Fun with Photo Booth

:)
babysitting tonight..
home tomorrow
I do miss my parents.. They have been such a big help.. talking.. supporting.. putting up with my tears of despair-giving me alternative views and happy thoughts and defeat and cheering me on when i got my hopes up ... no matter what the support is there.. even if it isnt INSTANT.. and if a phone call went in the wrong direction at any point, i would get a phone call from my dad in a matter of hours.. apologizing or assuring me in some way that he was with me in anything i did even if he didnt necessarily approve (or Mom)
trying not to think/worry about the future.. and what will happen come June/May when JP comes back and the school year is over..
about next fall when school starts up again..
about how long its going to be until i see him again..


I need something to be passionate about.
i need action
i need communication
i need movement
i need something to live for
I used to be so good at going with the flow.. being happy
I need to find that place again.
and focusing on "getting smaller" is NOT the way to go.
but then again.. i cant depend on others for my happiness.


weather has been better lately.. its not QUITE as hard to get out of bed.. and when i get back from work the first thing i crave is NOT my bed..

In fact, yesterday i got out of work.. it was sunny.. I drove STRAIGHT to the Carl Sandburg house and power housed it to the top of the hill in 32 minutes .. up to the house.. around the house.. up the high trail.. up the mountain.. alternated between jogging and carefully walking DOWN the hill (snow/ice made it a little difficult to keep up the jogging) and then once i got to the bottom it was an all out sprint to the house.. down to the lake.. around the lake.. back to the car where i sat for a good five minutes realizing how GOOD it felt.
how i NEVER thought i could do that


I cannot depend on other people to make me happy
I cannot keep on wrapping my mind up in this stupid world of fat/skinny/protein/need to go go go/exercise/shrink/get "better"
I can be "better" by shifting my MENTAL STATE.. NOT my body.
because i know.. i have been there.. i will never be satisfied.. i will never be "enough"..

PATIENCE and LIVING IN THE MOMENT are also things i am going to need to work on.
LIVE IN THE MOMENT
ACCEPT THE NOW
DONT ANTICIPATE/WORRY
LAUGH
PATIENCE
if a baby is sleeping in your arms.. CHERISH that moment.. DO NOT agonize about how "lazy" you are for just sitting.. take the time to calm.. think..

JP keeps reminding me that happiness comes and goes.. it is not necessarily a constant. you can be happy for some of the day and be sad for some.. just ACCEPT the emotion you are feeling.. happy will come again.. I toss his words aside and soak in the sadness
but im coming out (or trying to at least)

Just reading an article from Psychology Today... restating what I have been stating all along..
"The Religion of Thinness teaches us to relieve our current distress by focusing on the fantasy of a "better" body. Those who become trapped in this illusion come to depend on the temporary relief it provides by diverting our attention away from our everyday problems and pains towards a picture of ourselves physically perfected."
SO TRUE
need to replace that illusion of the "better body" with something meaningful..
which leads to questions i have yet to figure out the answer to..

1. WHAT is the meaning to my life?
(??)

2. WHAT do i hope to accomplish in my life?
(my initial reaction: to be happy.. to spread happy.. to live care-free.. to be able to be spontaneous and inspire others to do the same)

3. HOW do i want people to remember me when i die?
(CERTIANLY NOT as someone who is void of life except when it comes to food/eating.. I need to live in the moment when i am with the kids.. not wait for the next opportunity for food/convince myself that i am not hungry/ignore the hunger)

4. What kinds of ideas, activities, relationships nourish me mentally,,, or physically?
(not so sure anymore.. initial answer: SHARING GOOD, NORMAL food with people ((but then again why do i have to SHARE? why cant i have it al?)) being with JP... hiking.. talking to people. .CONNECTING with people.. sleeping..

5. If i died unexpectedly tomorrow/tonight.. what would i regret?
(NOT LIVING ANYMORE.. being stuck in this mindset..)

6. DO i make decisions based on FEAR or on what will help me progress to what i REALLY want in/from life?
(at the moment.. moreso fear than the other.. but ITS GONNA CHANGE!!!)

7. Am I willing to abandon my comfort zone?
(..scary..)

I need a coach.. a motivator.. someone to keep me on track.. i need advice.. stories. inspiration..
.?...?...?..

im just lost