Blah Blah sorry

Okay.
More of this.
Nooo idea what to do.
My mom is especially taking it hard. The only way she unwinds is with some wine.. not the best way.. but it works for her.. she just gets.. cranky.. i guess.
Every time i paint or cook or cut up magazines to create collages or even play the guitar, she has something to say "so messy"... "look at this mess!" .... "I spend all my life.." .... "careful!" .... and her sighs of exasperation... No wonder I don''t feel motivated. I tried tonight, but she did her sighs and whatnot.. kept asking when the movie (that I chose because I thought it would be a fun movie for us) was going to end.. Nope...
--Though she just did come in, giving me a hug and apologizing.. I do love her...

she is going through a hard time though. I feel for her. I do not hold it against her, but it still makes me feel sad.. and bad... and I question WHY I chose to do that..



It is strange though.. word keeps getting back to me that people all think i am the happiest person they know.. or the silliest.. or nicest... or whatever. That is just a word to me. They don't know me. I would much rather remember me in memories than in words...
As in..
"Oh! Penny!/Dana! We were out one night and she .. . "
rather than
"Oh! Dana!/Penny! She is such a nice girl!"
It means so much more to me that way.



I suppose being with people is my escape... being with people that are genuinely interested in me and WANT to be with me. At the visitation today, there were a few of those, but they all acted so sad. It was all a blur to me though. I know i talked to a LOT of people. If you asked me who, i could not tell you who they were.

Halloween fun last year :] well... i suppose it was 2 Halloweens ago... Julea and Victoria and I haunted the streets... I poured honey on everybody.. in their mouths and on their beards..



I suppose i am a memorable person. Not sure why. I try to figure out what it is about me that people like.. that people see... that makes people remember me.. no one has really given me a straight explanation..



I suppose that is what i am doing... finding myself... please don't give up on me.... as i said, i don't know how to reach out to people. I deny my need for help. Mostly because i cant think of what anyone could do.. also because i hate being a burden on people.. everyone has their own problems, I would hate to make them worry about me too... I hate being a bother.. I also tend to have rather high expectations that are dashed quite quickly by reality.

Krystle- I just want to thank you so much. You may not realize it, but i really appreciate your support in all of this :] It means a lot.

Mouse Party!

Mouse Party!!!

Wow... I never knew...
The University of Utah's Genetics Research people created this fun little interactive website... Lots of mice that just had a party and are coping with the after effects... You can see what certain drugs can do to your(the mice's) brain and how they affect the rest of the body...

Actually is pretty interesting.. Thanks Neatorama!

Just say NO to drugs.,,,,?

On another note,
I happened upon this jewel..

Focus on Hallucinogens: It's a book from 1991 and out of print. It explains to 9-year-olds the negativities of Hallucinogens... andddddd its scientific to boot!

I must say... Some of the pages do not necessarily turn me off.. but definitely do peak my interest..

More Kyle

nothing.
Absolutely nothing.
that is how i feel.

Why? Why can't I? I was at the visitation today. I was the only one who really laughed.. I don't know why. I dont think i was necessarily TRYING hard to be funny.. I was just saying whatever came to my mind as usual.

I was the crazy sister of the boy who just died who was wandering around the room spinning and chatting with people about random things and laughing...

It was quite an experience though when no one was talking to me. I kept seeing things out of the corner of my eye... finger pointing... hushed whispers with their hands over their mouths to keep people from lip-reading.. hugs.. tears..

No one knows what to say. Neither do i. No one knows what to do. Neither do i. I wish i could cry. I wish i could feel. The only time when i have really felt much lately is when i am with Dan. I can pretty much escape everything and just be.



Here, there is all kinds of food. I am scared to walk near the kitchen, but I always do.. I am scared to go near the food, but i always do. I am scared to take a bit, but i always do.. and then some..
Everyone keeps telling me that it is how they express their love and sadness and grief and whatnot.
I understand that. That is how they cope. I cope by eating.... I guess... ? I feel vacant.. empty.. but food is not a good filler.

I need to leave here. I sooo want to leave here. I want to go back to Tuscaloosa. But then i would feel guilty for leaving my parents behind. I want to be with people that make me smile.. that I care about.. that i can escape with.. Julea.. Dan... anyone..



Here it is all reality.. all the time... and it is not fun. I have no friends here that i can run to.
At the same time, I hesitate to call anyone because I don't want to bother them. They have their own lives. I do not know how to reach out to people.. what to say... how to describe the fact that I have not cried.. that I sometimes smile for some reason when i tell people that my brother died. I certainly do NOT feel happy. It is just weird to say.. weird to hear myself say that he is dead. Their reactions...










And i had all these plans to save myself from this situation.. to prevent myself from this.. but they all have gone KAPUT! No more. No motivation to paint.. or sew.. or cut out magazine pictures for a collage.. no movies.. no nothing. And it sucks. Big time.