..
and its failing..

Today is a new day.
soon to be a new year i suppose.
and here i am
still alone
but atleast i am OUT
well.. its only across the street at a coffee shop...
but still .

I am at this point where I sway back and forth quite rapidly.. extremely..

1. I am big.. I need to exercise.. get rid of it all.. thats how i can pass the time.. focus on something that will gain me results.. just stay in my own little safe wold.. where I am out and about.. working or walking until around 5:30 or 6.. come home.. pop in a dance video and attempt to follow them in my clumsiness (falling behind/down too many times to count) or some sort of work out video for a good 40-60 minutes.. then heat up the ramen noodles.. dump out most of all the noodles.. eat/drink the broth.. read until 7:30 or 8.. crawl under the covers.. watch a movie.. fall asleep
over and over.. no threat to my eating.. no threat of being rejected or unwanted or fat or sloozy or whatnot

2. WHAT aM i thinking? you only live once? GO OUT to the bar tonight.. its new years.. at least order a drink if you are too scared to order a real meal.. see what happens.. at least you can say you didnt stay in all night.. At least you attempted.. not that just sitting there is going to get you anywhere.. suck it up.. chat with people.. it has never not worked before.. I AM GOOD AT MEETING PEOPLE.. just not CATCHING them.. just not following through.. if they seem friendly-INVITE them somewhere for further chat.,, stop wearing those same old warm safe clothes.. put on those new jeans.. that new shirt.. rock their world.. you know you can.. you have a job starting next week- Training for 3 weeks and starting the 25th you will have your own classroom of 8 kids.. they trust you. they respect you.. they believe in you.. you are going to do home visits.. advocate for those children.. etc.

now my finds are tight.. i am used to having that $5,000 CD account to fall back on.. but it isnt there anymore.. so if i run out its NOTHING. after i pay rent come next week i am down to $1,000... but THEN AGAIN.. I will be making 9.50 an hour for training (3 weeks.. 8 hours a day.. 5 days a week) and then the 25th i will be making 10.25 an hour when i become the officail teacher and my kids come to me.

its all rather overwhelming.. the trust.. the everything.. since i am the first one they picked.. and i met my boss today and we had good laughs. .i get to help at least SET UP the classroom since she has already bought hte supplies. I want a bubble machine.
there are so many licensing regulations. .rules.. restrictions.. procedures..
but i am keeping optimistic..
went to the library and checked out many books.

now im sitting here in the coffee shop.. lounging on the comfy couch.. hoping someone interesting will come through for me to pull next to me to chat..
i dont want to do nothing anymore.. ESPECIALLY on New Years Eve

I was going to babysit for this family that i gave my number to from the YMCA. 2 days ago they were still considering.. yesterday i never got to talk to them because when they came to drop off their sons AND when they picked them up I was busy reading stories to a gaggle of children and wasn't able to free myself in time to ask.

but i want life to happen again.
REAL bad
i just dont know where to find it.
i used to be so good with people

And I am so scared of being away from JP for so long.. last time i was gone from someone i loved (Kevin) things fell apart.. i need to be near.. i need to feel.. to touch. to hug.. to be assured.. to have fun with..
I was going to buy him a plane ticket to come up and visit next week. but he seems hesitant.. due to $$.. i cant really spare the $300 to fly him back here.. I suppose i can.. but do i want to?
I have helped him out soo much financially in the past.. cant he make an effort to spend a little money to make me happy? if he has to hesitate.. to think.. to pause.. then its not worth it. . . i guess. . .

and i wonder when i walk by the hairdresser.. if when they see some slop walk by (me.. probably) do they cringe and think of all the different things they could do with that person.. or all of the things that are wrong with that person?

and now some little kid sat next to me and started chatting..

here we goo..

maybe he has a daddy...

soo coold
and alone
and lonely
and same as always
but getting worse
I dont know how i can make it to JAnuary 4th to start the new job.. let alone the 4 months without him

BUT
last night..
after breaking down and crying in the depths of despair for a good 45 minutes.. I popped in some Pilates video.. and started MOOOVING
and felt better.. and then fell asleep
and then woke up.. did it again. . and now im still doing okay for now. cleaned the apartment as much as i could considering how small it is.. saving my grapefruit for a little later.. finishing up my mug of cocoa.. its 12:30 almost and SUPPOSEDLY have a friend on the way from Tuscaloosa.. I got a text from him last night saying he was making the trek today.. after canceling last week..
so
im a little nervous since i dont know him too well..
but happy that someone is willing to hang out with me for a bit :)

I have been calling/texting JPs sister, Amanda and their family a lot the past couple days.. feeling that deep sense of lonliness.. wishing i were there.. they care.. they hug.. they may not DO a whole lot.. but its PEOPLE. .its HUGS. .its "family".. (i did live with them for a good part of this past year..

Everythings closed today.. rains a fallin. .no where to go.. just wait for him to arrive i suppose and pop out the Scrabble :)

JP called briefly last night.. his service is bad so i didnt get to talk much.. but hes out with 5 New Yorkians that are Jewish in the middle of the Everglades and apparently they are quite rude and getting on his nerves.. poor thing.. alone out there on Christmas eve.. more alone than me i suppose since he is with people that dont appreciate him..
i dont know
i want him to come back
anyway
the heater isnt working too well either.. so i find myslef huddled against the heater as much as i can.. pressing the CONNECT button to the internet.. since the connections sketchy.. slow and always kicks me off..
so when i dont have access ot the internet.. thats my connection to the world.. to potential warmth from others.. from researching..
OH!
97% chance i will get to be an actual TEACHER of an Early Head STart classroom (2 year olds) come January.. since she thinks i am sweet, gentle and portray a lovingness that little ones would be drawn to whereas if i were in the 4 year old classroom the kids would be a lot harder to handle
thats fine with me
i would love to have my own kids :)
even if htey are 2 years old

Today was no good
YMCA was busy with kids being let out of hte house for the first time in 3 days.. lots of fights and non sharing and wildness.. then to URgent care for a physical only to learn there was a 3 hour wait.. so i went to the health center to get the TB test checked off saying that i was good.. no TB for me.. BACK to Urgent Care.. waited 2 hours.. only to learn that they couldn't sign the papers because when i got the card/result from the TB test the lady forgot to date it.. so i have to go ?BACK to the health center tomorrow.. get them to sign off on the date.. go BACK to Urgent care.. have them complete the physical papers.. then back to Head Start to turn in all the papers and complete whatever else they need.. then to work at 3:30..
I was supposed to wrok at noon tomorrow but the girl called, asking if she could take my shift since i took her shift saturday cuz she couldnt get her car out of her driveway due to snow.. at first i said no.. I DO need the money. and then i felt horrible.. so i said she could do noon-3:30..
and then i wandered down to the grocery store to buy laundry detergent.. only to get a call from some lawyers of JP's.. I had to pay a bill for him a couple weeks ago.. but it turns out i read the numbers on the check wrong.. so the check got sent back to them.. so i had to re-read the numbers.. realized that YEs INDEED I AM DySLEXIC.. mistaking a 1 for a 6.. only to learn that they and to add on $40 for the bounced check.. I burst into hysterical tears in the store.. and walked home defeated in the chilly night air..
plus got the electric bill for $85.. and had to pay $50 for the physical plus $15 for the TB test..
money goes down the drain quite quickly
and its getting to me
now am doing my laundry in the machines in the building for $1.25 to wash and 1.75 to dry..
down down down
emotionally.. financially
when is this going to start going uphill? or at least level out?

such wide mood swings... woke up defeated... got out for a walk.. music brought me up.. made me smile as i slipped, slid and trudgd through the snowy ice.. played with charlie, painted and chatted at work.. came home.. did well at first.. but the nothingness got to me.. got excited-called JP only to have him pretty mch ignore every time i mentioned how i was thinking of him-what i would do to him when were together again... he talked about there-worj, weather, how he had no food.. shut out, let down i got off the phone in tears. went for the voldka and cranked up the solemn music.. and here i am in bed at 8:45 at night..
obviously hes preoccupied... obviously i have no life.. but its hard not to think about how hes content wthout me as he ignores my offer to buy him a ticket to come see m,e and instead he goes on to tell me how he can get 700 for team driving the kayaks up to WA.. and how it would work out if i came the last couple days he was there so i could drive his car back..

