lala.. and BLOW

AND AND AND
Why is it
that every guy that pays attention to me.. that compliments me..
I want..
not necessarily want them in bed..
but want more of them
want them to want me more.. want them as mine.. want to spend more time with them...

I guess it is because i do miss that.. i am lonely.. and i want so badly to believe that someone wants me..


Blow is, literally, a mind blowing movie.. i had to catch my breath from shock quite a few times..
i thought i had seen it before.. but no..
i cried a couple times too..
hate how drugs can be some of the best times of your life.. but also can sink you to the lowest of the low.. break apart families.. break apart lives.. disintegrate dreams
but
wow
thats all i have to say...
and why is it that Amsterdam is the only place where pot is legal?

and now the songs.. (a few)

Ben Harper "In Your Eyes"


Great Big Sea "Fast As I can"
..so pretty.. so patient.. so true..
"
I'm goin fast as I can, please don't make me rush
This feeling's coming on way too fast
I'll tell you all of the things that you'll never forget
But I'm not ready say, "I love you" yet
I'm not ready to say "I love you" yet.

Don't push me in too deep,
I've always been the fool who rushes in.
I know, You've got to take the pieces one-by-one
For you've got everything.
So forgive me if we take time.
But there's something thats been on my mind."


my favorite EVER..
.. i dream of being serenaded to this song..

Edwin McCain "I'll Be" (Acoustic Version)
..EVERY word.. EVERY moment in that song.. is just sooo beautiful.. Someday i will have that..

"Rain falls angry on the tin roof
As we lie awake in my bed
You're my survival, you're my living proof
My love is alive not dead
Tell me that we belong together
Dress it up with the trappings of love
I'll be captivated I'll hang from your lips
Instead of the gallows of heartache, that hang from above
I'll be your crying shoulder
I'll be love suicide
I'll be better when I'm older
I'll be the greatest fan of your life"

"Love"...

Love
What is it really?
An idea? A feeling? A sensation? An event?

I thought i felt it once.. but he denied its authenticity. How could you leave someone behind if you really did love them?
Truth is, I got scared..
I am NOT ready to settle down. I am not ready to be with one person all my life. I feel as though I haven't lived yet.
I dont want to tie him down and I don't want to be tied down. Not at this point in my life.
I still want to travel. I still want to explore. I still need to follow my dreams. I still need to figure out what I want from life and who I am.
And I do not want to have to drag someone along with me.
"Love is like a violin. The music may stop now and then, but the strings remain forever." - unknown
Because even though i don't LOVE him, I still think about him every day. I still worry about him every day. I still wonder what would have happened if i didn't leave.
Because.. really.. i thought part of love was wanting the best for the other person.. and I didn't want him to end up hurt.. or feeling left behind while I am on this journey.

I am not that experienced.. I never had any boyfriend or anything similar until this January quite soon after my brother died. I still dont know much about relationships.. or how I deal with them.. what fits with me.. what I need from other people.. what I tend to do when I get scared in relationships.. what i tend to do when i fall for them..
Im still learning about me.
Im still exploring other people. wanting to experience all degrees of love and intimacy...

Yet I miss a LOT of things.. being alone out here..
I don't need a whole lot. I am not high maintenance.
I suppose I am needy in that I do need to be touched. I do need attention. I do need to be appreciated and acknowledged.
I need that hug from behind.. being safe in someone else's arms.
I need to be able to laugh.
I need to be able to go to sleep and know that in the morning they will still be there.
I need to know that they will pick up the tab sometimes. That even though I will buy them random stuff to make them smile.. figure out their favorite treats and foods and animals and sprinkle their life with little surprises, that they will still remember me.
They will at least occasionally remember me in their lives.. let me know they remember me.. by randomly calling, texting, bringing back a story or treat that made them think of me...
I need spontaneity and fun.. same ol' same ol' bore me and push me away.
If you do flirt or talk with other pretty girls (which is any other girl than me) come back to me after and let me know its still me you want... touch my hand, hug me, quick kiss, anything to show me im yours, not her. because I do get scared that others will take you
I need the physical intimacy as well.. I need not go into details..
I don't need chocolates ... I dont need flowers... I dont need diamond and jewelry.... I am NOT that kind of girl...
I just need to know that I am yours.. that you want me.. that you need me..
I just need to be constantly stimulated with excitement, unusual, fun.. I am a gemini.. i get bored easy and its not that I WANT to get bored with you. its just that I get easily distracted...
I need you to push me.. I give up easy. give in easy.. get scared.. I need to know that you care enough to take my hand (not necessarily literally) and guide me, lead me... be there for me in case i fall on my face
I need to learn from you... sometimes you don't even need to do anything.... but I want to grow and learn.. about life.. about me.. about you.. about the world.. about anything..
I need a song.. think of a song that reminds you of me.. or of our relationship... thats one way for me to think about you a lot.. I LIVE for music and every time that song comes on I am swallowed up with the memories and emotions and the essence of YOU..

Love is a lot about vulnerability.. putting yourself out there.. letting go of many things.. taking the chance.. letting down your guard..leaving your comfort zone.. sliding into their reality, their world, their thoughts-or at least meet halfway.. allowing a side of you to show that you dont normally show.. letting the other person into your world.. into your body.. THAT is a scary thing for me.. but i am willing.. sometimes all too willing..

I do hate being alone.. It is not fun.. it makes me feel empty...
And I have this problem... Whenever I meet a new guy, I always weigh the possibilities.. get swept away in my thoughts and hopes.. deny reality (as usual)... and hope for the best..
That is my problem.. I deny reality. I live in my dreams. I live in my hopes. I want SOO badly to believe that I deny what is so blatant and in my face..
Like... I wanted to have something SO badly a bit ago, I let myself fall for someone who didn't want ME. he just wanted "someone". He wanted to play. I suppose I didn't mind the playing, but I don't think I am all that good at playing without getting feelings involved.
I fall hard fast. I get swept away in the euphoria that someone, SOMEONE, is paying attention to me
I trust everyone too easy and end up getting hurt even worse than if I would have kept to myself.. or maybe the experience was worth it.. the only problem is i DONT LEARN from those situations and they continue again and again.

Im just blabbering now..
I couldn't sleep because I had this thought bubble and it was marinating and bouncing in my mind and I had to let it go.. and this is it..
I just wish i could be more eloquent.. though it is 3:45 in the morning and im only half awake..

I just am wanting more from life right now than what it seems to be offering.. which is why im moving to Asheville.. hopefully i will find something or someone there..

I will leave you with a request...
What do you think is the most romantic song? the sweetest song? the song that moves you?
I am curious.. I will get back to you with mine..