the real deal.. inside my head?

I cannot stop listening to this song.. its been played over and over in my head and my headphones for the past 2 days.. no other song will suffice..


Sometimes i wonder if people actually LISTEN
i know some people cant pick up on hints
but
its stupid how we expect them to read our minds.. do what we hope they will do
when we dont TELL THEM WHAT WE WANT
but yet i do it anyway
and get crushed when they DONT
..if that makes sense..


sometimes i do have those thoughts..
those thoughts that would scare the crap out of most people if they were reading my mind..
..about..
How i dont wear my seatbelt sometimes.. on purpose.. just in case we do crash.. then it wouldn't be considered suicide. just a tragedy..
How when cars pass me in the other lane. i sometimes blank out for a bit and imagine me trailing into their lane and crashing head on..
Curling in a ball in the middle of the road to see if cars will actually stop..
or some reason they all deal with cars
figure that out Freud

And sometimes i want to go back to treatment
so that i dont have to have that mind fuck struggle every time the hunger comes.. or "mealtime" comes..
and the aftermath..
i will be surrounded by people in my same situation
who UNDERSTAND how hard it is.. the stupid little things that we struggle with.. that no one can wrap their minds around..
and Therapists that care.. even if some of them are fake (luckily i haven't encountered one of those) but their motherly, caring, concerned attitude
i remember one time crying in River Oaks one time for the silliest reason
we were on meal plans there.. we had a certain amount of fats, protiens, vegetables/fruits, dairy, etc per meal
and we checked off the boxes of what we wanted..
breakfast-snack-lunch-snack-dinner-snack
I loved being forced to eat
it took all the pressure off
but one time.. my dietition added a pack of PopTarts to my afternoon snack..
and i ABSOLUTELY flipped out
that meant for my afternoon snack i had to eat:
yogurt
cereal
Ensure Plus
Half Bagel with Peanut butter
and now i ALSO had to have
a pack of PopTarts

torture for me
so now there are certain foods that i will never be able to eat again without being flooded with memories of treatment
Bagels and peanut butter/cream cheese
PopTarts
Cheesecake
PuppyChow

one Easter all i had for dinner was a bowl of Cheerios.. with half a little mini box of milk.. and i didnt even finish it..
I have spent Thanksgiving.. Chirstmas,.. New Years.. Easter.. 4th of July.. Mardi Gras.. my birthday (twice)
pretty much every holiday in a treatment center
in fact
my 21st birthday was in a treatment center
but they are the best freinds you will ever have
the ones you meet in a treatment center

I realize this
that i cling WAY too hard to memories..
i dont know if EVERYONE has such vivid memories
the feelings.. the smells.. the look of shock on my friends face as she realized that i had just purged the ice cream we bought together as our final outing before i moved away..
little things trigger it to
the way a person says something.. the lingering smell of something in the air.. foods.. SONGS are a HUGE one for me..

and thats the other thing
i wish sometimes that people could go inside my head when mealtime comes.. an hour before to an hour after..
experience it
feel it
go through the motions.. the fears.. the want.. the hesitation.. the letting go.. the hatred.. the guilt.. the sadness.. the worthlessness..
and then
then you might understans where i am coming from
calories.. fat.. the way its made.. "goodness" of it vs "badness" of it
i can show you the lowest calorie/fat/sugar thing on any menue... and the highest..
i can show you the foods that i will be okay with
even if it leaves me finished before everyone.. and it takes everything i have to keep from staring at the dishes around me.. with the simmering smell of melted cheese.. the spices.. the crusty, crunchy bread.. the beautifully smooth coating of frosting..
spying the leftover crusts on people's plates.. their party eaten sandwich (wishing i could JUST eat the tomato slice inside.. and maybe taste the bread..).. the half muffin leftover.. even the crumbs..
and i wish i could eat them... finish them off
becaue if i finish off someone elses
its not so bad
because i didnt eat the whole thing.. and tis going to be thrown away anyway, right? sooooo

and every time anything goes wrong
of i feel sad
this is the kind of mind fuck i go through
all that up there
and the mental beat down about how could someone ever love me
my body
my soul
when i do/think things like that
when i look like this

and so i dont eat
and i love that feeling.. of my tummy eating itslef..
but i cant do that anymore
and the mental repercussions taint the rest of my day.. all my thoughts, actions, what i wear, what i say, what i choose to eat, what i choose to avoid...

i dont know what im getting at
what im asking for
but i feel soooo lost
down the rabbit hole
especially now that i am gone from him
people say all this shit on facebook about how they miss me or want me to visit or blah blah blah
i wonder how much of it is polite falsity
because
people say things
you can say you love me all you want
you can say you miss me all you want
yeah?
PROVE IT
SHOW ME
dont tell me
thats what i want
ACTIONS not WORDS
please help me...