MEANWHILE
paintings are filling up the kitchenas i lean the finished products against the walls to admire and move on...8 total so far..
more to come..!?!?
yes

again.. snow day.. though it didnt snow..
i allowed myself to lay down.. finish a movie.. and have an actual BREAKFAST..
the plan was to go for a long walk.. take pictures of the snow. hope that the thrift stores were open.. pop into the library to refresh my books and movies since it would be closed tomorrow
I had just reached the end of Main STreet.. browsing through Mast General STore when i got the call to go into work..
disappointed i couldn't go on my planned walk..
that i would not get that exercise..
that fresh air
when it was so beautifully sunny out

but i packed up my paints, my big plywood slices.. my computer.. the library books/movies (the plan was to escape once things slowed to the library.. get rid of old.. replenish the new...)
and i painted away
and painted
and people kept coming as soon as i had my heart and mind set on going.. as i was turning out the lights and closing up shop-2 times.. people kept coming in..
it wasnt all that bad.. i got to talk to people.. i got to socialize to a degree.. i got to work.. i got to paint..
but no new movies.. no walk.. no exercise.. no
and JP is still happy as ever.. at dinner with his co-worker.. laughing and joking
and i still sad and lonely
just one friend
is all i need.. is that too much to ask?
how do i find someone?

i have this plan.. in my hopes.. to suggest to JP that he come HERE when he gets off the waters on the 31st.. supposedly he has a week off.. and supposedly its going to be boring, etc.
so. ,,, why not come herE? play with me.. we can go visit his freind in Boone.. i can have my happy again.
but im also scared to suggest it that he will cross out the idea. "too expensive" or whatnot
i really dont care if i have to buy the ticket..
does it matter at all that i want HIM..
is that such a ridiculous request?

TODAY
was a snow day
should be a happy day!
snow!
beauty!
snowflakes!
piling up!
time to make snow men.. snowball fights.. warming up with cocoa.. sledding..
but i have this way
lately
of making everything hard
I went to the YMCA for my job.. only to learn that the ChildWatch (child care) was closed.. since SCHOOLS were closed.. so the Y closed their child care..
so
i went back home
got antsy
called JP and started crying by the sound of his voice
he sounds so happy... so content.. so excited about his new job
and that is a good thing
and sometimes i am able to be excited for him
but
all i can think of is how far away he is.. and how long it will be until i see him.. and how much happier he seems now than when he was with me
(even though the reason why he wasnt content here is because he had nothing to do.. and was stressed about going to the Everglades because information was sketchy and he had no idea basically what he was getting into...)
so its obvious that he is going to be happier.. all that stress gone.. now that he knows what hes getting into.. he has a place (before his co-staff was saying stuff like "I think i might have got a place pinned down it may be around 300-600 a month.." etc. so we didnt know what exactly that meant..)
and he lives right on the main drag (which isnt saying much since it is Everglades city.. the size of a postage stamp) surrounded by palm trees.. and always goes on about how hott it is.. the animals.. the kayaking hes going to do.. etc.
and it makes me sad that i dont get to be with him when hes happy
and that im stuck back here in the cold working to get back the money that i spent on him (well.. for the past couple months it had been more for "us" than "him") so that if i DID want to leave.. i could afford it
Too much free time..
in fact i have this quote..

The only way to avoid being miserable is not to have enough leisure to wonder whether you are happy or not. - George Bernard Shaw

i had the whole day
and keep remembering how nice it was to have him to calm me down.. with him there it was "okay" for me to lay down and watch a movie during the day.. alone.. i dont deserve it.. i guess? .. i haven't earned the right to relax and lay down since i hadnt DONE anything yet...
So.. i trekked out in the snow.. went on a journey.. with shoes that were NOT AT ALL Adequate for snow.. and no jacket only a sweatshirt which got pretty soaked quite quickly..
i went to the ABC store.. browsed the aisles of liquer.. debating on if i should go for cheap, flavor, curiosity, nostalgia or random? i ended up somewhat splurging on a $19 bottle of Absolute PEach..
and then wandered by the thirft stores hoping one would be open so i could atleast buy tennis shoes or a coat.. none were open..
wandered to Harris Teeter for hot cocoa (and free samples)
then to Rite Aid for a back up reserve of cigarettes.. just in case i felt like i needed some quick head rush.. i guess..

then back home
to play Wii Fit..
to watch Candy
Candy
that movie.. reminds me so much of JP and I.. just the way they love each other.. need each other.. rely on each other.. except we are also QUITE different in many ways than those two.. but the point is, i related to it.. i cried.. for me.. for JP.. for the couple on the movie.. for my want to escape in a bad kind of way

then later on i went for a walk in the snow.. at night.. VERY cold.. and wet cuz i had no other shoes.. nor did i have another pair of pants (excpet for my flare jeans which would have gotten even more soaked than the ones that were already wet)
the snow is deep now
it has stopped falling for the most part.. and is at that eerie time of night.. the stillness.. pure white below.. grayish brownish black clouds form the ceiling.. and the town is deserted..

and now im back
and even tho its been a long, lonely day..
i havent opened the drink.. and only 1 cigarette-which i didnt even finish-and it was the "short" kind..

but i still have 2 more days.. Saturday and Sunday.. and my cars snowed in.. and besides that, the Anti Lock Brakes are on the verge of falling apart.. so i dont think i should drive much..
and im stuck
i did stop by the neighbors across the hall to drop off a couple donuts that i bought from the bakery in order to bribe people to come visit (didnt work) .. they are nice.. just chillin, watching Family Guy.. i kind of wanted to stay.. but the overbearing smell of cigarette smoke made me retreat quite quickly

and so tomorrow is another day of nothing
so i paint again
so i Wii again
so i read some
so i watch a movie (If i decide that i am "allowed")

I Want to just get over all of this
i dont know where i turned
i used to be so happy.. so care free
now .. everything seems so ....sooooo,.... hard.. so much work.. so out of reach..
and i keep eating to fill that void.. the sadness.. the loneliness.. the JP being gone.. the no friends.. food is a friend. it is there. it makes me feel good (at first at least) its pleasurable. it fills me up
but really
what i need/want to be filled up with is satisfaction with life.. filled up with friends.. filled up with LIFE..
.......

i just feel so wholesomely lost
alone
scared

And just like that
hes gone
for 4 months
leaving me with no supoprt.. no friends..
but hey.. at least i have 2 jobs.. which will change in January when i start with Head STart.. she claims she can promise 5 days a week 8-2 or 3..
but whenever i am in there.. the Head STart i get the strangest vibe.. like confinement..
i suppose i need to give it a chance
i just need friends
but whenever he leaves.. i have no motivation.. no effort left over to try to make friends.
i guess it doesnt help that i am working a lot.. or if i am not i am with him.
and now hes gone
and i have all this free time
and no one to come home to
no hug
no movies
no shared meals or snacks.
instead i come home to an empty apartment.. decently warm in one room.. frigid in the other.. and in the bathroom..

but my parents came Satruday.. dropped off my Christmas presents since I wont be going with them to Seattle for Christmas. :(
I opened them up already... to my joy it was a Wii!! So now i have a Wii.. Wii fit..
which is fun
but
today
no
its not

The studio is fun when people are there.. but the hours are long when no one is there.. YMCA--i go there for the kids.. finding myself attached to them. . looking forward to certain ones.. preparing myself and the room for others.. but no structure.. no challenge.. becomes old quickly

my money is low
due to him and to the stupid emotional vampire that is in jail now and wanted me to bail him out for $2,200.. NO
he has done NOTHING for me but make me cry.. bring me down.. manipulate.. trick.. take my money with NO conscience..

and i wonder how happy can i really be here?
How can i make friends?
If only one of the restaurants will hire me.. that will open me up to a new group of people..
whenever i went in to apply to be a waitress.. there were plenty of people my age.. that acted interested in me.. that seemed interesting..

instead i came home today
had a slice of toast with peanut butter.. called him.. no answer.. grew restless.. had some ice cream.. went to the bathroom.. went on the computer... ate half a box of Honeycomb.. went to the bathroom.. and now
now what?

Well..
long time.. no post
so here goes
quick recapp
Still working at the studio.. LOVING when people come in.. enjoying cleaning.. organizing.. sweeping.. refilling.. when no ones there.. its like my 2nd home
Still working at the Y in the mornings.. loving the kids.. getting to know them.. their genuine happy smiles when they see me as the door opens.. a couple even come straight to me for a hug before they play.. getting better at setting my foot down-consequences.. making them apologize to each other when one throws blocks at another.. trying to instill the concept of SHARING and if not taking the toy away.. "practicing" for Head Start..
Still waiting on Head Start.. The background check comes in sometime this week.. then the will take me in for a couple days of "substitute" work so they can observe and see if i work well with the kids.. if i know what i am doing
which i do
i am 99% sure.. but still nervous..

