Ohhh times with Emily
GLORiOUS
we puttered around a bit.. but also painted the entire kitchen cabinets and most of the cabinet doors as well.. (along with everyehere on me-NOT neccesarily on purpose..)
and her boat.. which was soooo sooo slow.. a pontoon boat? I dont remember what they called it.. it was nice to be out on the water.. in the sun.. but the slowness aggravated my ADD
then the friends came over.. and then the goat
and then we made booties for hte goat.. put him on the trampoline :) poor thing
.......
more polaris.. more wine.. tons of fun.. but i felt something in the back of my mind.. or down in my heart.. i dont know.. a creeping sadness.. wishing JP were here..
but the people i was with..
wow
they feed me super naturally delicious honey.. Chia seeds.. tons of all this organic herbal stuff.. cuz one of the guys is a herbalist..
and then after our LAST and final ride
Baked Butternut squash that was soaking in butter, honey and cinnamon..
they were trying to get me fat again
the polaris though.. WOW.. rockin rollin.. i am glad i was between the 2 guys because i nearly few off many times but instead flew into them..


but then
today i woke up with a deep sadness
felt like crying all morning.. and after emily left for work i burst into tears... cried JP who was too sleepy from just waking up and who knows what else so he was not very conversational.. i said goodbye, hung up and cried more.. then called my dad to make sure the car was going to be fixed by tomorrow so i could drive MY car to JP thursday.. and he said he doubted it.. i hung up and cried more.. then finished painting the cabinets.. settled down on the couch..
and its all snowballing
and i need to remember the things i read to be happy
gratitude.. even though my hair looks like shit from the incompetent woman who cut my hair the other day.. atleast i dyed it yesterday and it looks semi-ok
iving in the moment.. i love this music... my time with JP will come-even if it wont be til Friday.. its only the "Monday" of this week-OF COURSE people wouldnt have responded to my emails/resumes i sent out on Friday...

then again
some of this music isnt helping
bringing me back to when i heard it.. with JP.. or as a kid.. or in Tuscaloosa..
but then again i DO tend to only remember the GOOD.. and my memories disregard the BAD and SAD..
and the stupid food issues.. body issues.. are not being helped by this haircut.. or that day i got off the treadmill only to find my mom watching the "Top 25 sexiest bodies" or something and immediately all positive body image i had was popped.

Atleast i know now that while riding on the polaris, apparently i make QUITE the interesting sound effect.... which entertained hte boys.. I CANT HELP THAT I SQUEAL and Scream from excitement.. i like things fast and intesnse..