people.. i dont want my world rocked like that again.. it hurts so much, but i need it so bad..
I need to get over the fear of falling before i can soar

Oh..
and tonight is the first night that i can remember that i didnt drink..
it is strange.. i was thinking about it today...
i cant remember the last time i didnt have either a glass or wine (or half a bottle) or pour a little pineapple rum/peach vodka in my diet mt dew...
NOT a good sign..
i dont want to be addicted or dependent.. It is just such a freeing sensation..
i also have the growing urge.. yearning...need for the lovely pakalolo.. :/

Thirsty Monk~

Ummm;/..... yea
had some fun tonight.. MADE myself go out (with additional help and prompting-thank you Trent)
rather crazy drive there... mixed some pineapple rum in with my can of diet Mt Dew.. and then had 2 puffs.. i was FREAKING out in the drivers seat.. it all felt like some surreal video game.. and the lights messed with my head.. twinkling and streaking around in front of me..
Zack took over.. thank goodness...
We went to sushi.. i stared at the twinkling stars on the ceiling the whole time.. transfixed by their magic hold on me.. and ate a bag of KettleKorn i bought for 75cents at Mast General store while Zack ate oysters and steak and Heather had some tofu and noodle concoction.. and i ate the popcorn with chopsticks.. and then put them in my hair for some added flair (not that i needed much more)
THEN
to Thirsty Monk... walking down the ramp to the downstairs.. it feels like you are descending into a dungeon with the rocky stone walls and steep stairs.. and it got darker and darker as you went further.. QUITE the variety of beers.. availability changes quite often so theres often a new menu out.. with descriptions of the taste and the alcohol content ,,
now..
i HATE beer.. icky.. but i tested out others.. and cringed EVERY time.. nope not for me..
we ended up playing with Play dough, building castles out of various empty glasses around the table and the coasters they so politely left at our table (we didnt use them for their correct purpose..) etc. etc.

I wanted SO badly this.. i NEEDEd so badly this..
to be with people.. to chill.. to be talked to.. to not be ignored..

now im hungry..

song for the moment..

Counting Crows, "Anna Begins"

Such an addicting song.. I cannot NOT listen to it whenever i turn on my music. and all day today ive been singing it in my head.. its a combination of the DRUMS.. the VOICE.. the "Anna begins.. " and "..I am not worried, I am not overly concerned.."

I did get a call today from the man who was looking to hire me to teach in Taiwan... unfortunately i was nowhere i heard the phone when he called so he just left a message..

I got another call from ArtSpace Charter school here in Asheville. I had applied there in hopes that there would be a job opening. At first there wasn't and they offered me volunteering. I hadn't gotten around to calling them and figuring out what that would require and what I would get to do
Instead i got the call from them saying they were looking for an after school assistant.. I think thats what she said.. I was a little shocked so I wasn't 100% paying attention to what she said after she said she was from ArtSpace Charter School.

I spent the majority of the day sitting upside down on the futon blasting the music.. in my own world.. lost in my thoughts.. thinking way too hard.. not wanting to believe what is really true..
I somewhat confronted him about it the other day.. saying i was scared that he didn't want ME... but i was just convenient.. he said he didn't want anything right now.. I sank back.. my bubble burst.. thats why i was so scared to say anything.. i knew it but didnt want to believe it.. yep.. thats right.. figured.. Yet.. i still cant bring myself to be mad at him... im a cry-er not a fighter..

On another note, the underlying fear all my life.. the liver transplant and its potential rejection.
EVERY SINGLE time i get some sort of odd/sick/icky feeling in my tummy area, the FIRST thing that flashes in my head is that my liver is rejecting me.. that I will need a new liver transplant. It usually doesnt haunt me that much.. but it is always constantly there.
Nowadays the fear is more eminent.. in terms of the things that I am doing that I probably shouldn't.. that i dont need... but feel like i need to feel.. to feel happy..
it will go away just like any other tummyache, right?>

time needs to stop dragging..

it a simple question..
do you like me or no
do you want me or no

im bad with getting caught up in things, thinking they are real.. wanting soo badly for things to be right.. for things to be the way i wish they could be...

nope

still no job prospects..
though I am getting a nice correspondence going with a man who is in charge of settling teachers in to teach English in Taiwan... intriguing.. fleeing the country for awhile
though i am TERRIFIED of being alone out there..