And if that doesnt work out i think i might run away again.
New Orleans.. Portland.. Austin..

I just cant be satisfied. i dont know why. I SHOULD be content. 2 wonderful jobs... coming home to my bf every night/day... plenty of time off to do whatever..

And JP has been helping me out a lot in the food department.. i used to be terrified of bagels.. they were what we ate at the treatment center when we knew we had to gain a certain amount of weight by the next day.. so therfore bagels=weight gain to me
even though i used to LOVE them
and now... now he has atleast one every night.. and I started off denying any bites.. and then i started taking a bite when he offered.. remembering how DELICIOUS they were.. now i can safely and sanely take a forth of one..
and chicken dishes.. Hes gotten me to eat chicken again.. we shared a 10 peice of Chicken nuggets the other day.. (i had 2)
hes heling me be more assertive... saying no.. trying not to let people walk all over me.. feeeling good about myself..

but every time i have a day off and its beautiful he has some ailment.. a migrane.. sore from rock climbibng the day before.. etc.

and then there is this emotional vampire.. this guy.. it started off i gave him some money to buy me something.. he never came back.. He promised to pay me back.. he just needed $50 to get access to it and hed pay me back everything he owed.. and in the endd.. no money for me.. this happened quite a few times..
it is sooo hard... because he seems genuine.. he seems sooo soo very nice,.. he makes me laugh.. he made me dinner once.. he actually seeks me out.. talks ot me.. but he pretty much owes me $300..
so i am giving up on him
the last few times we talked all ic ould do was cry because it rips me apart. I want to help him so bad. but emotionally and financially I cant afford it anymore.
he is one that makes me want to run away from here

and the lingering knowledge that soon i will be without JP for 4 whole months.
its the hugs.. the waking up next to him.. the going to sleep next to him.. the way he has introduced me to soo many new foods that i am becoming comfortable with.. the hugs.. the bringing me down sandwitches when i am working downstairs
(He got me to eat a sandwich.. and as stupid/silly as it sounds.. I havent had a sandwitch since the treatment center nearly 2 years ago.. and he got me to eat one.. cheese, turkey, bread and butter pickle and butterbread.. AMAZING)
and just the emotional support.. walking down to Kilwins to share an ice cream.. renting random documentaries from the library which i most always end up falling asleep..
but 4 months
it terrifies me
will we drift apart?
would it really be all that bad?
is that what is supposed to happen?
I dont . I do love him .
but..

and would be happier here in the beautiful NC? or the ecclectic Portland where I already have 2 friends and am closer to MANY MANY more scattered throughout Washington.. near Crater Lake and the Oregon Coast where i Grew up... Or maybe the dirty, crazy New Orleans that I used to live in that is never boring.. kinda scary.. kinda creepy.. bourbon street.. the ZOO!!!.. interesting people.. parades.. random street performers and music.. voodoo and vampires.. near where i went to treatment once so i could do outpatient there... Or Austin.. beautiful.. hot.. warm.. cowboys.. music.. ..

why do i have to continually question and wonder
why cant i just be happy
WHY do we have the right for the "pursuit of happyness"
why cant we just have the right to happyness
why do we have to puruse happyness
many things do make me happy. exploring the city.. walking in the sunshine.. playingh N64 with freinds.. painting ranomly.. talking to new people.. cooking.. baking.. trying new foods.. rock climbing.. kayaking.. browsing.. eating ice cream..

but money brings me down.. losing it.. spending it.. and i can spend all i want on JP or helping out that friend
but i cant buy MYSLEF new clothes.. or my favoprite ice cream.. or rock climbing equipment.. which is another reason why i cant ever go rock climbing with him
cuz i spend my money on rent. food, him, that other guy, gas, gifts for others.. but i cant even buy myslef a harness nad shoes so that i CAN have a day of happyness.. they would last forever and i could go anytime
but no
i cant "afford" that.. but i CAN afford other thigns that are more expensive that arent for me

i need a therapist still
sooner the better.

hmm..
broken down again
i keep getting my hopes up.. expectations high,.. ready for fun.. nad then something happens and it all crashes to the ground
or i mess it up unconscously
or i get distracted by some other opportunity.. thinking it might be a better way to go because it has better pay.. is more stable.. more directed toward kids..
(I got a call from Head Start.. interested.. I go to visit their school Monday to observe and see if it fits with what i want to do.. then comes hte interveiw.. then etc.)
so..
Head Start.
good pay... good credentials.. solid.. my own group of kids that come by every day.. helping out kids that otherwise wouldnt get the help they needed.. nurturing the kids that dont get that kind of love at home-because their parents arent able due to work-NOT that their parents dont want to...
but i am not good at disciplining children.. though i have gotten better at ChildWatch at YMCA.,, i get nervous when there is another adult there.. thinking they are watching-critiquing-noticing everything im doing wrong.. so much structure.. so much responsibility
... i think i can do it.. i know ican... its only 6-3 or 7:30-4:30d.. $9.50-$11/hour.. 10 months out of the year.. pay for further education
the more i think about it.. it sounds like the smarter route to go

but i will miss the studio so much if i do go that route
the busy days when people come in and i get to sit and chat and mingle and inspire and help create..
and Carina has been sooo sooo good to me
i am not giving up hope yet.
i am just scared that i cant live off of what i will make at the studio.. and no time off to rock climb.. play.. etc.
but i will be kept busy which is what i love.. and i will get to be creative.. talk to all kinds of people from all walks of life and all marks of the totem pole.

then i wonder
if i made a mistake coming here
JP left today after being here a week (?) i think
(to check in on the family.. to avoid having to mooch off of me.. to make some money.. etc.)
and i was all off kilter all day
eating eating eating getting sick
calling my mom and dad for a good 2 hours
crying when i thought of having to wait 4 months when he finally does leave in December

and then i think of Christmas and how i wont get to go to seattle to visit my family (most likely)
and Thanksgiving when i wont have time off to go home beacuse my parents are taking a week long trip to visit my little brother up in New York
and i cant get ahold of anyone i know in Asheville to pass the time this weekend when i actually DO have time off.

i need to learn patience
not to rush things
to enjoy
i dont need to eat all of the cCapn Crunch tonight.. it will still be there tomorrow and taste JUST as good (or even better since after the 1st bowl it is more of a uncontrollable punishment;/gluttonous thing or so it seems)

"Everythings gonna to be alright~Everythings goinna be alright~Everythings gonna be alright~everythings gonna be alright~.."


"Emancipate yourselves from mental slavery~None but ourselves can free our minds."

"Don't worry about a thing,-'Cause every little thing is gonna be all right!"

......No wonder they call Bob Marley a legend...

Super excited about the prospect of owning the studio... taking it over... loving it.. working it..
And i would love to keep Carina around to help me out when I needed
money issues scare me
overwhelming

i need to see who has money to spare... to help me.. so i can SLOWLY make my way to owning the whole thing

I can imagine the capacity of work
the hours to be put in
the phone calls to schools and so much more
working all the time at the studio
loading and unloading the kiln
pottery wheel to use at my own convenience..
working with customers.. making them feel welcome.. chatting it up..
networking

pretty much married to the business
but
it would keep me busy
i would get to see it grow with what i do
and have Carina to go to for help when i need it

i cant wait to start working full time
seeing what it really takes
reassure myself that i love it

its just that i will spend years paying off a loan... until i finally pay it off will i begin to actually profit..
but
i want it
badly

i am happy though
living with Carina
i spent soo long on the wheel last night.. centering.. getting messy..
LOVE it
playing with Orlando
always having someone to talk to
a mentor
support system

still waiting for my apartment
waiting to make my life happen
though it is happening now.. i just feel like i am coasting at the moment.. in that timewarp.. holding off..
and for JP to come to me
and
PATIENCE is needed
i love it here
i need to learn to commit.

