HES HERE.. .. Almost Famous..

Things are better now... now that hes here.. Though its harder in other ways..
he really DOES do things to me no one else has ever.. and will ever..
makes me feel soo beautiful.. soo happy..
yet also
makes me cry
disappoints me
he cant stop
i fear he cant

with my eating disorder
i kept saying i was going to..
but kept on doing it.. because its bigger than me.. still is..

and i think its bigger than him

We made 2 random last minute trips to Boone (BEAUTIFUL ride.. BEAUTIFUL town)
to get what he needed
i cried most the whole way there and/or back
not necessarily all out sobbing,.. but i couldn't stop the tears

Wilma is being her normal self.. staring up at me with pleading eyes as i much on chips or eat my strawberries..
barking at everything outside..
but shes got much better at the walks :)

And the kitty wanders her own way around.. showing up when she wants some love.. meowing to open the door (even though she could go AROUND through the other doorS)
cuz
apparantly
she owns the place

I am using Hydroxycut..
i really dont know if it is working
but with the ED past and present (though not as much present) my vision of me and my body is warped anyway
so i wouldnt know
and if i asked someone they would of course tell me what i want to hear

I still havent heard from San Diego :(
they were supposed to call this week

I applied to AmeriCorps

Almost Famous is my CENTERiNG movie..
it makes me dream
makes me smile
makes me dream
i would love that life
on the road
with a family or rockstars and groupies...
living it up
but also with the messed up-ness that goes along with it

i just want a purpose really
i want to be wanted
i need to be needed
i need something to occupy my days so i dont go stir crazy thinking too much
i want to help people
i want to make people smile
i want to not think and sink down the rabbit hole of my thoughts

sometimes i do

i also want to trip
listen to music
with friends
on pillows and waterbeds and hammocks and popcorn and soft light and curtains and sunight....
hookah...
beautiful music
basking in the sunshine until the drops of sunshine diminish into splashes of moonlight