No replies from the preschools in the area
no new open positions to apply to

And its nearing Christmastime.. going home to relatives who were soo proud of me.. and will be asking me about the job i was soo excited about..
and i will have to tell them
Nope.. not anymore...
Well.. what am i doing?
Nothing.
sleeping. crying. reading. applying to jobs. drinking. dreaming. regretting. working $6/hour at a paint your own pottery studio.
essentially..
nothing



i didn't plan on being a failure

why am i so scared to try things that i know will make me happy?

why am i so scared to allow new people into my life?

why do i get sOOOO nervous in person... soo scared of the unknown.. of what others are thinking..

wish someone would care enough to read up... to think.. to wonder.. to want.. to do...
im tired of doing for others
just once
it would be nice for someone to do for me~


i dont want to be so scared to live my life..
please dont let me chicken out...

where am i now?

Nothing more
Nothing less
Just numbing the pain with tattoos.. and other things i probably shouldn't be doing..
part of it is i get so caught up in the thought that it will make me happy..
that just once more tattoo...
or
hey.. ive never tried that, but heard that it makes you happy.. euphoric.. blissful.. why not try it?
even though my friends last words before i took it were, "Heres to life.. Its not mine so i dont want to be to blame for anything that goes wrong.."
I now have 4 tattoos...

and my cars in the shop... $255 to get it out
and i have no real job.. just one that i love that only brings in about $100 a week...
and i have no idea what to think about the dude.. if he really does like me.. or if he i am just a filler until something else comes along...
and i have no idea where to go with my life
should i teach english abroad? the whole idea is so mind blowing to me... teaching kids.. inspiring kids.. halfway across the country.. giving them hope
should i stay in Asheville and find a preschool job? there haven't been many opportunities.. but i do have some friends here.. its pretty here... its hippie here... its chill.. i have potential...
should i start over and drive across the country and start over in Oregon or Washington? back to home country? sCArY.. but intriguing.. re-inventing myself..
and i need to stop some things that i dont want to


I am a true gemini though...
I am terrified of being boring... of sameness... of consistency..
sometimes i think i stir up trouble JUST to throw some spice into my life..
i am way too curious.. too superficial.. i judge by how people act first.. and then i go back and realize that it is just an act.. i REALLY dont know how they feel.. i just see what i see.. maybe the reason why he is acting that way is because he just popped a bunch of pills... not that he doesnt like me..


I do like my tattoos
its kinda scary though..
my need for them...
for something

i dont know what im looking for
but i sure cant find it

I miss Tali.. i miss my boys.. :(

i miss how life used to be

im scared that i wont be able to find myself again

im scared i want to be a teacher because i dont want to let go of my childhood..

im starting to realize my indecisiveness is far worse than making the wrong decision

im too scared of being alone to hold out for the best

Sometimes i wish i was blind so i wouldnt have to look at myself everyday in the mirror

im afraid to grow up because sometimes it feels like things will never feel beautiful again

tv lied to me about how life would be

but MOST of all

I'm TerrifieD of not existing..

NO MORE GLASSES! NO MORE CONTACTS! YAY FOR LASIK!

HOORAY FOR LASIK!!
I CAN SEE!!
No more hassling with putting in and taking out contacts...
No more figuring out how to snuggle on the couch to watch a movie with glasses...
No more pretending i DONT need glasses while going out and expereincing the world as a series of blurry figures..

NOW
If i somehow get in the situation where i have to end up sleeping out in the middle of a cow field or at an unexpected persons house.. no more worries about w\hat to do with my contacts or glasses...

IM FREE~!~ AND I CAN SEE~!

the surgery itself did not hurt at all,.. They put a series of drops in my eyes that numbed them and did other things... and then taped my eyes open.. stuck me under a laser which lasted about 30 seconds for each eye.. and i was done! IN and out in about an hour... AND they sent me off with these spiffy goggles that i am supposed to wear every night for a week,.,. Zack stopped at Asiana (a Chinese buffet) on the way home and we totally p[ayed it off that i was blind.. tho halfway thru the time we were there i started dying because
the numbness wore off... ::( :(
I spent the rest of the afternoon crying and then trying not to cry cuz it hurt,,. opening my eyes hurt, but so did closing them..
So i did the sensible thing, popped in a couple valium and slept..