WHY am i so attached to him?
I feel so sad and empty...
is it because i am home?
is it beacuse he isnt with me?
Orrr
the fact that the apartment i have my heart set on wont be ready for who knows how long.. the girl cant seem to find a new place to move into.. i guess.. she keeps waiting for credit checks and whatnot to go through.... and is checking on a new place sunday
i just want to move in
i just want him with me
i just want to work
i just want everything to be alright again


and my parents want me to go back to school
and im nervous about this pottery studio thingie.. wanting it bad but scared that its not the right path
keep thinking of how much fun i had wotking at the zoo. and and childrens museums. and how good it felt to work in the hospital as i was working to be a child life specialist
but the zoo- i try.. no one hires me
childrens museums- no openings.. or no one will hire
child life - would have to go back to school.. or at least take a certification exam.. PLUS there is little to no work available..

so off i go
to get my 5,000 out of my CD account at one bank.. deposit it in another..
head to hendersonville to stay with Carina and babysit her lovely little one..
and wait
for my apartment to be open (i have been looking for others but there simply are not any)
wait
to see if i like working with the studio
wait
to see if i can be happy.. or at least satisfied with life

It was soo pretty up in the mountains
and chilly too
and all of everything came back to me
all the happy times at talisman
the pottery studio
living in Flat Rock
playing it up at the irish bar/pub
the place is so pretty that i might move into
right in downtown.. on main street
just waiting for the girl to move out
waiting for confirmation on the job at the YMCA
going to take it slowly in terms of deciding if i want tot ake over the business
whatever happens happens
i just want it to start

Soon enough i will be out of here
i am so much more than ready
we were supposed to head out today.. spend the night with a friend of his in Spartanburg so we would be closer for my interveiw and for when i babysit. but the way things went last night i couldnt get to sleep and he wasnt ready to sleep-too busy doing-finishing what he got.
I told him too
i told him that there was no way we were going to make it anywhere because we would sleep too late
which got him mad because that would mean he was wrong.. i guess
but we woke up at 2:30
thats a new record
i dont like living like this.
i almost went home today
but it as already 3 or so by the time i decided.. which would get me in at 8..
and i didnt feel like spending the entire day driving.

I am soo ready to go
it gets harder and harder to get out of bed.. not knowing what the day is going to bring.. if is he soing to be oka with watching tv.. if he has some scheme. if he is going to pass out on me..
and we stay up soo late.. even though i am past the point of tired at around midnight.. he is NOT at all.. so i try so hard to stay awake to keep him company.. "I wish we had something to do" he would say.. i would think, YEA LIKE GO TO SLEEP

= I AM going to start off with him moving in with me.. but if things dont get better i am sending him back home. I DO need him but it hurts so much and i hate seeing him drugged up and

Last night he passed out at 8, i tried to wake him up multiple times. started crying because i was sick of being lonely. I had no where t go since i was too late to drive home, his parents were asleep upstairs. I was in NO mood to watch tv or read. I wanted HIM.. AWAKE.. so i kept crying.. went back adn forth from the back porch listening to music and back to him. Wishing that when he woke up he would come find me and feel bad. but i knew that when he woke up he wouldn't come looking for me. He would look around.. see that i was not there.. be like "whatever" and go do it again..
so when i finally woke him up he started getting pissed off "Alyways crying, your always crying. what is it this time." and then he locked himself in the bathroom saying he had to go to o the bathroom. I told him he was a liar and to open the door cuz i KNEW what he was doing in there.
He yelled back that he wasn't a liar, sighed that exasperated sigh that means "Im so sick of this/you" and continued doing what he was doing.
i left to go outside
came back in because i couldn't take the thought of him thinking me to be a bitch
so i said "im sorry. i was just upset that you were asleep when all i wanted to do was to spend time with you'"
"TO dO whaT?? this?" he asked indicating toward the drugs.
"NO!"
"Then what? to fuck?" he asked in such a DISGUSTED manner. (making me feel as though having sex with me was the last thing he wanted to do)
"No!... I dont know.. to talk.. to watch tv.. to be with me..."
"Whatever" and he shit the door and continued what he was doing..

later he went out to get one more cuz apparently i made him so upset with my crying that i made him lose one pill and i offered to buy him another..
he came back with a pill for me.. and other stuff for us to share
that is NOT the kind of pick me up present i wanted.
cotton candy would have been nice.. strawberries.. an apple. even a rock ont he side of the road.. but no.. he brought back tjis other stuff as a way of making me happy.
i was too tired to say or do anything.
so i got it over with and fell asleep.

now what?
He has this elaborate plan of going up to the mountains.. staying with a friend in Spartanburg,,. a friend in Boone.. and then Hendersonville on our way home.. but we apparently cant do it without "supplies"" and I had nothing to do with those "Supplies" getting gone so quickly.

a nd hes done so much he pukes all the time
and then when he does get the sense to eat its fruit cups and italian ice and pickles. i try to get it through his head that there is NO WAY he is going to gain weight if he eats those things. heneeds peanut butter. ice cream... etc.

meanwhile
i eat
and feel like shit
as usual

Decided
after months of hoping
of waiting
of wishing
to get a job down near where he is
i am done
done looking
done searching
done hoping

and am going home
where I am wanted
to Hendersonville again.

He is back to his same old ways... worse sometimes.. better others..
but i think the WORST is that he has me roped in deep now too.
getting me to like the things he does
getting me to feel that rush
and i love it
and i HATE that
and i need to get away
from him?
get both of us away from this house?
I dont know
but
i know I need to go back to where I was last happy
and things are coming together
I have an apartment garunteed once the girl moves out..
some work back at my pottery studio where I love
plus potential work at the YMCA as a Child Care Aide.. with benefits of free usage of the YMCA.
I am going to clean up
do right
live life the way it is sUPPOSED to be lived
let people into my life
talk to people
and if someone wants to show me how a girl is SUPPOSED to be treated
and i happen to fall for him
is that so wrong?

i am ready to leave

This time.. going back to him was WONDROUS
he was there
the whole time
his sister came to visit for a bit too
we all went to the beach and i played in the waves and played and they knocked me over.. knocked me down.. untied my swimsuit..

Oh yea.. his mom bought me a bikini.
and i actually wore it
and i actually like it
as long as i dont lookin the mirror too long

the beach was soo much fun
the waves were brutal
he came after an hour.. he had to take his dad to the doctor.. and then he came
and he came in the water with me
:)

and every thing he does
every thing he says
the way he looks at me
i can tell
more than ever

and little Taylor came to play
and i LOVE that she cuddles with me on the couch.. or that she made me hold her while we went to the hospital (where we were dropping her off with the grandparents she lives with who were visiting JPs uncle/the grandparents son) and wouldn't let me put her down... and how as soon as she sees me she runs and hugs me to the point she nearly knocks me down

and when i get bored i just walk down to the end of their pier.. crawl up the banister on the end and sit there watching all the boats go by.. wishing i could be on one..
its so peaceful

and we have been watching Breaking Bad. VERY intense show.. its gripping.. captivating.. and seriously.. i get so into it that when it is over.. or we pause it i have to stop and remind myself where i am.. who i am with.. what day it is..

lots of boring times we filled up with fun

and today i woke up so so very sad
which wasnt the best thing.. leaving him when i was sad.. but that was PART of the reason i was sad.

and i feel lazy
but i stil havent done a whole lot about it today

but
HAPPY NEWS
i have a job interview with the Audobon Insectarium in New Orleans October 2nd.
At first i thought it was a phone interview, but it turns out it is a interview i have to GO to..
which isnt necessarily a BAD thing
i just need to recruit someone to come with me
and really..
who WOULDNT want to go to New Orleans?

:)

I am scared to get too excited
scared to get too hopeeful
i have been hurt too much
but i cant help myself

NOTHING but sad

1. I got a call from ATT wireless today...
when i moved out of the cottage in Flat Rock I left the wireless for Zack and JP.
JP went home and i left the wireless for Zack.
I guess we should have switched it to his name
because today I had to pay $460 worth of internet I DID NOT USE.
and Zack still owes me from when I bought his tattoo... atleast $135
and i cannot get ahold of him.. and he will not call me back

2. no calls.. no emails but rejection emails
I keep hoping.. thinking that the places I applied to are waiting for the applicants to pile up and then they will start with the interviews.. but hope is waning-so is patience and happiness
I grew up beleiving that I would be a good girl
that i would be one of those that would just get a job right out of college.
because i AM smart and talented
but now i feel like a failure
still living with my parents
no job.. low on money.. etc.

3. i miss JP

4. my car is still in the shop.. the FIRST one we sent it to-it sat in the parking lot for a week.. then he teetered with it.. 2 weeks later he decided he could do nothing with it. SO my parents transfered it to ANOTHER place Friday (I would have but I was gone..boy do I love my parents) and THAT place will supposedly have the "diagnosis" tomorrow (Thursday).
It is a good little car
Lasted me though college-PLUS the year before..

5. Kayaking on the river is sooo frustrating because the water is SOO low due to the dams..
It is hard to paddle when every time you bring your paddle up, it is covered in seaweed.

