some thoughts..while listening to Iron and Wine..

Iron and Wine "Boy With a Coin"
...this song makes me dance...

I want to dance to the drums
and be swept away by the guitar

I want to gaze at the art on the walls
and see what I want to see in them
not what you're SUPPOSED to see

i want to drift to sleep to music floating through my mind
and wake up to someone crawling into bed with me

I want to touch peoples lives
but not hurt so much when i have to leave
and they dont seem to care

i want to play and dance and be me
and not have to constantly compare myself in my mind
to all the prettier, skinnier, more liked girls around me

I want to not hesitate so much
and have more confidence in myself

I want to create a beautiful mess
with corn syrup and food coloring
or any other form of colorful chaos



I want people to say what they mean
and mean what they say

I want someone to eat cheese with
or cheesy fries
or cheesy tots
because my ED wont let me eat them by myself

I want to sink my feet deep into the sands of the beaches in Thailand
and smell the spices and sweat wafting through the air
and hear the pandemonium around me

I want to go to on a safari in Africa
see the vastness of the savannah
see the dusty emptiness
and look for animals
as i looked for Waldo as a child

I want to go to Italy
learn to bake their bread
on a stove oven
hot, fresh, crusty and soft


Iron and Wine "Dark Eyes"
..another song that makes me move...

I want to road trip with the windows down
blasting the music and laughing
stopping at random places
no time restraint
no expectations
and not have to drive the whole time
and ALLOW myself eat the random fun foods we happen across

I want to go to the Taj Mahal
and see the epitimy of love
standing tall and proud and beautiful
for all to see

I want to not be alone anymore
make superficial friendships
and then hide away
when they get too close to me
beacuse i cry too easy
because i hurt to easy
beacuse i get attatched too easy
and want it so bad
but wont ever let myself have it

I want to meet someone at a bar
and go home with them
let myself do it
just once
to say i did

I want to keep beleiving the good in all people
and learn that its true
that people really do care
that people really don't like to hurt people
emotionally
physically
sexually

I want to stop wanting
and start doing...

.
Iron and Wine "Each Coming Night"

forgot a song~:)

one more song..
to get your heart pumping...

bagpipes... soo intense..

Kyo.. AND songs for the moment..

Explosions in the Sky "Your Hand In Mine"
.. reminds me of Kyle.. i usually listen to music when i sleep.. i woke up this morning.. this music playing.. not knowing where i was and tangled in the pure white sheets of my uncles guest bed..
I miss Kyo... i really do.. as mean and horrible and after al that he did to me..
i still love him
and i forgive him
we will think of you.. our first Christmas without you.. only 14 months older than me.. after 4 long years of cancer.. you were soo strong.. i got scared for you soo much.. it snapped me out of my stupid ED.. realized how selfish i was..
not eating for the sake of making myself feel pretty.. better about myself.. and it only made me spiral worse downhill and hole myself up further away from living and life and people that potentially care.. i didn't LET anyone care.. i wouldn't let anyone in
...which is why its so scary for me to do it now..
i want it so bad.. but i realize now why i protected myself so much
it was safe to be so seperated from others.. holed up in my room-staring contest at the box of cereal,.. knowing that if i did open it i would devour it all.. food does not fill the void.. never has.. never will
yet i find myself still craving it more and more.. i used to AVOID it all at all costs.. now i try to fill the void with the foods.. but only feel even more shitty..
Kyo's death jolted me back to reality though.. made me start living.. and i started FINALLY living this January/Febuary..
first boyfriend ever.. first relationship.. first everything.. then Aaron-the tattoed drummer that ran 2 blocks after me to invite me to his show-introduced me to the green goodness in February.. then March my 2nd bf introduced me to alcohol.. and to how it can change people into scariness.. and then the letting go even more.. exploring more.. getting hurt more.. learning more.. healing more.. teetering between hiding away to keep safe and not hurt anymore and getting OUT there.. meeting new people.. putting myself in situations i would never imagine myself to be in.. meeting people that inspire me to do things i never thought i could (thank you Harayz)
sometimes i do think i want a relationship.. love.. etc. but i find that i also have ADD/SUPER gemini and get distracted easy.. bored easy.. seduced easy.. and dont want to get into something and then get distracted.. though that doesnt mean i still want someone to want me.. and i was fine.. for a short time with Dan.. and with Kevin.. though poor thing isnt doing too well now.. though he IS trying..

anyway.. some quote i heard one time floats to my mind..

sometimes people put up walls-not to keep other people out-but to see who cares enough to break them down



Tracy Chapman "Give Me One Reason"


:Mario Kart Love Song:
... goes along with my tattoos.. :) i just need to add more to the scene with yoshi..
but actually.. a beautiful song..


"touch me" Cast of Spring Awakening
//STILL love this song.. about touching and orgasms and experimenting and the beauty of it al.. getting lost in the moment..
ha~ thanks to Emily BooKS and Laura Lazar.. ohh how i wish we could hookah again.. like old times..


"Wagon Wheel" Old Crow Medicine Show
always a favorite.. fun.. round the campfire type of song..


Matt Nathanson "I Saw (Acoustic)"
(the song doesnt actually start until 1:30.. but forward to the song if you have to.. its preTTy)
what amazing lyrics~ i love going to sleep dreaming of this~ :)