Well..
long time.. no post
so here goes
quick recapp
Still working at the studio.. LOVING when people come in.. enjoying cleaning.. organizing.. sweeping.. refilling.. when no ones there.. its like my 2nd home
Still working at the Y in the mornings.. loving the kids.. getting to know them.. their genuine happy smiles when they see me as the door opens.. a couple even come straight to me for a hug before they play.. getting better at setting my foot down-consequences.. making them apologize to each other when one throws blocks at another.. trying to instill the concept of SHARING and if not taking the toy away.. "practicing" for Head Start..
Still waiting on Head Start.. The background check comes in sometime this week.. then the will take me in for a couple days of "substitute" work so they can observe and see if i work well with the kids.. if i know what i am doing
which i do
i am 99% sure.. but still nervous..

And if that doesnt work out i think i might run away again.
New Orleans.. Portland.. Austin..

I just cant be satisfied. i dont know why. I SHOULD be content. 2 wonderful jobs... coming home to my bf every night/day... plenty of time off to do whatever..

And JP has been helping me out a lot in the food department.. i used to be terrified of bagels.. they were what we ate at the treatment center when we knew we had to gain a certain amount of weight by the next day.. so therfore bagels=weight gain to me
even though i used to LOVE them
and now... now he has atleast one every night.. and I started off denying any bites.. and then i started taking a bite when he offered.. remembering how DELICIOUS they were.. now i can safely and sanely take a forth of one..
and chicken dishes.. Hes gotten me to eat chicken again.. we shared a 10 peice of Chicken nuggets the other day.. (i had 2)
hes heling me be more assertive... saying no.. trying not to let people walk all over me.. feeeling good about myself..

but every time i have a day off and its beautiful he has some ailment.. a migrane.. sore from rock climbibng the day before.. etc.

and then there is this emotional vampire.. this guy.. it started off i gave him some money to buy me something.. he never came back.. He promised to pay me back.. he just needed $50 to get access to it and hed pay me back everything he owed.. and in the endd.. no money for me.. this happened quite a few times..
it is sooo hard... because he seems genuine.. he seems sooo soo very nice,.. he makes me laugh.. he made me dinner once.. he actually seeks me out.. talks ot me.. but he pretty much owes me $300..
so i am giving up on him
the last few times we talked all ic ould do was cry because it rips me apart. I want to help him so bad. but emotionally and financially I cant afford it anymore.
he is one that makes me want to run away from here

and the lingering knowledge that soon i will be without JP for 4 whole months.
its the hugs.. the waking up next to him.. the going to sleep next to him.. the way he has introduced me to soo many new foods that i am becoming comfortable with.. the hugs.. the bringing me down sandwitches when i am working downstairs
(He got me to eat a sandwich.. and as stupid/silly as it sounds.. I havent had a sandwitch since the treatment center nearly 2 years ago.. and he got me to eat one.. cheese, turkey, bread and butter pickle and butterbread.. AMAZING)
and just the emotional support.. walking down to Kilwins to share an ice cream.. renting random documentaries from the library which i most always end up falling asleep..
but 4 months
it terrifies me
will we drift apart?
would it really be all that bad?
is that what is supposed to happen?
I dont . I do love him .
but..

and would be happier here in the beautiful NC? or the ecclectic Portland where I already have 2 friends and am closer to MANY MANY more scattered throughout Washington.. near Crater Lake and the Oregon Coast where i Grew up... Or maybe the dirty, crazy New Orleans that I used to live in that is never boring.. kinda scary.. kinda creepy.. bourbon street.. the ZOO!!!.. interesting people.. parades.. random street performers and music.. voodoo and vampires.. near where i went to treatment once so i could do outpatient there... Or Austin.. beautiful.. hot.. warm.. cowboys.. music.. ..

why do i have to continually question and wonder
why cant i just be happy
WHY do we have the right for the "pursuit of happyness"
why cant we just have the right to happyness
why do we have to puruse happyness
many things do make me happy. exploring the city.. walking in the sunshine.. playingh N64 with freinds.. painting ranomly.. talking to new people.. cooking.. baking.. trying new foods.. rock climbing.. kayaking.. browsing.. eating ice cream..

but money brings me down.. losing it.. spending it.. and i can spend all i want on JP or helping out that friend
but i cant buy MYSLEF new clothes.. or my favoprite ice cream.. or rock climbing equipment.. which is another reason why i cant ever go rock climbing with him
cuz i spend my money on rent. food, him, that other guy, gas, gifts for others.. but i cant even buy myslef a harness nad shoes so that i CAN have a day of happyness.. they would last forever and i could go anytime
but no
i cant "afford" that.. but i CAN afford other thigns that are more expensive that arent for me

i need a therapist still
sooner the better.