6. Exercise... moving.. eating right
nothing
still look icky
GRANTED it hasnt been a whole long time
but piled on top of everything else.. and the short hairdo
mirrors are hard to look at


BUT
GOOD THINGS

I bought a size 7 pair of flare jeans at Target..
YAY
I like them

I went to water aerobics.. ALONE.. and danced in the water with a bunch of saggy old ladies
LOVE
inspired me to be a swim teacher.. because for the half hour before (i got there way too early out of nervousness) i watched a class of 5 four year olds jumping, splashing, playing, laughing in the water... I want to be that teacher

I wrote down the numbers of volunteer opportunities here in Augusta... the YMCA.. sent an email to the local schools asking what I could do while I was here.. the Animal Shelter (which doesnt have training for another 2 weeks)

NEXT UP

---convince my mom and dad the benefits and necessity of pet therapy.. how it would help my mental/emotional situation at the moment and forevermore
---garter belt
--once my car is done.. go to visit my friend Amanda and take a Pole Dancing class OR OR OR get up the courage to do it myself at the one here in Augusta...

soo..
home again
after super fun with Emily...
home for a night..
freaking out cuz the car wasnt ready..
dad let me use his car
and i went to him Thursday night
happy reunion
made my worries disappear.. atleast the ones of him being sick of me...
but hes still not well off
too much time on his hands and money in the bank..
there were fun tiimes though :)
that first night was nice..
Friday.. was a dud.. involving going back and forth to the DMV 3 times only to find out he couldn't get a new license (he lost his) because he has to pay a fine from an arrest/something that happened back in 2002... crashed early.. leaving me to wonder what to do for the rest of the night
Saturday.. we went to Taylors birthday party in Myryle Beach at an arcade.. he was out of it-but functional and we were able to play some games.. walk to the pier.. and decide that New Orleans would be a fun place to move... once again he crashed early..
Sunday.. we drove out to Myrtle beach with his mom and sister so they could all visit their uncle in the hospital.. crazy things happened that involved phone calls and i felt left out cuz i had NO idea what was going on.. it turned out little Taylor got to go with us for hte day while her grandparents went to visit the uncle in the hospital.. ANYWAY.. we went to a cool little boardwalk and Taylor and I had a ball feeding fish and finding all kinds of cool little shops and stores and themed restaurants and riding the Pirate Ship ride and then going to JimmyBuffet's Margaritaville.. i mostly hung with her.. but JP did come and walk beside me.. held my hand, etc. .. i drove him to get stuff again... and he crashed ear;ly again..
Today i left.
and even though he passed out around 7 three nights in a row ended up owing me $80.. etc. etc.
I had the deepest sadness.. the biggest urge to turn back
WHY DOES HE HAVE TO BE SOOOOO GOOD TO ME
so sweet
telling me he loves me a million times a day
telling me hes going to marry me
and then does the things he does
and i try to explain to him how scary it is to me to find him afterwards.. or how frustrating and lonely it is to watch him pass out on me.. or nod off with the cigarette in his hand.. or over his food..

but i am still branching out
applying to places far away and near..
anything to do with animals.. outdoors.. kids.. any combination.

more later..

but also
im continuing my mission.. cracking down.. being more serious.. cutting out sugar, etc. eating healthier.. making a smoothie with fruit and soymilk for breakfast instead of skipping.. better better better

Ohhh times with Emily
GLORiOUS
we puttered around a bit.. but also painted the entire kitchen cabinets and most of the cabinet doors as well.. (along with everyehere on me-NOT neccesarily on purpose..)
and her boat.. which was soooo sooo slow.. a pontoon boat? I dont remember what they called it.. it was nice to be out on the water.. in the sun.. but the slowness aggravated my ADD
then the friends came over.. and then the goat
and then we made booties for hte goat.. put him on the trampoline :) poor thing
.......
more polaris.. more wine.. tons of fun.. but i felt something in the back of my mind.. or down in my heart.. i dont know.. a creeping sadness.. wishing JP were here..
but the people i was with..
wow
they feed me super naturally delicious honey.. Chia seeds.. tons of all this organic herbal stuff.. cuz one of the guys is a herbalist..
and then after our LAST and final ride
Baked Butternut squash that was soaking in butter, honey and cinnamon..
they were trying to get me fat again
the polaris though.. WOW.. rockin rollin.. i am glad i was between the 2 guys because i nearly few off many times but instead flew into them..


but then
today i woke up with a deep sadness
felt like crying all morning.. and after emily left for work i burst into tears... cried JP who was too sleepy from just waking up and who knows what else so he was not very conversational.. i said goodbye, hung up and cried more.. then called my dad to make sure the car was going to be fixed by tomorrow so i could drive MY car to JP thursday.. and he said he doubted it.. i hung up and cried more.. then finished painting the cabinets.. settled down on the couch..
and its all snowballing
and i need to remember the things i read to be happy
gratitude.. even though my hair looks like shit from the incompetent woman who cut my hair the other day.. atleast i dyed it yesterday and it looks semi-ok
iving in the moment.. i love this music... my time with JP will come-even if it wont be til Friday.. its only the "Monday" of this week-OF COURSE people wouldnt have responded to my emails/resumes i sent out on Friday...

then again
some of this music isnt helping
bringing me back to when i heard it.. with JP.. or as a kid.. or in Tuscaloosa..
but then again i DO tend to only remember the GOOD.. and my memories disregard the BAD and SAD..
and the stupid food issues.. body issues.. are not being helped by this haircut.. or that day i got off the treadmill only to find my mom watching the "Top 25 sexiest bodies" or something and immediately all positive body image i had was popped.

Atleast i know now that while riding on the polaris, apparently i make QUITE the interesting sound effect.... which entertained hte boys.. I CANT HELP THAT I SQUEAL and Scream from excitement.. i like things fast and intesnse..

LOVE
WHAT a fun night!!
Oh wow
Love it here with emily/
AFter hugs and catch up we went over to her friends, Thomas and Matt.
WHERE I WAS TAKEN TO THEIR litter of the cutest little puppies.. and then to their goats..
and then we road on the Polaris/4 wheeler...
THEN went swimming in the pond.. where i got to play and swim and tread and bond and try to catch the animals in the water (i was convinced the bubbles that were appearing in the latke/pond were animals below EVEN tho they assured me the bubbles were just THERE) ...Looking for the Loch Ness Monster.. or other lake/pond creatures..
Later... we were just chillin.. Matt playing banjo.. Thomas playing video games.. and then the wine came
I am bad with drinks.. i drink .. i dont "sip" or "nurse" my drink.. mine was gone in a matter of 5 seconds.. OOPS
so for the rest of hte night i was in this pretty haze.. laughing.. wondering out loud.. watching the passionate sex scene from MR. and Mrs. Smith
and then
all of a sudden
"ALL RIGHT! ITS TIME!"
we went back out on the 4-wheeler for who knows HOW long of intense fun.. i was in hte back sitting on a board in between 2 guys (so i wouldnt fly out) GRAPSING on for dear life to the poles and bars in front of me.. trying to judge when to lift my bum during the huge dips and crevices..
and we stopped a few times.. to let the engine cool.. just chatting.. shooting the breeze.. going on and on abour random.. LOVE it.. miss it.. need it..

Happy?

Found an article..
i was sad
so i searched how to be happy

1. "The happiest people spend the least time alone. They pursue personal growth and intimacy; they judge themselves by their own yardsticks, never against what others do or have."

SPEND THE LEAST TIME ALONE
in a way, yes thats what i want. I want friends. I want family. I want to be surrounded by those that make me happy.
yet, alone time is essential too.. to clear your head.. to listen to your own music.. to float away...

2. "Life satisfaction occurs most often when people are engaged in absorbing activities that cause them to forget themselves, lose track of time and stop worrying."

Which can be found when I am kayaking... engaged in Wii (Yay for Wii Sports!)... sleeping.. laying with JP... jumping on a trampoline.. board games.. laughing with friends.. hookah.. N64 tournaments.. cooking/baking.. waitressing tables (unless the occasional nasty customer comes along)
books.. i cant even read them very well anymore-in terms that i get ansy.. feel as though i need to be DOING... not just reading

3. "Gratitude has a lot to do with life satisfaction, psychologists say. Talking and writing about what they're grateful for amplifies adults' happiness, new studies show."

I think i do need to make a new list of things i am grateful for.. I know i did that A LOT in treatment.. but its about time for a new one...

ALSO, from 7 Lessons Kids Can Teach Us
LIVINg IN THE PRESENT..
which i am not so good at.. i will admit..
I want to be like a kid again.. live IN THE MOMENT.. not always wanting to know whats next.. and i do tend to hang onto things much too long.. like when JP would yell at me or whatnot for driivng weird or not paying attention to something or crying too much.. I help onto his anger for awhile.. ruminating.. and less than 10 minutes later hed talk to me as though nothing had happened...