Woke up later.. went over to clean Zack's apartment because i figured he wouldn't and JP was getting back tomorrow and hated it when Zack doesnt clean.. so i swept, did the dishes, took out the trash, vaccuumed... and then repeated the process at my place.. then i felt dizzy and weak, and my eyes felt as though they would fall out
so
i took another valium and crashed

The Art Of Travel

...The Art Of Travel Is To Deviate From One's Plans...

WHAT an amazing movie...
Well.. maybe the movie itself wasn't all that amazing.. but what it did to me was amazing,... the feelings and images and dreams that it evoked within me..

the movie was shot in 5 countries in 6 weeks with under $400,000 budget but STILL managed to shoot ON LOCATION everywhere...
Conner dumps his fiancée at the altar (quite a way to leave her too!) and leaves for his honeymoon, alone...to Nicaragua where he gets robbed and then runs into a couple with the promise of exotic adventure and hard work. Conner goes along with them and with other random vagabonds machete and chop their way through the Darien Gap, creating the first road through the seemingly unpassable stretch of jungle. Conner travels on with his new girl.. to Peru and Bolivia.. learning lessons that years of schooling could never teach a person..


"I think back and ask myself a deeper question.. Why NOT me? Why should I be immune to the lessons life has to offer. I think life is all about how you let the bad days change you and what you take out of the experience."

HA! the ending made me laugh.. I love practical jokes :)



makes me want to go back to Ecuador..
whacking the vines with a machete.. the veiw of the Amazon-layers of green going on for as far as the eye can see... a much simpler way of living..

it awakens my wanderlust

and to have someone to travel with..

Definitely a movie for dreamers.. travelers... :)

AND they sing Rainbow Connection!!!
LOVE that song!!

PICTURES!

Me.. playing around with the computer camera! :)

KALE! Performing Cabin Olympics.. consisting of them jumping over the railing of the bed and tumbling onto the bed in various different ways..


Zack.. after attempting Cabin Olympics... (:


At our first campsite in Harpers Ferry.. I LOVE the leaves... soo pretty! :)


All of the boys standing in front of the Capital Building..

Me, being transfixed by this crazy trippy wall at the Smithsonian.. The colors were all moving and swirly and 3D and coming out at me..


My boys and I... we found this amazingly fun seat in the middle of the Smithsonian.. somewhere with a lot of skeletons.. I was bored and haunted by the skeletons so I sat down and soon all the boys were seated around it with me... and so.. Zack too the camera and SNAPPED!

Movieeeee and update..

Feast of Love


A movie I want to see...

< There is a story about the Greek Gods; they were bored so they invented human beings, but they were still bored so they invented love, then they weren't bored any longer. So they decided to try love for themselves. And finally, they invented laughter, so they could stand it. >

Morgan Freeman is the best narrator.. I LOVE his smooth, soothing yet confident and all knowing voice..
AND it takes place in Portland, Oregon..

ON another note..
i went to a job interview today
at a preschool
Although I was highly disappointed in the preschool... too confining.. no freedom for me to do what I need or want to do with my kids.. they offered me the job straight away.
I denied.
As i was walking out, I struck up a conversation with a cleaning lady. I explained that I had just graduated from University of Alabama, Early Childhood Education. She looked at me sympathetically...
"Oh honey... You shouldn't subject yourself to places like this. You can do so much better. Go on where you belong. You don't belong here. I can tell. You are a free spirit. Go on and be free where you need to be. But I don't want to see you around here-OR any place like this again..."
It provided me with lots to think about..

I still don't know what I want..
and am scared to know..
Looking tenatively at places to live in Asheville, but chicken out in terms of going to check them out. I love where I am at, though I know deep down I know I will LOVE it even more in Asheville, surrounded by a lot more to offer...
but i dont want to leave a lot of things here..
Express Yourself Studio and Carina.. she needs me... she nearly begged me to stay working with her, offering me a raise and more days.,,,
The cottage.. it is MINE.. I get this sense of relief and peace when i walk in the door.. but no one ever really comes to visit.. so i get lonely
JP.. he doesnt know what he is doing either... we mentioned going to Oregon... but that was just silly talk.. we mentioned him coming with me to Seattle.,.. but that was silly talk.. thats all it is.. silly talk.. about nothing that will be

Oh well..
time will tell what will happen..
what is supposed to happen will happen..
JUST KEEP ON TRUCKIN!