weekend UPDATE!

Now..
I dont know
wrapped up in him
and im okay with the way he feeels..
i know he loves/likes me.. he said so.. just not the way i do him.. if that makes sense
and yes
it hurts
it does
and iwant to be loved
and i want to hold treasures that he has given me.. letters.. notes.. memories of attempts to cook or entertain me..
but no
he had done so much for me though
and i let him know.. i tell him..
this is hte year of growing and finding myself
he has helped me with my self confidence (but also shattered it many times)
he made me see that i can be beautiful.. sexy even.. wanted... (though at other times its hard to see)
his foods are different.. far from my safe/comfort foods.. and i enjoy sharing with him.. in the comfort that i know i wont eat the entirething because iam with him.. and wouldnt allow that.. tho if i were on my own with some of thsoe foods i could probably eat hte entire thing.. given the state ive been in lately...
but
i think the thing that gets me the most
is that
he DOESNOT have to be drunk.. to drink.. to be with me.. to sleep with me..
and that means a LOT..
though he has said things
like
"we bothi know im going to find someone else and i dont want to break your heart when that happens"
and different things
i mean
sure
okay
i can accept the fact that i am only wiht him "for the moment"
cuz there is nothing else better for him at the moment
but
that doesnt change the fact that i will do
and have done
anything for him

i was thinking of alll the things i have done for him.. made for him.. bought for him..
and i have nothing to remember him by
but
memories
of sitting around all day
and that is another thing.. i cant do that with just anyone..
just ask any of my friends.. i am not a sit around and do nothing person..
i am a go getter.. do somethinger.. randomly walk and browse and explore..

but this weekend he was beautiful
and i miss him even more tonight
and that sucks
because

yea

I JUST WANT TO BE LOVED. tO BE WANTED.. to BE APPRECIATED.. to have somene want me. .all of me.. and commit to me..
just play with my hair..
share foods with me..
let me cook and clean..
go out with me so i can have a margarita
hold me
and
....
and im all yours

I've Learned:

Soo...
I went to my Couchsrufing.com website.. looked up people from Omaha.. sent out emails to many (if not al) of them and asked them to convince me to move to Omaha.. tell me about the city.. what they like to do.. why they are there, etc.
the response i got was sad
most everyone was warning me awway.. saying its boring.. cold.. not much nature/hiking.. bad public transportation..
but good":
cheap.... GOOD live/indie music scene... ALL 4 seasons..

Anyway..
i happened upon one guy who i was emailing and found a quote that realy REALLY touched me...
SO
so sososo
true..

->I know its a LOT to read.. but it is true.. and makes you think...
or atlast it did to me..

"I've learned"

I've learned that you cannot make someone love you. All you can do is be someone who can be loved. The rest is up to them.
I've learned that no matter how much I care, some people just don't care back. And it's not the end of the world.
I've learned that it takes years to build up trust, and only seconds to destroy it.
I've learned that it's not what you have in your life, but who you have in your life that counts.
I've learned that you can get by on charm for about fifteen minutes. After that, you'd better know something.
I've learned that you shouldn't compare yourself to the best others can do, but to the best you can do.
I've learned that it's not what happens to people, It's what they do about it. I've learned that no matter how thin you slice it, there are always two sides.
I've learned that you should always leave loved ones with loving words. It may be the last time you see them. I've learned that you can keep going long after you think you can't.
I've learned that heroes are the people who do what has to be done When it needs to be done regardless of the consequences. I've learned that there are people who love you dearly, but just don't know how to show it.
I've learned that sometimes when I'm angry I have the right to be angry, but that doesn't five me the right to be cruel.
I've learned that true friendship continues to grow even over the longest distance. Same goes for true love.
I've learned that just because someone doesn't love you the way you want them to doesn't mean they don't love you with all they have.
I've learned that no matter how good a friend is, they're going to hurt you every once in a while and you must forgive them for that.
I've learned that it isn't always enough to be forgiven by others. Sometimes you have to learn to forgive yourself.
I've learned that no matter how bad your heart is broken, the world doesn't stop for your grief.
I've learned that our background and circumstances may have influenced who we are, but we are responsible for who we become.
I've learned that just because two people argue, it doesn't mean that they don't love each other. And just because they don't argue, it doesn't mean they do.
I've learned that sometimes you have to put the individual ahead of their actions.
I've learned that two people can look at the exact same thing and see something totally different.
I've learned that no matter the consequences, those who are honest with themselves get farther in life.
I've learned taht your life can be changed in a matter of hours by people who don't even know you.
I've learned that even when you think you have no more to give, when a friend cries out to you, you will find the strength to help.
I've learned that writing, as well as talking, can ease emotional pains.
I've learned that the people you care most about in life are taken from you too soon.
I've learned that it's hard to determine where to draw the line between being nice and not hurting people's feelings and standing up for what you believe.
I've learned to love and be loved.
I've learned.

- Omer B. Washington