SINGLE FOCUS WHILE DOING THINGS
When you are doing something do it,,,, dont overwhelm with all the things you need to do

USE IMAGINATION
Sometimes... I am too good at that

ALWAYS JOYFUL
finding joy in little things.. when i am happy.. in a good mood I am able to do that.. but i find its hard to take pleasure in the little things when there is a dark cloud over my head.. or when i am in that Over-analyze phase/fit.. its hard to snap back out

ABSOLUTE FAITH IN GETTING WISHES FULLFILLED
once again.. I am this too,.. but hesitation lingers.. beacuse I have been there before.. have been crushed before when hopes and wishes were up..

INHERENT GOOD IN OTHERS..
i do beleive that.. yes.. which does get me into trouble sometimes.. but makes for happier interactions until/if that time comes!
\


Well..
now I am off to Emily.. my best friend down in Alabama.. a much needed time... jumping on her trampoline.. laughing.. hookah.. friends.. beautiful room with paint splatters covering the entire wall, floor and ceiling.. "working" with her at her hardware store
and hten home Wednesda night
and then.. JP..

:(
Im sad
missing him
hating that its a 3 day weekend which means even more wait until i get word back from anyone on a job
im going to Emilys tomorrow for a few days.. excited, yes. but yet that stupid boy wont get out of my head.

I went kayakin with my parents this morning.. loved it!
lots of big fish.. and a fisherman yelled at us even though we made a huge effort to get out of his way.
i love my dad
hes such a dork
just like me
but i miss friends

and why cant i just relax and enjoy what i have now? the no job.. the freedom.. the not having to pay rent (though I do have to pay for my own food much of hte time-even wehn i go with my mom to the grocery store)

and i have been trying soo hard
for soo long
and havent gotten any better.. smaller...
and yet i see everyone around me eating eating eating and no change.. no gain..

i thought i was doing so well..

There is a job in Phoenix that was just posted on the AZA website.. at the Phoenix Zoo.. as the Sleepover Staff.. hosting the parties and whatnot that sleep over at the zoo...
imagine that..
would LOVE it

BUT HE WONT LEAVE MY HEAD
EVERYTHING I DO everything i think.. he is there.. he is factored in.. "I want to take him here on the kayak.. he would LOVE it.." "I wonder if he would move with me to Phoenix.. or just visit.."
I mean, we are taking a break from "living together 24/7"
but how else is the future going to be?
If we DO marry.. wont we be like that?
Yes we will both (hopefully) be working and see each other at nights..
but he was GONE for most of the time during the summer.. and when he was home i was working..

i dont know
i dont know
and i keep spending more and more time with my dad... wishing that i could find someone more like him...
Dorky.. will drink wine at night with me.. is up for adventure almost anytime.. is silly/stupid but doesnt care..

i dont know i dont know i dont know

but i feel like crying when i think of how long it will take for me to get to him..

Soooo
tings are slow
life is slow
i do NOT like not having a job
piddling around..
treadmill every morning.. the dreaded 45 minutes..
then tinker around a little more.. dabble with the Wii... run errands with my mom while she talks to herself and yells at the drivers around her and buys 5 million things at the grocery store and uses the self checkout swearing every few seconds beceause it tells her to do something..
then kayak
my favorite time
out there on the water.. soo calm.. soo flat.. soo beautiful.. dont really want to come in at the end of the day.. but i know Dads coming home :)
and then dinner
and i love my daddy
i am most definatly his child
and my mom starts drinking at 5 or so and continues til late and she cant even find the ash tray for her cigarettes..

and then everything i think.. everything i do.. he is factored in somehow
its sooo frustrating
i find a potential job
then automatically
"i wonder if it is a place he could live.. he could visit.. what would he do... is there enough for him around there?"
no matter what the answer is i usualy apply anyway

mom and dad want me to go back to school
they also want me to stay at home with them
sorry...

I just want a kitty and a job and to be with JP
or to travel
why not?
my dad did it for 3 months with his best friend down in South America
why cant i follow in his tracks?
It doesnt even have to be 3 months..

Oh
and went into Wal-Mart for the first time in 4 months
never again
i am totally over it
and ESPECIALLY after viewing
http://peopleofwalmart.com/
i keep looking for those people.. hoping people arent taking pictures of me
America....

Amazing day

beautiful day

blazing sun out on the Savannah river... not a soul in sight... i was chasing fish.. they were skittering out in front of the kayak trying to get out of the way.. many many Great Blue Herons..

on the way back, I was found a little alcove that i went in to explore... tall tall reeds all around.. and i found a little path in the weeds big enough for a kayak (though i pretended it was for an alligator) and i came to this little "lake" in hte middle of the tall tall reeds

just imagine...
laying back in your kayak.. Greatful Dead's "Ripple" softly playing in your headphones.. Georgia sun warming your face... dragon flies and butterflies landing on you and flittering about in front of your eyes.. mystical-hair-like seaweed all around you... the occasional flower floating in the water..

LOVE

now back to home.. more job hunting.. soul searching.. dream catching..

Indonesia is looking more nad more interesting.. tantalizing..
why not?

Well.
Hes gone
our last night was at my house.. my parents were out of town..
i had this magical idea that we could play Wii... or board games.. or go out to dinner and have a drink..
things NORMAL people do
but of course he is not normal
FAR from it
so he dabbled in his stuff a bit.. sat around.. I didnt push him because I was scared he would get irritable at me again
and then he suggested we ride downtown
My hopes flew
Maybe he did want to go do something!
Maybe he did want to go for a drink.. or dinner,,,
but as i was driving down there I could tell he was still uppity..
"I didnt know your neighborhood was ON the Savannah River.. That was the reason why I wanted to go downtown"
(even though i told him many times it was on the river)
He is good at having no plans.. just doing...
I get frustrated when I dont know what we are doing.. I need to know SOMEWHAT what to expect..
It ended up in him making me pull over, asking me WHY I was so F***ing stressed out and upset... That i MUST have had something I wanted to do that i wasnt telling him... in such a tone that hurttttt and i cried while he walked out
this was NOT my idea of our last night
I had kept my hopes to myself because I felt they were sillly.. I knew he wouldn't eat anyway and if I brought it up he would flip again, "You KNOW I am not going to eat anything"
He did come back for me
and so it continued... me being too scared to say anything because of his potential reaction
him going on and on about how i blow things out of proportion... get upset for stupid reasons.. cry too much.. and i asked him why he was still with me if i upset him this much, "Because for some reason I keep hoping that you will get it through your head that bapidfjao;jgoerjg"
I forgot what he said actually
i just remember HOW he said it and how he couldnt even look at me
but he doesnt understand that all my life growing up with Kyle-ALL of my idea were stupid and worthless.. that I was pretty much the same... and that I had seen that scorn before.. that anger with me.. the disgust...

Slowly I pushed it all away and was able to get back to normal.. I DID want a drink, but decided to wait until i got home (to which he got frustrated "I thought you WANTED to get a drink!"... "Yes, I do. But it makes no sense to go in, get a drink, and leave like that.. I'd rather wait til i get home where its free." ... "I don't understand you.")
and we went to the tattoo parlor to browse.. contemplate a new one.. he quickly got bored and we left to go back home..
the rest of the night was fine.. bordering on lovely

I still have teaching English in Thailand up in the air,,, as well as teaching in Indonesia...
and i dont know if the reason WHY i want to do those is because I DO want to run away from everything.. or because i ReaLLY do want to do it?
or both?
and then there is Teach For America which i have been contemplating..
and then.. Zoos?
who knows
and he left me today
saying hed see me in a couple weeks.. that we would visit each other until our futures became more clear..
not to factor him in when I look for a job.. thats the part that hurts me the most i guess
but he also claims that we arent breaking upl... that he isnt giving up on me... that i complete him...
which is so so hard to beleive sometimes
but i do still love him
He makes me feel deeper.. happiest ive ever been.. saddest ive ever been.. given more of myself to him.. invested a lot in him.. in us..

