Hello!
Back again!
with pep and vigor
i guess...

So i left it all behind yesterday.. my wonderful job that kept me afloat.. the huggable children..
they had a going away party for me.

how strange, wonderful, sad and frustrating it is that I never realize how much people appreciate me until its "too late"
I live in this world where I see the most wonderful qualities in everybody around me.. I have never met a person I did not like.. i tend to only on the awe and beauty and uniqueness.. I trust.. I dont seem to see the "negavites" and if i i do, the goodness always outweighs..
but when it comes to me.. why would people WANT to be seen with me?
I used to ahve this fear.. back with one of my ex's (my only REAL ex) that he didnt want to take me places because i was so weird.. that he wasn't proud of me.. that he didnt want to be seen with me.. a lot of it has to do with Kyle too.
As much as I loved my brother, he messed with my head in such a way it is so hard to recover.. at times I REALIZE what I am thinking/doing is illogical and untrue, but its so much easier..

Anyway.
ramble on ramble on is what i do :)

Today.
My break from everything.. to a degree.. I get to paint outside in the beautiful sunshine in my swimsuit, the soft Georiga sun enhancing the vibrancy of hte colors as I squeeze half the tube onto my canvas and spread it around and around watching hte colors swirl together.. reds and blues and oranges and yellows and pinks.. until most all of my paint is gone.
Soon i will go kayaking for more think-time
Tomorrow I fly to JP down in Florida. to kayak and relax in the Sunshine State.. then driving up to his parents in Sunset Beach, NC
and then across the county to Washington state.. to Friday Harbor where a job at a summer camp waits for me. .as welll as ChurchHil Coffee and my friends i made there last summer. I look forward to it and am excited!! CANT WAIT!!
btu at the same time i have to stop to remind myself that I wasn't ALL happy there.. just look back in my blogsss!!

I am all about magnifying the happy times and disinigrating the bad times.. if that makes sense..
and I know this road trip will wear me down.. like it did last time.. but I want to make it work.. I want to go to Zion and to Grand Canyon and he has all these wonderful plans and ideas to visit different places but, realistically, I know we wont be able to do all of it.. so i try not to get my hopes up.

On another note.. with all this moving aorund and not being able to stay put.. free-spirit yes.. I am that.. but it isn't all about free spiritedness. People ARE right.. I am running.. constantly on the go.. in life.. even minute to minute it is so hard for me to stay still.. and living in one place for an extended period of time.. yes I get bored with the monotony.. and excited at the prospect of NEW!!
but
once again
as the days close in to the day I leave, things start going uphill .. I start realizing that i CAN make it on my own/in this town..

And.. EVERYTIME i come home
EVERYTIME
I am insatiable.
and its frustrating.
too much food in the house.. too much GOOD munchiness..
when my dad is there I am able to handle it.
I love my daddy :) we snack together... play Wii.. have hte same dorky sense of humor..
I love my mommy too.. but in a different way.. and its so GREAT that shes happy lately!! (even though the only thing she talks about is Farmville..) i love to see her soo happy and chatty and yelling at me from downstaris to log on and check facebook because she found some brown egg whcih If i GET i MIGHT be able to hatch a cottage for my farm...
(:
looveeeee