I am soo ready to go
it gets harder and harder to get out of bed.. not knowing what the day is going to bring.. if is he soing to be oka with watching tv.. if he has some scheme. if he is going to pass out on me..
and we stay up soo late.. even though i am past the point of tired at around midnight.. he is NOT at all.. so i try so hard to stay awake to keep him company.. "I wish we had something to do" he would say.. i would think, YEA LIKE GO TO SLEEP

= I AM going to start off with him moving in with me.. but if things dont get better i am sending him back home. I DO need him but it hurts so much and i hate seeing him drugged up and

Last night he passed out at 8, i tried to wake him up multiple times. started crying because i was sick of being lonely. I had no where t go since i was too late to drive home, his parents were asleep upstairs. I was in NO mood to watch tv or read. I wanted HIM.. AWAKE.. so i kept crying.. went back adn forth from the back porch listening to music and back to him. Wishing that when he woke up he would come find me and feel bad. but i knew that when he woke up he wouldn't come looking for me. He would look around.. see that i was not there.. be like "whatever" and go do it again..
so when i finally woke him up he started getting pissed off "Alyways crying, your always crying. what is it this time." and then he locked himself in the bathroom saying he had to go to o the bathroom. I told him he was a liar and to open the door cuz i KNEW what he was doing in there.
He yelled back that he wasn't a liar, sighed that exasperated sigh that means "Im so sick of this/you" and continued doing what he was doing.
i left to go outside
came back in because i couldn't take the thought of him thinking me to be a bitch
so i said "im sorry. i was just upset that you were asleep when all i wanted to do was to spend time with you'"
"TO dO whaT?? this?" he asked indicating toward the drugs.
"NO!"
"Then what? to fuck?" he asked in such a DISGUSTED manner. (making me feel as though having sex with me was the last thing he wanted to do)
"No!... I dont know.. to talk.. to watch tv.. to be with me..."
"Whatever" and he shit the door and continued what he was doing..

later he went out to get one more cuz apparently i made him so upset with my crying that i made him lose one pill and i offered to buy him another..
he came back with a pill for me.. and other stuff for us to share
that is NOT the kind of pick me up present i wanted.
cotton candy would have been nice.. strawberries.. an apple. even a rock ont he side of the road.. but no.. he brought back tjis other stuff as a way of making me happy.
i was too tired to say or do anything.
so i got it over with and fell asleep.

now what?
He has this elaborate plan of going up to the mountains.. staying with a friend in Spartanburg,,. a friend in Boone.. and then Hendersonville on our way home.. but we apparently cant do it without "supplies"" and I had nothing to do with those "Supplies" getting gone so quickly.

a nd hes done so much he pukes all the time
and then when he does get the sense to eat its fruit cups and italian ice and pickles. i try to get it through his head that there is NO WAY he is going to gain weight if he eats those things. heneeds peanut butter. ice cream... etc.

meanwhile
i eat
and feel like shit
as usual