And i still have dreams
of going to concerts.. of being happy for long times.. to not be so self-conscious.. to be okay with myself in clothes.. to make people laugh.. to inspire..
but as far as my dreams? everyone says i need to follow them..
but how can i when my dream changes every day?

and the summer is done
we drove for 3 days... 2,900 miles.. and are now in Boone, NC so he could get his "gold at the end of the rainbow"
and visit his friend
The trip was horrible.. most of the time.. very irritable, frustrated with everything i did when i drove... and when i wasn't i said everything wrong or something i dont know... but he SNAPPED so much
and then swore in aggravation when i cried as a result of his outbursts.
i cant hlp but cry when i know i disappointed someone.. or messed up.. or caused him such strife that he had to react in such a way..
and the way he looked at me sometimes as though i were the scummiest thing on earth.. that he was sooo sick of me he couldn't stand to look at me..
771 miles the first day. plus a 2 hour ferry ride and an hour wait beforehand.. THE night after i had too much fun with my friuneds from the summer which i will never see again
1000 the second day
1100 the third day
and we are in Boone
and he got his gold
but i give him props
he is delicious to me.. beautiful.. SOO much better htan the car ride
it was because he was on a mission
he had something he needed to get
and got irritated when things slowed him down...
but now that we are here
and he got his fun
now i am his fun

but we are still taking a break
figuring out what to do next
he claims he is still going to come back to me
but this trip wore me down.. made me think otherwise.. the way he talked.. the tone.. the aggravation,.. the looks he gave me. the way he sighed and shook his head in disbelief...disgust
all like my brother
who, by the way, would be celebrating his 26th birthday today

tomorrow i go home
visit with my parents
and then head down to Emily
myBEST friend
who i NEED more than ever
and need to laugh
(i also need my N64, my movies, my oil incense burner, and someone to hookah with)

as far as a job?
my parents want em to sta y wtihthem and take a course which our neighbor teaches to get me a teaching degree
I want to stay wtih emily.. i want to teach English in Thailand or Indonesia,, I want to go hiking until i am okay with myself again.. i want to be with JP... i want to break free,., i want to explore,, i want to work with animals. i want to work with kids,,, '

which one?
who knows

things are slowing down...
\last day of work tomorrow...
and then i get a "party" from my lady cook who inspired me to get my Purple PEnny Pleaser..
2 bartenders... my other cook, Abe who helps me also pick out fruit at the grocery store he works at...
plus.. who knows?
let loose a little :)

then.. Friday we leave.. ?
he is supposed to work this weekend.. but he doesnt want to.. I dont want to stay another weekend.. so he is thinking of making some excuse as to why he cannot stay..

and then we go home.
Him to his house.. to face his parents "What are you going to do nexT?" etc etc and figure out what he wants to do next
I go to my house... to decide my next route..
follow him?
does he want me to follow him?
remove myself from everything and everyone nad teach in Thailand?
work at a zoo... see if he will follow...

i applied to soo many places...
I am scared
SUCH big decisions ahead..

yes he SAID he would marry me in 5 years...
but what will we DO to SUPPORT ourselveS?
he is not one to settle down and get a job.. stay in a place for a bit
he is a hopper.. hopping to where the seasonal jobs are.. then back to his parents..
in Dixie..

Yes, I will be quite heart broken... life shattered... if we do end up parting ways
for some reason
or even LIVE far away from each other
because I am big on NEARNESS.. TOUCHING.. HOLDING
because of the past.. the whole Object Permanence thing.. where if someone is not with me, how can they think of me.. remember me.. still like me.. miss me?

The people here at work are begging me to stay...
I have freinds in Tuscaloosa waiting for me to come visit..
my best freind in Alabama is jonesin for me to come stay

NO idea what I am going to do with the rest of my time..
We are leaving around or before the last of the month.
I am slightly sad about that.
I have grown used to this place... to playing with Jay at work.. shes my favorite person on the island... running around catering to tables.. walking up that hill... our little home..
And when we get back.. what next?
Neither of us have solid plans
I have the opportunity to work in Hendersonville and maybe tkae over the business... but that terrifies me.. stuck in a small town.. tho there is no better small town to be stuck in really... and i LOVE the studio.. and I would get to work my own hours.. but i dont know about being married to a business.. money issues.. responsibility.. scares me..
Working at a zoo..
i want to soo bad
even be a zookeeper.
IMAGINE THAT!
and i cant decide where I want to live,... how to find a job overseas... how to find a job thats LEGITIMATE and all that overseas.. how to become an art teacher and what i need to do in order to become one...
Portland?
Asheville?
Somewhere theres an interesting job?
will JP follow me?
will he go on the AT trail for months or do one of those wilderness jobs where I will never see him anyways?

but JP?
What about him?
Hes going back to his home
im going to mine,
and then...

he claims he is going to marry me within 5 years..
but i dont deal well with not knowing what to expect in the future.
yes i love living in different places
i love the novelty.. the variety..

I bought a vibrator
HA!
It was Heathers idea.
a simple, short-term solution

i feel naughty
i feel empowered
i am excited
but it wont get here for awhile


i have nightmares about work.. daymares..
the past 2 days have been horrible..
Thursday i caled in before 10, cuz usually i have to cover this other girls shift.. they said no, they didnt need me.
I made plans to help JP pack for his 3 day with 6 people
we got all the way out to Baller Hill where we had limited reception..
I got the call
plans canceled
i was pissed
JP was pissed
I worked all day. exhausted.. wanting to be anywhere but there

Thursday night was beautiful
i was energetic
happy
excited
we went drinking.. I am a one hit wonder.. so one got mee through from 7:45 til midnight or whenever we went home.
i was playing ping pong with others... i got to play with JP and Chris... etc etc.
i was truly happy
except he passed out AS SOON as we got home

Friday i got the call at 7am saying i was late and was supposed to eb in at 6:30.
My shift was switched
JP couldnt take me cuz he wasnt awake yet and needed to be somehwere to pick up his people at a certain time and i was supposed to drop him off but now i couldnt
so i half ran down the road the entire half hour half crying too scared to stick out my thumb to hitchhike..
i made it
they said it was no big deal
TJ said he couldnt finish the day
so i finished it for him
nearly breaking down a few more times..

havent found the beauty in my breakdown
FrouFrou.. their song.. it MAY be true.. maybe the beauty is coming

last night i fell asleep at 7:15.. woke up for a phone call from JP at 9 and fell back asleep at 9:30...

i needed that
me time
sleep time
and
my purchase..
(:

Too long.. too long..
our internet that we were mooching off of disappeared... so i am estranged from anything and everything out there now.. especially when he is gone.
and i still let the image I see.. either in the mirror.. when i look down.. the feel of my arms.. the feel of my thighs brushing..
ruin
rule
dictate
my day
my mood
my eating

And i wonder sometimes if he is with me out of convenience and availability or out of LOVE
and im too scared to DO anything about it
I do talk to more people about things
the 2 guys JP and I hang out with... are so nice to me.,, include me.. visit me at work..
last night we went to eat... where JP declared he hadnt eaten or had any drink on his 2 day kayak trip except for like 5 ravioli, a cup of lemonade and a cup of fruit punch
I WAS going to eat dinner with him (and Chris who was with us)
but once he said that
it burst
i went though all the crap i ate
looked down..
etc etc. etc. compared the energy he expended to what i did..
and i couldnt eat the pizza.. though Chris, once he found out that i dont really like pizza that much anyway except the crust, would slip his crust on my plate
and then we went to play pool.
I am better when we go to Herbs because there are a lot more poeple there.. people with character.. and its one room.. so you are force to see.. to look.. etc. you are on display.
Whereas at the other place, The China Pearl Lounge.. its in a dark upstairs joint the pool tables are in a semi-separate room from the other area which has foose ball and ping pong. but NO ONE Goes there
so i just meander around the pool table room.. sit on the couch.. text.. chitchat with James while JP goes on and does his thing
ANYWAY
after each of the 3 games they played i kept going up to JP saying, :Next time i want to play too. lets play cut throat"
never happened
he played against this old guy ina wheelchair.. who kept grappling my bum and getting soo close to my thigh.. JP laughed.. i did not know what to do! yes.. he was drunk.. yes he did not necessarily MEAN anything.. but wow did i feel uncomfortable.
then we went on a snowy adventure that relusted in me falling blissfully alseep at 2 :30 am nly to wake 2 hours later to work

work is ridiculous lately..
either super busy..
or super slow
i over-exert myself too... mop the floor (no one else does) sweep the floor (the rest just run the vacuum over it) etc. etc.
and then i walk home
and though i do and do and do
and exhaust myself beyond everything
and cut back on foodstuffs
i am no smaller
i feel no lighter
i am no happier

JP was really happy the other night though.
we went to the Pearl.
i was waiting for more people to show up so that i could entice someone in a game of Pingpong or Foose ball.. hinting to JP that i would love to join in aon a game of pool if he could..
but my freind from work, TJ called and had me come over to Herbs
QUITE the different scene there... crowded with drunks and crazies.. the other guy from my work was there drunkely falling off the bar stoool mumbling to me about things.. things he says at work all the time..
I played pool with a guy... i didnt really MEAN to.. i got sucked in.. But it was fun. I liked to hear the clanking of the balls. I was horrible
but i laughed
he kept putting his hands on my back.. leaning in to hear me talk.. getting close..
i wasnt sure if i liked it or not..
i left after that game, to go back to the Pearl, hoping for a hug or a smile or some sort of welcome from JP.
TJ followed me
as soon as we opened hte doors, i saw him playing a enlivened game of Ping Pong with some girl, a new guide for Crystal Seas.
it hurt.
he was so happy
he was laughing
he didnt even really acknowledge me.
i wasn't going to drink
buit after that i did.. and almost cried.. Chris knew something was up.. he knows-sees the frustrations i have.. he is somewhat more perceptive than JP is.. and sees the difference in energy levels.. and how i am left out.. he tires for me..
and to get me to smile again he agreed to play foose ball with me :)
later that night, after he agreed that we were going to leave he was making his rounds to say goodbye
and then i realized he was there on the couch with that girl all over him. He was smiling like a goon.
Needless to say
i was jelous, sad, upset, irritated,.,, but i cant be the jealous bitch to go up to them and do something about it.. until i got fed up.. wandered up and told him that i would meet him in the car and take a nap.. he could take his time..
he knew what i saw by the smile n his face.. the way he rubbed his chin.. pretending to contemplate

whatever
i need to... change? ...
in terms of not be such a crybaby.. not be such a spoil sport.. if i am left out of conversations.. DO something.. dont just sit there getting sadder and sadder
and when i come back from work, exhausted but ready to NOT lay down.. ready to DO.. to play.. to go out.. only to find him laying down... eyes closed.. sighing as though hes at the lowest point in his life.. or sitting up, back to me, curled over so his head is on his knees.
how can i be happy when he acts like that all the time?

TJ.. Chris.. James.. Carrie.. even Jack.. and Jay too.... have all been my saving graces.. they talk.. they include me.. make me feel appreciated.. fun.. like hte old me...
and then JP is
JP

Jusby and I.. :) LOVE the nosE!


ACTION SHOT... He climbed up the last time.. withOUT a rope..










And this is the one
the one that popped my happiness.. i dont look

I knew it wouldn't last.
The happy..
but its not even anything OUTSIDE of me that happened
well.
it was a picture
that brought me down.. that burst my bubble.
But its soo weird..
My clothes either fit now or are too big. I am constantly pulling up my pants or whatnot
but
i am stilll NOT what i look like
the scar is still showing.. as always.. creating that pouf..
never will i be anywhere near anyone else...

but

on the other hand
the past 2 days have been quite amazing.
Wednesday, Jusby got ahold of me!
I thought they were leaving. so i pulled a double-shifter. and they came to visit me
and so did JP and JAmes
and then a small fiasco occurred.. which was redeemable in a way.
acceptable.. or at least expected.
but then i got to go for a ride with Jusby and his family for awhile around the island.
It was good.
It was pure
i was happy... though there was a small nagging in my mind.. of wanting to be back safe in my bed
but i fought it and focused on our watching.. observing.. talking..
they are such beautiful people. :)
I wish i would have visted them in December when i thought i would.
I want a family someday

And that night JP held me all night long.. every time i woke, we were intwined.
it was beautiful

Yesterday I went ROCK CLIMBiNG!!
I was nervous
it was COLD
and i knew there would be 3 of us
meaning third wheel
which is usually me when it comes to fun things
(or James when it comes to hugging/etc)
but we went thought with it
Took a bit of a hit before we left the house which left me flying high all day long.
AND DID'NT YA KNOW IT!?! JUSBY WAS IN LINE RIGHT IN FRONT OF US!!
so i got to spend the ferry ride engrossed in good clean fun
Thomas Cards and Leapin Lizards and War

I LOVED climbing
so much
and i fet that nagging come in whenever they were both sitting
"IF YOUR JUST GOING TO SIT THER, ROPE ME IN AND LET ME PLAY!"
i wanted to say
i got to go up twice :)
I scaled that thing
i WANTED it
i was scared a few times,
but then i kept saying to myself "I WANT THIS. I WANT THIS:"
and i sucked it up and prayed my foot/hands wouldn't slip
i felt alive
out there.. in the fresh air. moving.. putting in effort.. the view was breathtaking
pictures could not even BEGIN to catch its beauty
and then we went to the bars and i only had one drink so i could drive us home (but i was still flying a bit.. so it made for an interesting ride home-ESPECIALLY since the Garmin GPS took me a different way than the way we came which included back roads and windy turns..)
even though i aws slightly pissed that i always have to be the DD.. and i dnt like driving in the first place. especially at night (since the car accident a couple years ago headlights coming at me stilll have an affect on me) and after a glass of wine... and fling..

Fuck food
thats all i have to say
and those who don't eat

and the fact i dont get to paddle in the place that is the most beautiful
when everyone i am around (JP and his fellow Crystal Seas-ers)
kayak
talk about all they went through
the fascinating
the fun
the hard
the harsh
the blah
the blah

and me
nothign
yea
i worked
all those days
thats it
worked
waiterss
wow
how exciting..

i dont look any smaller
dont feel any smaller
nope
Im trying so hard
but nothings working

Basically things have not been going so well.
So I have been devoting my time to scouring hte internet for things to make me smile
here is a sampler




cute. quite clever too...


LOVE his faceeeeeee


The Art of Hotel Bed Jumping...
i want to jump that high...

BUT!
I did get to go out on a paddle with him.. the sunset paddle.. Thursday night
i felt ALIVE out there.. on the water.. making it move.. dipping the oar in the crystalline waters.. spying jellyfish below.. bumping into the kelp.. seeing the house where a man lived that sold his Bacon and Bean Soup recipe to Campbells... the obolusk declaring the line between British and English sides of the island back in the times of the Pig War.. the seal bobbing his head about all around us.. the lines and cords that went into the water so that the whale researcher man could tape the whales calls.. he learned that there are 3 resident pods in the San Juans.. each with their own language..PLUS a language that was mutual between all three of them.. so each pod pretty much spoke 2 languages.. their own and the mutual one.. the feagle (fake eagle)
feeling the current push against me as i paddled back.. watching the mist rise over the water in the distance creating an eerie look.
it was lovely
i do wish to do it again

I cant seem to get it right
what did i do wrong?
was i TOO excited when i gave out my phone number?
was i not excited enough?
did they forget to call me?
did they really think i had anything else to do?
why didnt i get their phone number?

yet another night of sitting back
waiting
hoping
not sure if ia m hoping FOR an invitation to go back out into the world.. or hoping that i can hide away for another night
i am super tired
drained.
11 hour work again

JPs gone.
I cooked for him last night!:)
Baked Ziti. I put my all into it.. threw caution to the wind.. most especially because i attempted 2 different things to make but realized i lacked ingredients so i settled on baked ziti-Penny style.. (meaning no real meaning or recipe or rhyme or reason to it... just layered and swirled and baked..
and the oven.. propane.. i forgot you had to light it so the whole trailer part reeked of propane and i had to wait a good half hour before i felt safe enough to attempt to light the oven again
thankfully he brought 2 others with him.
he barely had what one wold consider a portion. The other 2 wiped it out.
i was happy.
happy to cook
happy to serve
happy to please others
happy they were talking to me
inviting me.. talking to me.. etc

We went to the bar again
i had been CRAVING dance.. dance party.. loud music.. the rush of the alcohol and adrenaline.. letting loose.. Captain Jack called and told me to come dance with him at Herbs. I WANTED TO SOO BAD!!
but i didnt really feel comfortable enough to go alone. And i KNEW JP was not going to dance at all.NOR would he like the fact that i went over there to say hi to Captain Jack.
(and btw today he invited me to go with him on his rowboat and a bottle of wine...)

I gave my phone number to 3 people.. asked 4 or 5 to call me tonight..
notta one

but my eyes ache from being awake.
and so i go

FIREWORKS!!


HA!
Love this picture of him


me.. being a space cadet.. he told me to look at the camera.. but there was a bird..


Walking to work at 5:30.. catching the ferry in the sunrise on its way in..


Veiw from Mt Constitution on Orcas Island..


Veiw from Mt Constitution on Orcas Island..

'
Mountain Lake .. i think that was the name,.


Mountain Lake..

and more..